DO YOU CONVERSE OR DO YOU COMMUNICATE?

Far too many people believe having the ability to CONVERSE is the same as being able to COMMUNICATE.  They believe that if one can talk effectively they will be able to influence the behavior of others.  They are firm believers in the principle that “he/she who speaks last is right” so will talk an issue to death rather than allowing someone else to have the “final say.”  Rather than recognizing that individuals have two ears and one mouth (which should be an indicator of importance – redundancy is necessary for critical components) they think since the SIZE of a mouth is larger than the size of two ear canals it MUST add more value to exercise the vocal cords than the ear drums.

EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION is a sum of several important parts – not simply words spoken or sounds heard.  When we communicate is should be “for a purpose.”  What are we trying to say or accomplish?  Why should someone invest valuable time to read an article or join into a conversation?  What do you wish another to TAKE AWAY from an article, discussion or directive after they have read, heard or seen it?  In order to communicate effectively we must:

• Listen actively
• Speak thoughtfully
• Establish and assign ownership of a shared vision or idea while transferring accountability with responsibility
• Intentionally follow-through to make sure expectations are met and objectives are accomplished
• Allow mistakes to become learning experiences rather than death sentences
• Praise openly and honestly – criticize privately and quietly
• Provide a return for the investment that another makes in reading your article, listening to your conversation or taking your advice

To communicate well we must identify what we wish to accomplish – figure out what we want our

communication to change, alter or enhance – before we begin to talk, write or “tweet.”  Politicians often seem to say whatever they think you want to hear – in a manner convincing enough to make us forget what they may have said yesterday or what they will be saying tomorrow. They are typically highly effective communicators but may be lacking as conversationalists (where listening and speaking must closely align).  Politicians (and other effective public speakers) identify what they want their audience to “take away” from a speech – often abandoning their principles or core values in order to appease the masses.  A good conversationalist enters a debate with his or her ears (and mind) wide open so that their discussions can be focused and targeted to the listener AND actionable when the conversation is done.  Ineffective communication is often “telling.”  Effective communication often becomes overt “selling” resulting covertly in "telling."

One of the more critical aspects of communication is silence – that space where listening becomes active and saying nothing helps to formulate direction.  When one is speaking, he or she is not actively listening.  When planting your thoughts and concepts it is hard to harvest the bounty another might offer.  When we try to be heard above the noise around us, we often lose sight of the fact that a whisper can be much more effective in a quiet, listening room than can be a shout in a crowded building.  Silence often creates discomfort – but it is not YOUR responsibility to fill every void with the sound of your own voice.  Allow silence to be deafening at times – echoing within the space left vacant of conversation as if it were an angry sea pounding upon the
shore of an exposed shore.  Allow your thoughts and ideas to permeate the moments of silence that listening (rather than talking) might create – then EXPRESS the thoughts into encouraging words in order to motivate

change.

Effective Communication is more than talking – it is artfully transforming words into actions through carefully directed compromise that produces “win-win” situations rather than creating and fostering a “win-lose” mentality.  When you wish to share experiences, thoughts, feelings or dreams – converse.  When something absolutely, positively needs to be accomplished (on time) – when an action must result in an equal and opposite reaction that changes a condition or behavior – communicate.

YOU ARE DEFINED BY WHAT YOU DO - NOT WHAT YOU SAY

Perhaps it is just human nature that when the “going gets tough” most of us start blaming someone else.  It is rare that, during the heat of an argument, someone will stop the conversation to take responsibility for the misunderstanding by saying, “Don’t worry about it – it was not your fault.  I totally messed up and take the blame for the problems we’re having.”  More often than not an argument is peppered with “It is your fault!” or “We never would have been in this position had it not been for you!”

Imagine living in a glass house – where everything we say or do is open for critique and criticism.  Nothing is “secret” or “private” when it comes to the choices we make or the actions we take.  Such is the reality of leadership – and the tremendous weight of responsibility placed upon a leader’s shoulders by those looking up to him or her.  Extending this “glass house” concept fully to management (whether it be managing a company, a department or providing leadership to a family), it is hard to convince others to NOT do something when they see you do similar things yourself.  How can you expect your employees to adhere to an “eight to five” schedule if your own day frequently begins at eight fifteen or ends at four thirty?  (Forget about the fact that you might have been doing company business the previous night, or that lunch was more of a thought than a action, or that breaks are not part of the daily routine…people SEE you coming in late, or leaving early, and expect that to apply to them, too.)  Parents tell their children to obey the rules (as they break the speed limit driving them somewhere), to listen to their teachers (as they complain about the “boss that does not know anything”), and to take time to enjoy life (when they are “too busy doing their own thing” to play catch in the yard). Far too many manage by edict rather than by example – a technique that might produce temporary results but cannot possibly create loyalty, respect or independent decision-making skills. We cannot be perfect, but some rules I would suggest for managing life (by living in a glass house) would include:

• Recognize that your actions speak far more loudly than do your words.  Some may hear what we say but EVERYONE sees what we do.  As a child I was taught, “seeing is believing.”  Never was I told that “hearing makes things right.”  Whether you deal with people as a manager, a peer, a friend, or as part of a family, those around you establish their perception of you by what you do…by how you act…not by the things you say about yourself.  To be viewed as credible you must ACT credibly.
• Look for the good in others, loudly praising their positive actions and interactions while quietly addressing their shortcomings.  People usually see what others do wrong…rarely recognizing or acknowledging what they do right.  As I go through the store I rarely hear a parent saying, “You are really being a good shopper today!” to their child.  Rather it’s “don’t touch,” “wait until we get home,” and “I am never going to bring you shopping again!”  Recently a generation of “if you be good I will give you something” has surfaced – again the focus being on the prevention of negative behavior rather than the encouragement of good action.  Though we need to address negative behavior to correct it, we should also make an effort to acknowledge and verbalize appreciation for things done well.  The next time you are involved in a heated debate with someone you care about, rather than saying “This is all your fault!” try to assume some of the responsibility yourself.  People tend to react better when they know not only what they should not do (or have done) but also what they did (or are about to do) well!
  
• Never throw bricks when you live in a glass house.  Though you may open the window before tossing your criticism out at a friend or co-worker, they rarely take the time to open the door before returning fire.  I have often heard people defend their inappropriate actions by shifting focus and blame…by saying “…but you did such and such so do not get on me!”  When we view life as if we were living in a glass house – fully exposed to those around us with no place to hide our own errors and secrets – we find ourselves more understanding not only of what others do but also of the REASONS they do things.  We are less apt to see fault in them when we first examine ourselves to make sure that we are without fault – especially if we recognize that they are looking at us through clear glass!
• Judge yourself using the same standards you apply to others.  The greatest leaders of our times would never ask others to do what they would not do themselves.  Truly great generals led their troops into battle rather than following them from behind.  Parents must “walk the talk” if they want their children to learn.  Managers cannot expect loyalty, efficiency and a good utilization of time from their employees without demonstrating it themselves.

When we live as though we are in a glass house – without shades or coverings to hide what we are – we begin to concentrate on what we should be doing rather than focusing on what others should not be doing.  When our actions speak louder than our words – when they begin to reinforce the things we intentionally set out to do – others will follow our example rather than our edict.  They will seek our approval rather than seeking to escape our criticism.  They will absorb our praise and grow towards the light rather than being sheltered from reality out of fear of failure.

We all live in a glass house of some kind – our thoughts, actions and attitudes on public display for the world to see.  Perhaps we should take the time to wash the windows in our glass homes – it might help as much light shine in as we wish to shed on those around us!

SELF-EVIDENT TRUTHS

A fellow Board Member on a local non-profit organization recently sent me a list of axioms he uses to help guide his life. The dictionary tells us that an axiom is “A self-evident or universally recognized truth; an established rule, principle, or law; a self-evident principle or one that is accepted as true without proof as the basis for argument.” While Don provided me with nearly 100 bits of truth, several caught my attention:

“INDIVIDUALS UNABLE TO SPEAK POSITIVELY ABOUT WHAT THEY DO ALWAYS RESORT TO SPEAKING NEGATIVELY ABOUT WHAT ANOTHER DOES.”  Far too many individuals find it easier to bring someone down to their level than to bring themselves to a higher plain. We cast stones without thinking that our own glass house could be easily shattered. We console ourselves by justifying that “everyone else does it” so it should be OK (even when we know what we are considering is wrong). Though elevating yourself is often far more difficult than pulling others down, we gain far more by lifting ourselves up – bringing others with us – than we could ever achieve by immersing ourselves within a pool of mediocrity.

“IF YOU CANNOT BE KIND, AT LEAST HAVE THE DECENCY TO BE VAGUE.”  I think of a saying from the classic Disney tale, Bambi, when I read this one. As Thumper’s father told him, “If you don’t have something nice to say about someone, it is better to say nothing at all.” It seems that our society revels in the “details of the fall.” We do not seek answers to unfortunate situations so that we can avoid them ourselves – rather we seek all the sordid details so that we can validate our own standing as being better than that of those around us. We do not seek details so that we can help – rather we seek them so that we can embellish them as we talk to others. Perhaps we SHOULD try to help more as we hurt less – seek to provide a cushion upon which others might land rather than an open abyss into which they will fall.

“EVERYONE BRINGS JOY TO MY OFFICE, SOME WHEN THEY ENTER, OTHERS WHEN THEY LEAVE.”  OK, so this one is tongue in cheek – but so appropriate! How often has someone interrupted you during the middle of a thought – as you were just about to solidify an epiphany that would surely change the world forever? Sure, we need others to live life to its fullest, but we all have times when it seems that others might “do more good” talking to someone else than they do disrupting our thoughts! Enjoy the variety that people give the world around you – if everyone thought and acted as you do it would be a terribly boring (or an extremely predictable) world!

“HEALTH NUTS ARE GOING TO FEEL STUPID SOMEDAY WHEN THEY LIE AROUND IN HOSPITALS DYING OF NOTHING.”  We all have a time and a season – a beginning and an end. It is good to maintain a healthy lifestyle, a positive attitude, and to avoid many of the known dangers present in life BUT avoiding all risk and minimizing every hazard we face serves only to delay the inevitable. All must live a balanced life to enjoy the gifts we have while securing as healthy a future as is possible BUT sacrificing joy in the present for the possibility of a prolonged future IS NOT a healthy (nor reasonable) solution. Maintaining our sense of reality (and of humor) during these times of Affordable Care and other Healthcare solutions might serve us all well.

Several axioms I have used as guiding principles include these “self-evident truths” penned by Ayn Rand – all mirroring the thoughts sent to me by Don (but from a slightly different perspective):

“A creative man is motivated by the desire to achieve – not by the desire to beat others.”

“The hardest thing to explain is the glaringly evident that everybody has decided not to see.”

“Achieving life is not the equivalent of avoiding death.”

What about you – do you have any baseline “truths” upon which your lift has been built? Share them as a comment to this BLOG – perhaps a new thread can begin from the “best of the best” axioms gathered here. As a starter, one of my favorites (that I have not yet listed) is one of removing limitations we place in our own path: “The question is not who is going to let me – it is who is going to stop me?” Do not become your own worst enemy by becoming a roadblock – by believing a dream to be impossible, abandoning it before the journey towards its realization can even begin. Remember that all things are possible – some take a little longer to accomplish as they require more creativity, thought or planning – improbable does not equate to impossible!

TRANSFORMATIONAL WISDOM: THE INTENTIONAL APPLICATION OF KNOWLEDGE IN PURSUIT OF TRUTH

Today’s world is afloat with facts, data and information yet it seems that problem-solving skills are slipping through our hands like an ice cube melting within our grasp. We read newspapers (sometimes), watch news (occasionally), page through magazines and check out our electronic resources constantly – knowing what is happening (almost before it happens!) throughout the world. We know if a disaster has occurred, if the price of gas is about to rise, what is happening in Washington (though a “still shot” could probably capture political activity as well as a news clip!) and who just won a ballgame BUT we have difficulty readily applying our wealth of knowledge to un-related circumstances.

Many can memorize facts but far too few can ask the “right questions” that would allow for the formation of a “best” solution when presented with a new challenge. We often seek answers before fully formulating a question. We want answers – NOW – without a moment’s hesitation. We seek stories with tightly wound endings rather than events that have yet to unfold. We find interest in other’s problems – reinforcing the fact that “good news does not sell.” We accept another’s interpretation of the facts as being “gospel truth” rather than digging into a story and coming to our own conclusions. It seems that a “good newscaster” must now CREATE a story rather than REPORT on it. We want to be entertained (rather than informed), agreed with (rather than challenged) and provided for (rather than providing for others). It seems that the application of information to create a viable solution – taking the risk required to make a difference by being different – is no longer a desirable characteristic. Impatience and intolerance have become the driving factors in “effective” communication with the analysis of data and deliberate actions due to those findings but afterthoughts in the creation of reality.

There is no such thing as confidentiality anymore. People prefer to “share openly and honestly” everything they know (have heard or have gained knowledge about in private conversation) rather than exhibiting a “discretionary silence” in regards to conversations that could do more harm than good. Discretion was once the rule – it is now an exception to the rule. Integrity was once an integral part of an individual’s make-up – it is now but an insignificant backdrop to life’s everyday drama. Relationships once rooted in honesty and nurtured by unconditional love now seem built upon circumstance and fed by individual desires. In order to regain credibility we must recognize and consistently honor the privacy of others – their values, their likes, their dislikes and their preferences – rather than holding them open in every aspect like a book without a cover.

Our senses seem overly stimulated by details, information and opportunities yet we far too infrequently take the time to identify issues before moving forward with unthinking (and untenable) solutions. We run before we walk – seemingly oblivious to the fact we might fall – our impatience ruling the day. We fly rather than run – oblivious to the fact others have come before us – relegating their experiences (both wins and losses) to a silent history rather than including their insights into our ongoing thought processes. We pursue the impossible (or at least the improbable) rather than finding comfort in the reality of “what is” and extrapolating it into that which has not yet become – far too often leaping ahead without thought or direction rather than moving slowly (and steadily) forward.

It really does not matter which path you take when you are lost – when you do not know where you are going nor from what you are moving – as any progress is better than no movement at all. In order to transform knowledge into wisdom we must take the time to analyze the plethora of information around us – to make decisions count by anticipating a destination before moving from one situation to another and planning where you want to be before leaping from the frying pan into the fire. One will rarely fail if they do not establish goals – yet success hinges upon the creation and attainment of targets and the accomplishment of individual dreams. It is nearly impossible to make a poor choice or move in the “wrong direction” when

one does not care where they are going nor worry about how they will get there, yet little credit can be taken for unanticipated results generated through unplanned actions.

Study, learn and apply before charging headlong into an appointment with disaster. When you analyze the information around you and apply it to your circumstances, you will be able to leverage your knowledge to make wise decisions rather than blindly following the thoughts, suggestions or considerations of others.

Reach up as you reach out – the world is awaiting your curiosity.

Achieving One’s Potential Requires More than Luck

Sometimes, because of a unique thought, appropriate timing, or plain good luck an individual is able to succeed, grow and prosper in spite of (rather than because of) the things he or she does. More often, however, much planning, analyzing, forecasting, modeling, and “sweat equity” go into making a venture successful. A successful individual must selflessly invest his or her time, money and effort to bring a dream to fruition. Before accomplishing anything, however, one must envision the desired future, determine what must be done (and how much one is willing to risk or sacrifice) to reach it, then steadfastly advance towards its realization. Along the way, progress must be monitored to identify obstacles that could hinder the accomplishment of goals AND to justify warranted changes to established plans. An individual will never reach his or her full potential should they focus too intently upon the path rather than the prize at its conclusion.

In order to grow, one must envision the future. What does one WANT to be, WANT to accomplish, can realistically EXPECT to achieve? One must start with a conclusion – a goal or set of expectations – if he or she is going to accomplish exceptional things. Without an end point, one will never know when one chapter

has been concluded so that another can begin. Without “a beginning”, one will never know when progress has been made or change has been initiated. Life without purpose can be eventful but is rarely satisfying. It may be full of new beginnings but is strangely at a loss for “ends.”

Once a goal has been established, one must determine how it can be enacted. What knowledge or ability must be attained to achieve the goal? Who must be brought into the solution and who should be excluded from its execution? Must the power of a team be brought into play or is the goal more individualistic? Too often, training is an afterthought to the accomplishment of a dream. When we start “doing” without thinking we may taste limited success but it will be realized in spite of ourselves rather than because of anything that was intentionally done or could be repeated.

To achieve greatness, people MUST steadfastly advance towards the realization of their dreams (those without dreams rarely achieve greatness). In order to continually move forward, systems must be put in place to identify obstacles that could hinder progress AND to justify warranted changes. An individual will never reach their full potential should he or she focus too intently upon the path rather than moving towards the prize at its conclusion.

Summer is upon us. Take the time to “refresh your batteries”…to chart your path…to set your targets high…so that you can be an integral part of a well planned solution RATHER THAN simply a piece of the puzzle…a part of the problem. Only by choosing to envision the future, to enact a solution and to steadfastly advance towards self-actualization (while keeping your eyes on the goal) will one achieve their true potential.

FINISHING THE RACE

One cannot do only what has been assigned (regardless of how well each individual assignment is performed) if one expects to grow and succeed. Looking back (instead of ahead), remaining content with the present (rather than building upon the present as a springboard to the future), and doing what works (as opposed to seeking what might work better) are all signs of career stagnation. A source of water must be made available if a pond wishes to become a lake. A seed cannot become an oak tree without the proper conditions and nourishment. An individual cannot become “one” with another without caring more for the other than for him or her self. If one wishes to achieve “the possible” rather than being content to accomplish those things that are “probable,” the thoughts, ideas and abilities of others must be leveraged to enhance and transform “what is” into “what could be.” In order to assure life-changing assistance and support is available when needed we should strive to:

1) Clarify the difference between efficiency with effectiveness. An e-mail may be efficient, but a conversation could more effectively resolve an issue without extended “replies and clarifications.” Effective individuals make sure that every investment of time and/or energy has a direct and measurable impact. They rarely waste time or energy doing unnecessary things that “could be done – might be nice” but are not related to the accomplishment of their objectives. Effective individuals accomplish things that need doing in order to move forward – and do them well. Efficient individuals accomplish all things well whether or not they serve to advance their cause or move them towards a defined objective. An immediate e-mail communication may efficiently promote conversation but might not effectively resolve an issue.  When we strive to be EFFECTIVE in all that we say and do, EFFICIENCY will necessarily follow.  While being efficient is an admirable trait, it should be a means to an end rather than an end in and of itself.

2) Avoid the misguided concept of being irreplaceable. If an individual feels that nobody could EVER do what he or she does, that person has probably limited what he or she can accomplish. When we feel nobody could ever do the things we do as well as we do them ourselves – and accept that as an unwavering paradigm – we become so enamored with our abilities that we fail to identify our possibilities. If nobody else can do (or even wishes to try) your job, then you will never advance beyond the rung of the ladder upon which you have firmly positioned yourself.

3) Quit believing that know all the answers. People who know to ask the right questions are much more valuable than those who can give all the right answers. One must always be open to new ideas, techniques, and ways of doing things. We can truly contribute to our organization’s success and profitability – or experience all that life could offer – ONLY after identifying the limitations of current systems, policies, practices or procedures by asking questions as to how they might be improved. Nothing will change, however, until we decide to act – to move forward by implementing the answers received of the questions we asked (rather than doing things as we have always done them because we think we know all the answers ourselves).

4) ALWAYS give credit to others. People recognizing and acknowledging the ideas and actions of others tend to share a never-ending ride to the top – enjoying a seemingly unlimited potential “upside” while tempering their individual risk. Those that take credit for another’s ideas had better like themselves a lot because they may not have supportive friends to prop them up in the future.

5) Add to existing abilities and upgrade outdated skills, refusing to accept “what is” as “what will always be.” What was once necessary to maintain a life-long job or to enjoy a long-lasting relationship is no longer sufficient in today’s ever-changing world. Employees who “fail to know” typically fail to grow – those who refuse to retrain typically will not remain. Unless an individual brings more into a relationship than he or she could ever expect it to return – is willing to give to another more than is taken (unconditionally and without expectations) and seeks to gain more by sharing than by receiving, he or she will never realize the treasures awaiting them just beyond their current reality.

While we may be able to start a race on our own, we need the help, support and efforts of those around us to finish. Life is not a sprint – it is a marathon. To accomplish much, we must give much. To receive support from those around us we must first encourage their individual growth. To rise to the top – to finish the race – we must not only build the foundation upon which we stand (so that we are firmly rooted in our convictions), we must accept the support of those around us as we grow – support possible ONLY because we cared enough to share with those around us.

The Keeper and His Sea…

The Beach is quiet now…
Her sun-worshippers long gone, abandoning Her as the warmth of summer left making the days cold and desolate...
Builders, having constructed their dreams within Her shifting sands…
now returned to their classrooms…
Lovers, having gone their separate ways after making promises to meet again when summer returned…
The gulls, so active during the short season…
now gone in search of a more bountiful harvest.
Leaving only the Keeper of the Harbor - the Guardian of the Shore...
to look after the Sea…

He stands…cold and alone…seeing Her in a different light than those who see only Her summer-time joy as
they seem to pass over Her beauty…
Differently than those who feel but the warmth of Her surface, while passing over the depths of Her soul…
He stands facing the tempest of an autumn storm…
Feeling the biting cold of Her loneliness as She lashes out at the confines of Her reality…as She struggles to

find Herself within the cold, gray dawn…within the expanse of Her emptiness…
He sees Her troubled, turbulent waters as She wakes from the comforting calm provided by night’s shroud of darkness…
Only to face but another day of restless searching...
for a Keeper to understand Her soul...

He treads gently upon Her shores, as though in a sacred temple, feeling Her strength as he walks, sensing Her cries for one who understands Her…soothing her suffering with his presence...
He falls to his knees…absorbs her pain...shares Her suffering…immerses himself within Her sorrow…
then joins in Her confusion as they both seek the same silent peace…
Quietly...solemnly...in an eerie, compassionate moment, they celebrate their freedom…
Before She returns to her solitary essence…
He rising with Her upon the strength of Her tide - immersed within Her reality - becoming one with the power of the Sea.

He pours himself upon Her surface…casts himself into Her depths…walks blindly towards Her
outstretched welcoming arms…

He buries himself within the deep, dark, comforting confines of her waters…

Where the Two become one, beneath Her surface…within Her soul…united together…

Forever…within the comfort of Her depths…finding peace within Her turmoil…enclosed within the safety of Her endless soul…

No longer tortured by the desperate taunting of the consuming storm…

Never again distracted by the seasonal squatters who occupy Her shores…

Forever at rest…the Keeper and his Sea...