A GOOD EXAMPLE IS FAR MORE POWERFUL THAN ANY GREAT DIRECTIVE

Why does it seem lately that when the “going gets tough…” many people start blaming rather than showing that “…the tough get going?” It is rare that, during the heat of an argument, someone will stop the conversation to take responsibility for the misunderstanding by saying, “We should really stop arguing – it was not your fault. I totally take the blame for the problems we must address.” More often than not, an argument is peppered with, “It was your fault!” or “We never would have been in this position had listened to me in the first place!” What about the infamous “I am sorry that you misinterpreted what I said…” rather than saying “I was wrong when we were talking the other day.” Most people find it hard to accept responsibility for a mistake (but will easily and quickly claim credit for success (whether or not it was truly warranted). Far too many people live "behind the curtains" like the Wizard of Oz – dictating what others are to do rather than living as if their house were made of glass, having no shades or blinds, where all they said or did would be revealed as an example of how best to act, live and succeed. 

Leading by example – by being what you are and accepting the ramifications of whatever that might cause rather than trying to assume as your own the accolades given to others for what they may have accomplished within your realm of responsibility – goes a long way towards establishing credibility and validating the values you might wish to express. Before taking credit for another’s success, assigning blame for a personal shortcoming, or taking the opportunity to distract from your mistakes by pointing out to others how much THEY could learn from their mistakes, take a moment to reflect upon our natural tendency to avoid ownership by saying “do as I say, not as I do.” Rather than detracting or deflecting, seek ways that your actions (and words) might allow you to lead by example (encouraging others to follow you because they WANT to) rather than by edict (expecting others to follow you because they have been ordered or told to do so) – be it at work or within your personal life and relationships.  

It is hard to convince others NOT to do something when they see you do similar things yourself. How can you expect your employees to adhere to an “eight to five” schedule if your own day frequently begins at eight fifteen and/or ends at four thirty? People living life within their “house of glass” tend to be more aware of their actions (and the ramifications of the things they choose to do OR intentionally refuse to do) than do individuals who are able to lurk within the dark recesses of their minds. People tend to believe what they SEE and HEAR their leaders DOING and SAYING (as it must be acceptable or “the boss,” parent, or partner would not do it). If a leader consistently comes to work late, leaves early, or wastes time during the day, how can his/her employees be expected to think that punctuality and good time management is more important than what has been demonstrated as being acceptable? Parents tell their children to obey the rules (as they break the speed limit or are caught in a multitude of “white lies” not intended to hurt anyone). We expect our partner, our children, and our employees to listen to us unequivocally – often without giving them a valid or concrete reason to do so. Rather than seeking and earning respect, far too many feel that it is their “birthright” to claim such a prize – declaring themselves “legitimate” without having been tested or proving themselves qualified. While none of us is perfect, thoughts that might help us to better lead by example would include: 

1)        Recognize that words are but whispers compared to the shouts of our actions. Those close to us may be able to hear what we say (if they are inclined to listen and motivated to act) but anyone having an unobstructed view of what we do will be influenced (positively or negatively) by what they see. Children are taught that “seeing is believing,” not that “doing as you are told – without thought or hesitation – makes things right.” Whether you interact with people as a manager, a peer, a friend, or as part of a family, what you do and how you act – NOT the things you say about yourself or TELL others to do – are the characteristics that help to identify your strengths and morale character. 

2)        Look for the good in others – loudly praising their positive actions, interactions and results while quietly addressing their shortcomings, inadequacies, or opportunities to learn. People usually see what others do wrong but rarely recognize or acknowledge what they have done right. Children are “expected” to be well behaved in public, so it is rare that we hear a parent say to their child, “You are really being a good shopper today – I am so proud of you!”.  Rather it is “do not touch…” “wait until we get home…” or “You are never going shopping with me again!” Though we need to identify negative behavior and act to minimize unwanted consequences, we should also try to acknowledge and verbalize appreciation for things done well. The next time you are involved in a heated debate with someone you care about rather than saying “This is all your fault!” try to assume some of the responsibility yourself. People tend to react better when they know not only how they failed BUT ALSO what they may have done well…not only WHAT may have been done or discussed wrong BUT ALSO what might produce a better outcome next time.

 3)         Never cast the first stone in anger or frustration when judging others or dealing out discipline. Even if you take the time to open a window within your glass house before tossing your criticism out upon a friend or co-worker (intentionally saying EXACTLY what you wanted to say and do – even in a private setting), an individual scorned (or addressed) rarely takes time consider any collateral damage before returning fire (choosing to simply cast the rocks and stones of resentment back towards where they came from as a means of self-preservation and defense). 

 4)       People often defend their inappropriate actions by shifting focus and blame by saying “…but you did such and such so do NOT blame me if our outcomes were different than they should have been!”  When we expose our thoughts and actions fully to those around us, we have no place to hide our own errors and secrets and find ourselves more understanding not only of WHAT others do but also WHY they do things. We are less apt to see fault in the actions of other’s when we first examine ourselves to make sure that we are without blame (which, if we are honest with ourselves, is rarely the case). 

5)       Judge yourself using the same standards you apply to others. The greatest leaders of our times would never ask others to do what they would not do themselves. Truly great generals lead their troops into battle rather than following them from behind. Parents must “walk the talk” if they want their children to learn. Managers cannot expect loyalty, efficiency, and a good utilization of time from their employees without demonstrating it themselves. Those within a relationship cannot expect their partner to do or be anything that they are not willing to do or be themselves.  

We all live in a “glass house” of some kind. Regardless of how much we may wish to hide our thoughts, actions and attitudes from the world while expressing our wishes, desires, and directives, what others believe us to be is shaped by what they see when we think we are alone...what they hear when we do not believe they are listening. When we view our lives as being acted out within a glass house – one without shades to hide what we do or say – we begin to concentrate on what we should be doing rather than focusing on what others should not be doing. When our actions speak louder than our words – reinforcing the things we intentionally set out to do rather than expecting others to accomplish what we would not attempt ourselves – what we say becomes a clarification of what we expect rather than an initiator of action. Much can be accomplished when others act by following a positive example rather than responding to fulfill self-serving declarations. Far more can be accomplished when those around us seek validation from a respected individual and thrive upon the approval their actions receive rather than desperately trying to escape or avoid our criticism. It has been said that more can be realized through the appropriate application of honey than through the overbearing delivery of a one-sided altercation having no identifiable beginning or eagerly anticipated end.