A GOOD EXAMPLE IS FAR MORE POWERFUL THAN A GREAT DIRECTIVE

Why does it seem lately that when the “going gets tough…” many people start blaming rather than fulfilling the phrase (“…the tough get going”)?  It is rare that, during the heat of an argument, someone will stop the conversation to take responsibility for the misunderstanding by saying, “Stop worrying about it – it was not your fault.  I totally take the blame for the problems we must not address.”  More often than not an argument is peppered with “It is your fault!” or “We never would have been in this position had it not been for what you did!”  Many find it hard to accept responsibility for a mistake (but will easily and quickly claim credit and seek recognition for success (whether or not it is truly warranted).  Far too many people live their lives "behind the curtains" as did the Wizard of Oz - dictating what others are to do – rather than as if they lived in a glass house where all they did and said would be revealed – “showing them the way" to act, live and succeed. 

Leading by example – by being what you are and accepting both the credit and the blame for what that might cause rather than trying to absorb as your own the accolades given to others within your realm of responsibility for what they may have accomplished – goes a long way to establishing credibility, respect and validating the values you wish to express.  Before taking credit (or assigning blame) for a success or an opportunity to learn from your mistakes, take a moment to reflect upon our natural tendency to proclaim “do as I say, not as I do.” Seek ways that your actions (and words) might allow you to lead by example (encouraging others to follow you because they WANT to) rather than by edict (expecting others to follow you because they have been ordered or told to do so) whether it be at work or within your personal life and relationships. 

It is hard to convince others to NOT do something when they see you do similar things yourself.  How can you expect your employees to adhere to an “eight to five” schedule if your own day frequently begins at eight fifteen or ends at four thirty?  People choosing the transparency of living life as if they were within a glass house without shades or blinds tend to be more aware of their actions (and the ramifications of the things they choose to do OR intentionally refuse to do).  People tend to believe what they SEE in their leaders, DOING what they observe (as it must be acceptable or “the boss” would not do it), rather than blindly acting as they are told.  If a leader consistently comes to work late, leaves early or wastes time during the day, how can his/her employees be expected to think that punctuality and good time management is more important than what has been demonstrated as being acceptable?  Parents tell their children to obey the rules (as they break the speed limit or are caught in a multitude of “white lies” not intended to hurt anyone).  We expect our kids (and employees) to listen to their teachers (or their “boss”) – often without giving them a valid or concrete reason to do so.  Rather than seeking and earning respect, far too many feel that it is their “birthright” to claim such a prize – declaring themselves “legitimate” without having been tested or proving themselves qualified.  While none of us are perfect, some rules that might help us to successfully lead by example would include:

1)        Recognize that words are but whispers when compared to the shouts of our actions.  Those close to us may be able to hear what we say (if they are inclined to listen and motivated to act) but anyone having an unobstructed view of what we do will be influenced (positively or negatively) by what they see.  Children are taught that “seeing is believing,” not that “doing as you are told – without thought or hesitation – makes things right.”  Whether you interact with people as a manager, a peer, a friend, or as part of a family, what you do and how you act are the characteristics that help to identify your strengths and morale character – NOT the things you say about yourself or TELL others to do.

2)         Look for the good in others – loudly praising their positive actions, interactions and results while quietly addressing their shortcomings, inadequacies or opportunities to learn.  People usually see what others do wrong but rarely recognize or acknowledge what they have done right.  Children are “expected” to be well behaved in public so we rarely hear a parent say, “You are really being a good shopper today – I am so proud of you!” to their child.  Rather it is “do not touch,” “wait until we get home,” and “I am never going to bring you shopping again!”  Though we need to identify negative behavior and act to minimize unwanted consequences, we should also make an effort to acknowledge and verbalize appreciation for things done well.  The next time you are involved in a heated debate with someone you care about rather than saying “This is all your fault!” try to assume some of the responsibility yourself.  People tend to react better when they know not only what they should not have done but also what they could have done or talking about what might produce a better outcome next time.

3)         Never cast the first stone – especially if you “live within a glass house.”  Even if you take the time to open a window before tossing your criticism out towards a friend or co-worker (intentionally saying EXACTLY what you wanted to say and do in a private setting), an individual scorned (or addressed) rarely takes the time to open doors before returning fire (choosing to simply cast the rocks back towards where they came from as a means of self-preservation and defense.)  People often defend their inappropriate actions by shifting focus and blame by saying “…but you did such and such so do NOT blame me if our outcomes were different than they should have been!”  When expose our thoughts and actions fully to those around us we have no place to hide our own errors and secrets and we find ourselves more understanding not only of what others do but also of the REASONS they do things.  We are less apt to see fault in other’s actions when we first examine ourselves to make sure that we are without blame (which, if we are honest with ourselves is rarely the case).

4)         Judge yourself using the same standards you apply to others.  The greatest leaders of our times would never ask others to do what they would not do themselves.  Truly great generals lead their troops into battle rather than following them from behind.  Parents must “walk the talk” if they want their children to learn.  Managers cannot expect loyalty, efficiency and a good utilization of time from their employees without demonstrating it themselves.  Those within a relationship cannot expect their partner to do or be anything that they are not willing to do or be themselves. 

We all live in a “glass house” of some kind.  Regardless of how much we may wish to hide our thoughts, actions and attitudes from the world while expressing our wishes, desires and directives, what others believe us to be is shaped by what they see when we think we are alone...what they hear when we do not believe they are listening.  When we view our lives as being acted out within a glass house – one without shades or coverings to hide what we do or say – we begin to concentrate on what we should be doing rather than focusing on what others should not be doing.  When our actions speak louder than our words – reinforcing the things we intentionally set out to do rather than expecting others to accomplish what we would not attempt ourselves – what we say becomes a clarification of what we expect rather than an initiator of action.  Much can be accomplished when others act by following a positive example rather than responding to fulfill unclear declarations.  Far more can be accomplished when those around us seek validation from a respected individual and thrive upon the approval their actions receive rather than desperately try to escape or avoid our criticism.