BUILD RELATIONSHIPS UPON A FOUNDATION OF TRUST

Every relationship has its own unique and individual characteristics that makes it work well.  When a person becomes involved within any relationship – be it a working or a personal commitment – he or she begins to look for the underlying culture of trust and respect that has been established (or can be developed) as both a confirmation of their decision to participate or an indicator of their choice to leave.  The actions and behaviors of those in leadership create a corporate culture (the efforts and beliefs of employees working within the organization help it grow to maturity) much like each participant within a relationship offers input when choosing which road should be taken (the final selection being influenced by the degree of trust that has been established within the relationship).

High Trust organizations (and relationships) share characteristics that lend themselves to a higher level of productivity, efficiency, personal investment and effectiveness because they believe that trusting others to do the work with little or no oversight does not “negatively impact” the achievement of established goals. 

High Trust Relationships are:

·       More productive and efficient because they need less layers of management or redundancy. Projects, assignments or the resolution of situations can be given freely to others because a high level of trust has been established that provides confidence the work will be done (correctly).

·       Cost effective because fewer follow-up meetings and discussions are required so individuals can “actively supervise” less while expecting (and receiving) independently generated results.

·       Dependent upon open and honest communication allowing for two-way suggestions, clarifications, input and advise.  If one party within the relationship begins to feel “left behind” by the conversation or ignored when choosing the resolution of a problem, he or she will begin to “do what they are told.”  Rather than becoming a vital part of the solution they begin to be an extension of the problem.

·       Celebratory to the work (and accomplishments) of others.  They look for and find the “positive” accomplishments of others and build upon what is being done well rather than focusing on the “negative” of what went wrong or was not done correctly.

·       Accepting of others.  They let go of the need to control with the understanding that mistakes happen and learning occurs.  The DO NOT allow others to continue to make the same error continuously without modifying the behavior that caused the problem.  Trust must not be confused with poor judgement.  High Trust Relationships provide for “walking beside” others rather than always clearing the way of obstacles so that detours or obstructions are never encountered.

·       Always seeking ways to improve outcomes by encouraging participation, engaging individual passions, leveraging abilities and rewarding positive contributions.  They solicit input from “the team” as a critical part of any effective solution – knowing that a good solution the team supports often produces better results than the best solution imposed by others.

High Trust relationships are value centered and rely on others to be open and honest about the status of their work and ideas.  They teach the importance of letting everyone own the results of expended effort (sharing in the rewards).  Most formally (or informally) assign a “leader” to monitor progress and help clear the way for effective decisions to be made but do not give that person the authority to impose his or her will in an unimpeded manner.  It is hard to convince a team that “we trust you have the best interest of the organization in mind” if we never allow its individual members to make decisions (or learn from failure).  

High Trust relationships clearly communicate that all individuals involved are responsible for the work that needs to be done, expected to speak up if barriers to getting results are encountered and accountable for the results achieved (accepting both the rewards of success and the need to respond and react to failure).  Trust cannot be established within any relationship until we are able to demonstrate (not just say) that we let go of the control most seek, give responsibility AND accountability to others (genuinely seeking the thoughts, ideas and opinions of others before moving in a new direction or changing a well-accepted process.  Unless (and until) we are able to trust others we cannot expect to be fully and unconditionally trusted by others.

Trust is difficult to attain (but easy to lose and sometimes almost impossible to recover).  Trust cannot be claimed – it must be earned.  Trust is not a “nice-ity” within a relationship – it is a necessity.  It is not an objective or a destination but rather a path and a process.  In order to effectively move towards a high trust relationship we must increase communications (both verbally in our “saying” and passively in our “active listening”), discuss openly the things we often consider privately when making significant decisions that impact others and clarify our expectations (someone CANNOT be trusted to do something if they do not know what needs to be done).  In order to establish trust we must create more open doors (rather than closing ourselves within an impenetrable fortress) and open more windows (so that questions can be asked AND heard) while providing (and accepting) any support that might be required to bring a concept to fruition.  Until we open ourselves to experience all that is around us as it contributes to the realization of our world, we will but view our surroundings rather than immersing ourselves in the dream of accomplishing all things possible. 

WHAT’S MOST IMPORTANT COMES AFTER THE “BUT…”

Have you ever thought about how much is said AFTER you agree, compliment or encourage a person when you clarify the comment by saying “but…,” “have you considered…” or some other extension?  When an employee comes to you with a suggestion or solution to an issue, do you stop yourself at, “Great work…let me know how it works!” or do you clarify by saying, “Great idea…what about…?”  Far too often we assume an idea is implemented once it is stated and gravitate to the “what’s next” phase rather than providing praise and validation for the idea or concept that was developed.  We move to the “next steps” without considering that the person initiating the solution has not yet put it into practice so our “it was stated so it must already be done” thinking may be a discouragement to them.  What we meant as encouraging is often heard as being condescending – minimizing the value of their solution by building a tower upon their foundation without acknowledging the work and effort that went into the initial phases of construction.  Recognizing the reality of this flaw does not eliminate it from happening.  I often find myself acknowledging that what was suggested is a great start BUT that I assume it is well on the way to implementation SO where can “we” go from there?

Relationships can also suffer unless we be careful about what is said after the “but.”  “That dress looks great on you BUT you should try something in blue.”  What do you think is focused upon – that the dress looks good or that the color is wrong?  “The lawn looks nice BUT what can we do about the weeds?”  Was your work appreciated or did you NOT do something that was more critical than what you DID?  Other examples might include:

·         “Thanks for helping out with the cleaning BUT you missed a spot.”

·         “I’m sorry BUT you started it.”

·         “It’s been a great vacation BUT I can’t wait to get back to work.”

Think about what comes AFTER the BUT in these statements.  THAT is what people around you hear.  Would you like to build a relationship with someone that focuses on what you did NOT do rather than what you DID?  With someone who deflected responsibility by sharing blame?  With someone that liked to be with you UNLESS given an alternative?  What is said after a clarifying extension can be disruptive in a work relationship BUT it can destroy to a personal one.

How many times have you complimented an employee, a friend or a family member only to be disappointed they did not respond to your praise as validating or uplifting?  Might you have minimized your compliment with an ill-placed “but?”  Have you been guilty of telling a child, “I’m happy you got an 89% on that test BUT I know you could have done much better?  You are smarter than that!”  What do you think they heard – that you are happy for what they did OR disappointed that they could not have done better?  Talking to an employee, if you say “Great work today – tomorrow we will be able to do even more!”  What do they REALLY hear – that you thought they did well OR that they should have done better? 

Acknowledging our tendencies to minimize the efforts of others is a great first step – accepting them as potentially destructive and committing to do something about them is more important.  As you communicate with others, think about what HAS happened rather than focusing so much on what COULD have happened (or on what has yet to be accomplished).  Give credit and praise rather than extending your comments or compliments with “BUT…,” “WHAT IF…,” or “HAVE YOU CONSIDERED?”  If extensions are needed, address them within a separate conversation RATHER THAN putting them behind a “but…”  Make sure that what is important is heard rather than being lost as insignificant noise – whether at work or in your personal life – as you focus on what really matters to others as well as yourself.

EFFECTIVELY COMMUNICATING AT WORK AND AT HOME

Communications must be transparent, credible, and honest if anyone is expected to trust the message and believe the messenger.  When entering a situation where good employees are working hard to do what they feel best – but losing effectiveness because of misdirected activities and inefficient processes – employers must continually ask questions such as, “Why are you doing this?” “How could this be done differently?” “What can I do to make your job more efficient?”  When observing a situation in your personal life where someone is “doing all the right things” for “all the wrong reasons” – failing to find satisfaction in whatever results might be achieved – we should gently and gracefully point out not only what is being done wrong BUT ALSO what should be done differently.  In order to create change the individual (or group) responsible for performing an activity must have the authority to make change happen. 

Communicating effectively with employees is a process.  If viewed as an event, change will not be lasting.  Employees must become involved in transition, their ideas encouraged and fostered, with credit for positive change being given to them while “blame” for failure is (mostly) assumed by management.  Failure is a necessity for change – but learning from failure should be a positive one-time experience rather than something repeated without consequence.  When employees are involved, engaged and provided with transparent communications BEFORE change happens, they tend to pull together for the good of the organization rather than for their own personal gain.

As employees become invested in the organization, management often is seen as the galvanizing communicator of change rather than the initiator of hysteria.  Decisions regarding process change and workforce adjustments are easier to implement when employees feel involved in the business’ direction.  Knowledgeable employees having the ability to speak up (being heard rather than ignored) usually understand the need for change, often anticipating it long before Management is willing to act (or often before “the top” even recognized the need for change).  Effective communication happens ONLY when two (or more) people talk, listen and discuss prior to acting in a manner that is in the best interest of all parties involved. 

 

In regards to individual relationships and communications, people must recognize not only what another is thinking but WHY they have established that thought pattern as their “norm.”  We must hold our comments back long enough observe not only what they are doing but WHY they might be choosing that path, what will be the “logical conclusion” to their course of action and whether or not the decision might be “fatal” or simply inconvenient.  Allowing another to make a mistake, and to learn how to overcome the consequences of their decision, often strengthens their ability to thrive in the world rather than simply acting out the suggestions or preferences of someone else.  If someone is always allowed to “take the easy way out” by avoiding the tough decisions, he or she will be unable to contribute to a relationship as an equal.  A low tide allows the flock to feed but does not provide sustainable nourishment.  Similarly, an individual taking “the low road” to avoid conflict or confrontation learns to “keep his or her head down” but will rarely lead (as they are too content following).

Whether large or small – manufacturing or service – privately or publicly owned – businesses must exhibit a “selfless, thankless perseverance” if employees are to become key initiators of change.  Praise loudly (while correcting softly) must be the mantra of leadership-driven change.  Credibility is the cornerstone of employee involvement (which, if tarnished, must be painfully rebuilt over a long period of time).  Providing feedback on the accomplishment of key outcomes is necessary to measure the effectiveness of change.  Involving employees (whenever possible) in the decision-making process helps both good and bad news be more readily accepted.  The same thought processes can be applied to ANY relationship into which we enter – personal or work-related.  Praise, recognition, credibility and trust become the driving forces that make our communications effective AS LONG AS WE RECOGNIZE that effective communications should be viewed as a journey rather than a destination.  Our journey should begin with but a first step – proceeding one step at a time – allowing us to move forward with caution as we keep our eye on the goal ahead rather than finding comfort where we began.  We must not become so obsessed with our goal, however, that it cannot be refined, improved and modified by the input we receive and/or experiences we gain along the way.

PRACTICAL LEADERSHIP

True leaders emerge during times of trouble, turmoil and strife – riding the strength of their convictions to success – then thrive as conditions improve.  While there should be very little difference in your leadership style when facing unexpected hurdles (whether at work or at home), far too many “competent” individuals excuse their actions (or inactivity) by blaming them on or deferring them to others.  They bend to fit into their surroundings rather than standing firmly against life’s storms.  Seeking short term-gain (popularity, acceptance, being “liked”) often damages long-term credibility (predictability, consistency, being “fair.”).  Some examples of BOTH an appropriate action AND a “fall back” reaction would include the following:

A company is experiencing tough economic times and has asked Management to trim expenses.  Two approaches to this situation might be:

• Inform employees that cutbacks and layoffs might be necessary due to reduced sales and increased inventory.  Task departments with the responsibility to find ways expenses might be cut with a minimal impact on staff by identifying productive work that could be done so that all staff can continue working while contributing to the bottom line. 
• Tell staff to “look busy” because “top management” is out to cut employees and you do not want any of “your people” to be impacted.  In showing compassion to employees by “building a bridge with staff based on a mutual fear of top management,” this type of manager may avoid the “blame bullet” but will never earn recognition as a leader.  Deferring responsibility to someone else moves an individual from being an integral part of the solution to being an expendable part of the problem.

A Leader takes ownership of his or her actions.  By taking ownership of a situation rather than blaming another for an unfortunate circumstance, a good manager accepts and faces reality.   He or she affirms that things are tough (most employees probably already known this and are waiting for affirmation).  After stating facts, employees are asked to be involved in the development of a solution (getting “buy-in” will make even a mediocre idea achievable).  Painting a realistic picture of what could happen establishes ownership of the situation and adds urgency to resolving the problem.  Blaming someone else in order to remain friends or be popular is not a long-term solution.  A Leader, by the very nature of his or her work, leads (if not, he or she should either follow or get out of the way!).  Though accepting responsibility for decisions (even when they negatively affect the lives of others) is not always the easiest thing to do, it is always more acceptable than deferring the decision to another (“management says I have…”).  Your employees may not see you as their “friend” when you personalize your supervisory responsibilities but you will earn their respect when you are fair, consistent and predictable.
 

An individual has made a “bad decision” that could seriously hurt another’s feelings and tarnish his/her reputation.  No lasting damage was done nor was any long-term relationship destroyed but issues of trust and credibility may be involved.  There are always more than one way to address and resolve our personal failings but which of these three approaches might most match your first response (and is that the same as the “best” alternative)?

• Ignore the situation and hope it goes away.  The individual whom may be harmed has not heard anything of your actions and you do not believe he or she ever will.  Adhering to the tenant “if it is not broke, do not try to fix it,” you walk around the elephant in the room and move on as if nothing ever happened. 
• Come forward and tell part of the tale – enough to scratch the surface so if something “leaks” the person will be prepared and aware even if the full extent of the discretion has not been revealed but not enough to “spill the beans” or establish responsibility.  If additional details come out you can always discount the account or blame someone else for putting you up to it.  It is easier, after all, to ask forgiveness than to seek permission.
• Fall on the sword, so to speak, by telling all and resolving to change.  Do not blame another – accept responsibility for your actions and deal with their repercussions.  Do not needlessly or intentionally hurt another in the recounting of your tale but make sure that you have learned from your mistake so that it does not become a recurring habit.  

Gaining respect and credibility is far better than trying to be a friend to those you manage.  Learning how to ask the right questions when investigating a situation – then listening to hear the truthful answer – will help you see “the forest from the trees.” Fools rush in – leaders learn to step back so they can ask why something was done rather than constantly pushing forward to address only  what happened.  A Leader takes his or her personal obligations more seriously than their work expectations.  Trust cannot be exhibited for a day unless it is consistently demonstrated throughout an individual’s life.  While taking the easy road (ignoring a situation or partially revealing a truth) may be less painful and create fewer short-term disruptions, individuals preferring to dodge responsibility for their choices and actions will never be seen as credible leaders when they are provided the opportunity to lead.  Great leaders thoughtfully and carefully consider all their decisions BEFORE they are made, making sure they are willing and able to accept the results of their actions so they can move forward with confidence to accept the rewards (or deal with the repercussions) of their actions.

We are bound to fall victim to our human vulnerabilities as we strive to become better leaders UNLESS we intentionally take the road less traveled rather than the easy path as it often produces a more ethical direction.  Remain true to your values – transferring the skills and aptitudes you demonstrate on a personal level to the workplace – as you say what you believe and do what you know to be right.  Praise often and loudly – criticize only when necessary (then only constructively) and in private.  Be the leader you were destined to become by equipping yourself with the tools necessary to accomplish the task – seeking and participating in training designed to maximize your ability to motivate others.

ACKNOWLEDGE THE PAST AND RECOGNIZE THE PRESENT TO ACHIEVE A FUTURE NOT YET REALIZED

Education, once a privilege, has become a necessity if individuals expect to find work within our ever-changing, constantly evolving world.  Life-long learning is a requirement for success and innovation – for any kind of job advancement – as we compete within a tech-driven world.  A high school education qualifies few for meaningful work as some form of specialized training or higher education is needed for even well-paying factory employment.  Life-long learning has become the standard for success – we cannot “arrive” and thrive anymore as we must view each accomplishment – each step of the ladder – as but a resting point rather than a final destination.  Mediocrity is the reward of the complacent – only those willing to invest (their time, their talents and their resources) will achieve excellence.  Unless we (as individuals) proactively and intentionally move forward, we will find ourselves drifting upon a becalmed sea without hope or direction – without a course we can chart that would take us from where we are to where we might wish to be.  Unless we identify AND move towards new opportunities as they present themselves, we will live like gulls as they scavenge through the debris that others have left behind.

Lost in the call for change is the definition of reality.  Should we prepare for the future by dwelling on what may have worked in the past to accomplish what needed to be done or by seeking new avenues and processes that might lead us to destinations that have yet to be realized?  Far too many people look into the tunnel seeking shelter from the storm rather than beyond it to seek opportunities yet to be realized.  It is important to live life recognizing both perspectives that a tunnel provides.  One can look into a tunnel as if it were a portal into the darkness, not knowing where it may lead OR as an entrance to the possibilities revealed when we look beyond the tunnel into new horizons not yet discovered or experienced.  

To succeed within a changing environment we must look back just long enough to acknowledge our

shortcomings so that we might analyze why our actions may have caused undesirable reactions (OR identify choices that led to success so they can be implemented elsewhere).  Understanding yesterday’s mistakes and acting to prevent them from recurring allows them to become tomorrow’s memories.  Repeating the same actions and activities hoping for different results becomes but a predictor of a future reality filled with disappointment and failure.

The only way we can thrive is by learning to accept the previously unacceptable - to innovate rather than dwelling in the comfort of our accomplishments.  We once sought knowledge so we could succeed by applying our "learning" to known, well-defined situations.  We learned to do specific activities, using tried and true techniques, to produce a known product, service or activity.  Today we must learn to think rather than simply thinking that we can "do as expected".  We must move away from rewarding effort towards encouraging accomplishment.  We must strengthen our relationships by focusing on the establishment and fulfillment of mission-based objectives.  We must accept the reality that people are not equal (so do not treat them as if they were) but rather are “built” with their own unique characteristics, skills and abilities.  

Greatness comes from leveraging the power of divergent thoughts, gifts and individual perspectives to create a consensus solution that will accomplish much more than could been individually imagined – from treating individuals differently while measuring their performance against defined standards and communicated expectations rather than comparing them to each other.  It comes from recognizing the value of those we choose to include within our lives around – to build them up so we can rise together to exceed our highest individual potential rather than tearing them down so we fall together to our lowest collective depths.  Our knowledge helps to establish our potential – our values (and how we treat those around us) determine our success.

Embracing the possibilities an uncertain future offers is much more productive than worrying about things we cannot control or obsessing over change that will happen with or without us.  Knowledge is power that, when utilized appropriately (ethically, consistently and with the good of the whole as a guiding principle) allows us to accomplish much BUT it can be gained ONLY when we seek (and act upon) opportunities to learn.  Pause momentarily to celebrate each victory, every milestone, significant anniversaries and worthwhile accomplishments but do not consider such achievements as being a final accomplishment.  Steps are but the path we should take as we move towards our final destination.  In order to realize our fullest potential – to build a limitless future from our present realities, we must celebrate progress as much as accomplishment.  We must recognize the importance of succeeding as much as we do success.  We must recognize the need for process and progress before we can expect to realize results.  We must innovate by applying all we know and learn to each new situation we face – by drawing upon our understanding of basic principles that can be extended to define a new reality not yet been imagined.

Each relationship we enter or task we begin becomes a path leading to an ever-changing destination or a destination in and of itself.  The former – a destination providing comfort, security and a “sense of sameness” that satisfies all needs and meets all expectations – may allow us to experience successes in our lifetime but we may never fulfill our potential.  If we choose to live life by celebrating the path upon which we travel as a continuum of wins and losses – of short stops and new beginnings – we will not only realize our full potential, we will achieve it.  Life is not measured by our time on this earth – by when we were born and when we die – but rather by what we do during our time – by who we touch, what we accomplish, how we live and how much “difference” we are able to make in the lives of those around us.  We can achieve what has not yet been realized ONLY when we realize (and act upon) all that has not been achieved.

KNOWING WHEN TO STAY (AND WHEN TO GO)...

Finding purpose – without actively seeking it – is like finding a perfection beyond all expectations.  Our abilities flow freely, far too powerfully to be contained.  Life becomes abundant and free – our results far exceeding the effort producing them.  While we do what we like, our labor becomes a path to be enjoyed – the destination but the logical conclusion of the choices we gladly make.  When we do what we want, the rewards far exceed what we invest, and all seems good in the world.  Living becomes but a chapter within a never-ending story – having no clear-cut beginning nor a definitive end, only the continuous expectation of good things to come.  Finding joy in what we do and with whom we choose to live – and happiness in what we have rather than what misery because of what we are lacking – allows us to live life as it is rather than wishing for what could have been – or for what has yet to be. 

When…

·         “Being” far outweighs “doing,” and the contributions we make towards the growth of others provides us more satisfaction than does advancing ourselves

·         We truly care more about the good that can be done than about who receives credit for doing it

·         We love what we do and are allowed to do what we love in a way that lifts others while fulfilling ourselves.

It is then that we know we should stay – for who could replace us should we go?

Should…

·         The promise of tomorrow become lost within the realities of today – realities rooted in (rather

            than built upon) our memories of the past

·         Our efforts become pain rather than pleasure – our destination becoming the driver making us lose site of the joy in our journey

·         All that we love in what we do become but things we do to accomplish what must be done

·         Our dreams become a flame that has lost its brilliance as it slowly dies to but a flicker or the path from which the fog was cleared be returned to its murky darkness

·         The hope that seemed so real for a season fade to but a wish for what might have been as our contributions become shadows passing quietly through the night

·         The certainty relied upon for strength and comfort become but an abandoned dwelling within the sheltered corners of a shattered mind

·         We seek more from life than we are willing to invest – wanting more from others than we are willing to give of ourselves. 

When…

·         You no longer find strength in your Dreams (for you have grown far too conscious of the limitations of your reality)

·         You no longer bask in the warmth of simply being (the need for external praise exceeding your own internal confidence)

·         What you know and are able to accomplish creates a barrier restricting the ability of others to exhibit their knowledge or minimizes their accomplishment

·         All that keeps you going is the fear of your alternatives rather than your ability to make a difference. 

Perhaps then comes the time that we should go – time to move on – letting go of what has not yet become.  It is then that we know we should go – for what might we inhibit or who might we impair should we stay? 

  

May we have the health and ability to stay as long as we are able to contribute – and the graciousness to go without dragging others down as we leave (or disrupt them should we stay).  In staying or in going…

·         It is the lucky ones who staked a claim to life that were able to embrace the world as their own reality

·         It is the fortunate ones who defined their dreams clearly, allowing nothing to interfere with their sense of purpose

·         It is the meaningful ones who have realized their hopes, accomplished their goals and given more to those around them than they could ever give themselves

·         It is the insightful ones who act intentionally in all they do rather than allowing destiny to choose their mate, guide their career or determine the way in which they will contribute to those around them or control their real. 

In whatever we do, may we stay as long as we can contribute – and walk away with our heads held high knowing (and acknowledging) all we accomplished should we choose to go.  When we choose to stay (or to go), may we know when to live life as it should be by living life as it is – and have the wisdom to know the difference – so we might know when it is time for us to stay (or it becomes time for us to go).

ADDRESS (RATHER THAN ACCEPTING) INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR

Some people seem to possess positive characteristics so distinguishing them from others that they seem to “walk on water.”  Others seem never to make mistakes – everything they touch turning to gold – their very presence tending to lift those around them to achieve better results.  (While they truly ARE NOT always right nor do they ALWAYS make the right decision, they usually identify their errors and correct them quickly – before others can see negative results – rather than proclaiming them from the rooftops and revealing their woes for the world to see.)  We see them as “super stars” shining brightly above all others – and they often see themselves as being above the crowd and beyond the fray.  These rare individuals do not need much guidance – they simply need clear objectives and general direction from someone willing to get out of their way as they move forward to accomplish great things. 

Increasingly (and unfortunately), it seems that people often seek success at the expense of others or wish to secure the “gains” of winning through the failures of others.  These individuals do not look to see who may have been stepped on during their rise to the top nor what rules might have been broken (or at least bent badly) along the way.  Whenever we find ourselves facing the reality of another’s inappropriate behavior (whether it affects us personally or not) we should first identify how our actions (either explicit or implicit) may have condoned the behavior and what might we be able to do to alter that validation.  We should look inward before striking outward – did something YOU said or expectations you imposed upon another drive him or her into an area outside of his or her core competency, experience or abilities – but MUST NOT excuse the results by giving a pass on the behavior.  We should identify what kinds of “outside pressures” the person may be feeling that would make him or her act inappropriately BUT cannot excuse the behavior because of their inability to act appropriately.  When helping an individual correct his or her inappropriate behavior we should establish how much of the blame we might realistically assume BUT must not build the net of deflection so strongly that responsibility is shifted away from the individual and onto his or her surroundings, experiences or the actions of others so none of the blame is assumed by the “offending party.” 

Discussing inappropriate behavior with another is naturally confrontational and never easy.  In preparation, plan a course of action and a general direction that discussion might follow BUT do not “script” your conversation to the point that you end up “reading without leading” or talking rather than communicating.  In their haste to avoid confrontation, many assume all the blame for other’s poor behavior by praising their fulfillment of responsibility without passing on (or addressing) any of the actions taken to accomplish that what was done.  Make sure you have fully communicated your expectations, are willing to acknowledge your part (if any) in the inappropriate actions, then act swiftly in addressing (and changing) them so they do not continue to reoccur.  We can NEVER change behavior if we fail to address it, continue to ignore it or simply accept it as is because we would prefer to take the path of least resistance.  Rarely in life do the “ends” ever truly justify the “means” as we do not often perform tasks in a vacuum – in a place without regard for how the things we do affect others. 

People do not really change much – they tend to be what they were allowed to become.  Rather than trying to change people behaving badly we must identify (specifically) the inappropriate behavior causing the disruption then clearly and concisely communicate “why” that behavior must change – discussing the ramifications of continued poor behavior ALONG WITH the rewards of altered behavior.  Only by focusing on the negative impact of continued inappropriate behavior – by defining an effect that can be linked directly to the cause - while detailing the rewards of appropriate behavior will inappropriate action ever be diminished (though, due to our human nature, it will never be totally addressed!).  Ultimately, as with any change, we must make sure that the rewards of change are greater than the benefits of remaining the same – that more pain is experienced should one NOT change than might be experienced should they alter their path. 

We will never address inappropriate behavior as long as we accept it (why would someone change without a compelling reason or reward)?  Perhaps Pogo had it right when he said “We have found the enemy and it is us…”  Unless (and until) we refuse to accept inappropriate behavior, we have only ourselves to blame for its existence!

ACCOMPLISH MORE BY LEADING (RATHER THAN CONTROLLING) OTHERS

Great leaders develop practices and communicate expectations that allow them to manage fairly and consistently as they motivate people to contribute their proportionate share towards the success of the team or the stability of relationships.  Unfortunately, there are many insecure and unprepared leaders seeking to claim all of the “gain” while accepting none of the “blame.”  The road to success is not a highway built by a single individual – rather it is a precarious path paved with the sacrifice and hard work of a team allowing individuals to share both setbacks and successes as they grow together towards the accomplishment of a goal.

We maximize the potential for success when a group develops and discusses mutually beneficial objectives then takes the actions necessary to bring them to fruition (leveraging their strengths while compensating for their individual deficiencies).  Poorly thought-out initiatives, reactions without consideration of repercussions and a general misdirection of otherwise worthwhile effort will result in failure.  A successful leader determines a direction, communicates a potential course of action then monitors progress – stepping in to redirect effort only when necessary.  In order to accomplish much with others, a leader must:

• BE ACTIVELY ENGAGED IN BUILDING APPROPRIATE RELATIONSHIPS.  Successful leaders are actively involved in making the decisions that affect themselves, those around them and/or their families.  Poor leaders often allow others to direct their actions (then complain when things do not progress as they might have wished).  Good leaders make decisions then move forward while monitoring progress so a detour does not become a dead end.  Poor leaders lose track of the “big picture” while making isolated decisions – tending to live within silos rather than on an operational farm.  While a stated objective becomes our final destination, the relationships and decisions we make build the path upon which we will travel.  How you lead (or relate to others) ultimately determines whom you lead (or are in relationship with).
• DELEGATE RESPONSIBILITY AND AUTHORITY TO THOSE AROUND YOU.  Good leaders analyze strengths when assigning projects to maximize the potential for successful resolution – they recognize what others can (and cannot) do, then work within those parameters to optimize the chances of success.  If an individual has the ability to perform a task, knows when it must be completed, and is not overloaded with interfering assignments, much will be accomplished IF the leader avoids micro-managing activities while remaining available for questions and monitoring progress.  Individuals must have the desire and feel the need to contribute – must feel empowered to identify alternative actions and enabled to act independently – before they will risk failure (or taste success).
• ACCEPT THAT FAILURE IS AN EXCELLENT TEACHING TOOL.  Far too many leaders feel that “winning at any cost” is the only way to be successful.  While winning more often than not is desirable, if an individual never makes a mistake he or she will not know how to deal with adversity.  Repeated failure should never be tolerated but if an individual can learn from a mistake – which is not dangerous, destructive or damaging to the organization’s (or the individual’s) reputation or ability to perform – embrace the shortcoming (rather than hiding it) and move beyond it (rather than dwelling within it).
• DEAL WITH ISSUES PROMPTLY AND APPROPRIATELY.  If something needs correcting and discipline is required, administer it specifically and immediately.  If an individual does something exceptionally well, celebrate as soon as possible.  It is important to stop (or clone) the behavior rather than avoiding or ignoring it.  Address and discuss issues that bother you BEFORE they become insurmountable.  One will not create mutually beneficial relationships if “everything is always wrong” and “nothing is ever right” in the actions, attitudes or behaviors of others.  Focus on modifying the behavior to achieve different results rather than addressing the individual and expecting personality change. 

Good leaders publicly celebrate success loudly while privately whispering (specifically and directly) about

failure.  They analyze themselves to identify their strengths (which they leverage towards a common good) and their weaknesses (which they work hard to strengthen OR minimize by leveraging another’s gifts).  A good leader may or may not be “a friend,” but must ALWAYS be seen as fair and consistent.  We must establish decision-making skills that allow us to act in a predictable and reasonable manner if we wish to become effective – which, if done by example rather than through edict – will allow us to accomplish great things with others.

EXPERIENCE UNLIMITED POSSIBILITIES BY AVOIDING THE BLAME GAME

Leadership emerges during times of trouble, turmoil and strife.  It had been said that anyone can manage during good times – that even a “blind squirrel can find a nut once in a while” – but what do YOU do when the going gets tough?  While there should be very little difference in your leadership style (whether at work or at home) when you face unexpected hurdles, far too many “competent” individuals excuse their own actions by blaming or deferring to others.  Seeking short term-gain (popularity, acceptance, being “liked” by others) often damages long-term credibility when “it was not my fault” is the immediate response to every issue, problem or concern that faces us.  In that we are all human, however, we are bound to fall into the “credibility exchange” trap.

Examples of “decision deferral” and “blame game mastery” exist everywhere we look.  The Government tends to shift blame rather than assuming ownership of most situations – and (sadly) the American People tend to accept that transfer as being acceptable.  The current Administration blames our past President for creating the crisis in care within the Veteran’s Administration because when we began the war in Iraq during the past presidency we did not anticipate the increased need for care so “it is not our fault” that there are more veterans in need than there are providers to care for them. Our past State administration blamed the previous governing body for our financial woes – then took credit for any gains by claiming that the turnaround was a result of implementing initiatives started during their time in office.  Rare is the politician who will say, “It does not matter who caused the situation – we must work together to identify the root cause of the problem so we can concentrate on its resolution rather than focusing on fault.”

On a personal level, individuals within failing (or suffering) relationships often blame others on their “position in life,” think “if only something else had happened differently, I would be in a different place,” or simply walk away rather than assuming part of the blame.  Many people feel vulnerable when they accepting blame rather than shift it to others.  “It is not MY fault!” is far easier to say than “I am sorry – I was wrong.”  An apology should be the beginning of a new direction rather than the end of a poor choice.  It is not a conclusion – it is a fresh start.  Too many people feel they need to avoid all appearance of being “human” (making mistakes, expressing doubt, changing a direction should the conditions change) if they want to be respected –that “being right” trumps “being real” when it comes to relationships.

At work, many examples of responsibility shift exist.  Seemingly competent managers sometimes tell staff to
“look busy” because “top management” is out to cut staff and “we don’t want that to happen to us” when orders begin to drop.  By building a bond of mutual fear with staff, these managers avoid the “blame bullet” but will never become leaders.  Rather than becoming part of the solution their deferral of responsibility has made them an unexpected part of the problem. A leader will “take the bull by the horns” and face reality by confirming that things are tough (staff probably already knows this), telling them that something must happen to change the current situation (insanity is doing things the same way expecting different results), and painting a realistic picture of what might happen unless an alternative is identified.  It does not really matter WHO is to blame or WHY the situation currently exists (if, indeed, it was the fault of another).  What DOES matter is what will (or can) be done to move from where we are (regardless of why we are there) to where we want to be.

Life is not a paved highway that provides us one clear path to a known destination – it is a winding road offering many alternatives. Unless (and until) we move forward, we will fall back (or be run over by others as they rush ahead).  When we wait for (and ultimately accept) the solution of others we give away our ability to define our own destiny.  We forfeit the right to share any of “the fame” (but often hold onto the desire to isolate and transfer “the blame”).  Blame is situational – life is transactional.  Avoiding (or accepting) the obvious does not create change – it fosters complacency. Assigning fault excuses our condition – accepting responsibility and seeking resolution initiates change.   If we wait for things to happen to us (or expect someone else to lead us from where we are), our choices become obvious and our results limited to a narrow set of defined (and predictable) outcomes.  If, however, we react and respond to situations rather than planning and anticipating (or blaming and excusing) – we will find our lives full of unpredictable moments that reveal to us unlimited potential leading to undefined (and unexpected) possibilities.

PROVIDING PATHWAYS

People face crossroads throughout their lives.  Some stressful situations are the result of unavoidable circumstances within our daily lives.  Most, however, are a result of our own individual failure to anticipate the potential ramifications of decisions we make (or choose not to make).  An idealist might ask how much stress can be avoided if timely and “correct” decisions that lead to a proper course of action are made BEFORE a difficult situation arises.  A realist would probably opt to consider how much stress is acceptable and what are the most likely avenues of escape when it becomes too much.  An optimist might look at stress as a proving ground – an opportunity to become stronger and prove one’s self-worth while moving towards a better place.  A pessimist might look at stress as a roadblock that makes the path impassable, causing one to turn around and seek the comfort of familiarity rather than forging ahead.  Some take accountability for their stress and share the success that might result from their efforts to move forward.  Others blame failure and complications on someone else while taking credit for gains and personally assuming any growth that might come from moving through difficult situations.

We all play a significant role in our own happiness (or sadness) yet can be major contributors to those same feelings in others depending upon the decisions we make and the directions we choose to take.  Dealing with people is an art.  In order to advance ourselves we must often provide others a “safe passage” so they can come along beside us as they actively contribute.  We should consider each situation we face – each decision we make – as an opportunity to find not only those parts of a solution that might be “partially true” but also what could be “potentially false.” As we provide a path for others to follow (which will hopefully allow them to become a “trailblazer” at some point in time), consider the following:

• Knowing what you want is half the battle.  Expressing what you want WITHOUT stifling creativity by saying how to do it is the other half.  The first question is a half truth – people should not be told exactly how to do things all the time – but they MUST be told what is expected if they are to achieve any fulfillment from their contributions and assisted along the way should they run into temporary obstacles or experience set-backs.
• All people bring a degree of experience and expertise to any situation.  They probably would not be in a position to offer their opinion if they were not at least marginally able to contribute to the resolution of an issue, concern or problem.  As soon as you think (and in some way express) that a question is “stupid,” you have lost all respect.  Not everyone knows the right answers (nor do many know the right questions!), so we should not expect people around us to act without some form of feedback or direction.  Allowing someone to run in whatever direction they choose might be good for their endurance BUT undirected effort and activity can create frustration, waste time and produce ineffective results.
• People are (and should be) expected to contribute to the resolution of a problem or the elimination of troubling situations by applying their individual skills and abilities.  They must also receive appropriate praise and effective correction – targeted towards improved performance – if we expect them to leverage their unique gifts as we develop and implement mutually beneficial solutions.
• Worrying about things or situations around us is a good thing.  Hiding reality from others is not so healthy. While people contributing to the resolution of a situation do not all need to know the same information, the DO need to know SOME information in order to act.  If we wish to be an island, expect to receive the limited rewards that a self-contained eco-system might provide.  When we want to receive all that is available to us – to benefit most from the efforts that a group can contribute – inform those around you what is going on, what will (or will not) work, what obstacles exist (and which are merely bumps in the road) and how they can help.  Letting others become involved is not a sign of weakness – it allows them to get involved in choosing the path to take so that there is “buy-in” to the path chosen – whether it is the “best path” (in our own opinion) or one that will (eventually) lead to the same destination.

Sometimes a “definite maybe” is the best way to work with those around us – expressing neither a strong directive nor an unarguable premise before asking for input and listening for a response from those around us. Provide a passageway by looking back while moving forward – by reaching out while holding back – by running ahead while encouraging others to follow – allowing us to move forward together.  Life does not stand still for anyone.  Allowing others to think their road is a straight and narrow passage to a known future as they travel upon a defined route does nothing to help them grow – it simply allows them to exist!  Providing passageways for them to consider as they move forward in life, however – being available as a resource should the need arise without becoming the only source of direction when the going gets tough – will help develop those around us into functioning contributors to our great society.

CREATING (OR ALLOWING) BEHAVIORAL CHANGE

There are three ways we can try to change another’s behavior.  We can order someone to change, enforcing the altered behavior with penalties or threats (coercion).  We can provide a reward or some other external recognition that is of value to them should they change (motivation).  We can provide a path that will make them a better person or allow them to be something different than they are (inspiration).  Whether in a business or personal relationship – or any role in which we find ourselves interacting with another in order to accomplish a single objective – positive and meaningful change results from an intentional action (even if one intentionally decides not to act) rather than an accidental happenstance.

Supervisors often coerce individuals to change.  They issue orders, give directions and tell people what to do (and often how to do it).  Theirs can often be a world having few opportunities for independent action so they provide even fewer chances for people they supervise to act independently.  While supervision IS (thankfully) changing, many individuals leading work that can be accomplished without much training or preparation spend much of their time assigning work, reviewing processes and measuring results, leaving little time to invest on motivating or influencing altered behavior.  Rather than asking or laying the groundwork for

change, they direct and monitor activities so they can achieve.  We negate individuality when coercing change as responses become defined and expected rather than encouraged and supported.  In personal relationships, individuals who coerce others often tear them down to build themselves up – focus on “what went wrong” rather than celebrating “what went well.”  Coercive individuals tend to get what they want but may get ONLY what they want – and often find that their gains are short term and of limited value.  They find that telling may produce quick results but rarely does it produce the best result imaginable.

Managers often motivate individuals to change.  They identify alternatives, provide choices and give people reasons that make them want to alter their behavior.  Motivation to change can be as minimal as providing a tangible reward to induce action.  When combined with punishment for not changing, motivation can be a powerful means of producing results.  The problem with motivation, however, is that an external force must initiate the change.  In a working relationship, a manager often identifies what is best for the organization, the employee and him or her self then initiates action by spelling out what will happen if change does not occur (coercion) but also what will happen should favorable change occur (motivating the alteration).  As long as a manager is present to identify a suspect behavior and provide reason to change, good things will happen. Rarely, however, will an employee used to constant motivation see the need to change unless they continue to receive external impetus.  In a relationship, individuals who motivate often do so by first “breaking down” another (coercion) but then provide a reason that change would be beneficial (often benefiting the motivator as much if not more than the motivated).  Much can be accomplished when individuals are motivated to change – the problem with motivation, however, is that an object at rest (or an individual whom is content to do what he or she is doing) tends to remain at rest (or doing what has proven to be comfortable).  Until one is convinced that they must change their behavior if they are to receive different results, they will not experience growth.

Leaders inspire others to change.  Rather than telling people what must be done they show individuals a better way.  Rather than dwelling upon an individual’s negative behavior they reward positive efforts.  Leaders paint a picture of “what if” or “what could be” rather than one of “what is” or “what will always be.”  A leader makes people want to change in order to achieve something they wish to have, accomplish or become.  Inspirational change goes beyond telling (coercion) and past selling (motivation) – it leads another towards self-actualization.  Inspiration causes people to see why changes should take place, creating an internal desire to abandon who they are to become what awaits them.  Inspirational change is often caused by one’s desire to “be like” another or to achieve what someone else has accomplished – to make oneself (or another) proud of their actions.  In a personal relationship, inspirational leadership makes another want to join in (rather than follow) and to share the "road less traveled" (rather than taking the quickest, fastest route to nowhere).  Rarely will inspirational leaders tell another what must be done or how to do it – they allow their actions to speak louder than their words.  When we look to be that which has not yet been identified we initiate lasting change – which becomes the platform for continued growth.

Whether you choose to coerce, motivate or inspire change, recognize that an individual must see a reason to change before they will abandon their ways to pursue a new horizon.  We cannot CREATE change within an individual – we are only able to initiate it.  We cannot FORCE change within an individual – we are only able to guide it.  We cannot make another do that which they choose not to – we can only provide positive reasons to act AND identify negative consequences should they choose not to act.

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT

Life is full of opportunities, challenges, suggestions and directions – all working to guide our paths as we accomplish our daily activities.  While many have adopted “gems of wisdom” handed down through previous generations to help guide their actions, influence their decisions and help establish their sense of values, over the years (along with the “golden rule” and other biblical principals) I have developed several concepts that help mold my personal decisions (that I have listed below).  When we feel we “have arrived” and know it all – when we can stop learning and coast through life with the knowledge we have accumulated – is when we actually stop living and begin only to exist.

• If given the option of doing something right or doing it quickly, choose doing it right. 
• Do not make a decision until (and unless) you are willing to accept the consequences of your actions.
• Newton had it right – every action results in an equal and opposite reaction.  Do not act
  without considering what will change, who will be effected and whether more good than bad will be brought into play.
• Life is not an isolated event having one beginning and one end.  It is a series of starts and stops
  
  – of new beginnings arising from short-term plateaus rather than of abrupt endings without thoughts of continuation.  If you do nothing else in life, enjoy what you do.  If you seek nothing else from life, seek what you wish to accomplish.  Should you ever feel that “all has been said” and “all has been done,” run quickly from where you are – get back onto the circle of life where every end is but the beginning of something new and different.
• Spending time to improve ourselves often provides an immediate return.  Spending the same time to improve others pays dividends in the future that are incalculable to us today.
• It is better to live life without fearing death than to fear death so much that you fail to live life. 
•  Life is full of activity and of rest – of visions and of voids.  Refresh during times of rest so you
  can accomplish much during times of activity.  Perhaps more importantly, make sure no void ever goes unfilled.
• When you say things without worrying about how they will affect others you build a ceiling that limits how far you may rise.  When you say things without caring how they affect others you reduce others so that you might easily rise above them without having to elevate yourself.  Only when you rise with the help and assistance of others will the sky be your limit.
• Turning out the lights indicates closure on things we have accomplished.  Reaching for the stars exposes new opportunities we have not yet seen.  I would prefer spending my time looking into the light than staring into the darkness.
  
• When reaching out to help others, make sure you provide the tools they need to accomplish great things rather than only the great things they want.  All your help and efforts become but a disservice if an individual receives “the world” without learning how to achieve (and maintain) greatness through their own efforts and abilities.

Please feel free to reply to this list with additional insights and “rules of engagement” you rely upon to help develop your actions, interactions and attitudes.

BECOMING INTEGRAL

Many individuals seek to make a difference – to become an integral part of the solution rather than a major part of the problem – but fail to recognize that personal credibility (the key to being integral) is established through the quality (rather than the frequency) of contributions.  Credibility is determined not by what (or how much) we say but by what HAPPENS when we act on our thoughts, concepts or directives.  Implied by this statement is that to establish credibility we must:

• Hear issues with an open mind
• Analyze each situation to identify potential solutions
• Consider both positive and negative implications before implementing a solution
• Initiate change by acting on our ideas, and 
• Accept that changing OR staying the course are both intentional actions that produce consequences.  

Information is rampant in today’s society.  Electronic communications, on-line searches, business magazines, newsletters, and “wiki how-to’s” are available to anyone opening their mail or turning on their computer.  There has been a proliferation of “personal coaches” seeking individuals needing to be led down the narrow road to success and “cannot fail” solutions to everything from the stock market to personal relationships.  The market is flooded with “self-help” books written by “world-class experts” attempting to impart their infinite wisdom to a searching public.  With all this data available, why would an individual seek credibility by simply FINDING information that someone else could use to develop a solution?  Merely finding material, or referring others to where it can be found MAY establish you as a resource but WILL NOT add to personal or professional credibility in today’s information age.

In order to become an integral part of the solution we must take proactive steps that transform information into action by advancing thoughts and ideas to reality.  We must also accept not only the responsibility for taking action but also accountability for the results that our actions produced.  Far too many individuals are happy to give suggestions AS LONG AS someone else assumes the risk while providing them the rewards.

Anyone can find data and figure out what to do once a problem has materialized.  To become integral we must learn how to ANTICIPATE NEEDS for solutions by knowing enough about them to predict what might go wrong BEFORE the train derails.  Just “doing” your job or “avoiding conflict” in a relationship rarely provides the insight needed to become an integral partner.  We must delve deeply into the inner-workings of an operation (or a relationship) to understand the “why” rather than simply accepting the “what” of a situation.  The first step towards “becoming integral” is a self-initiated one of becoming knowledgeable – and having the courage to act once we come to an understanding of the situation.

In order to establish credibility we must learn how to INTERPRET not only the situation but also the available data so it that can be transformed into relevant information that allows us to take intentional actions to resolve a problem or improve a situation.  If the world needed ONLY data and information, why would it need you?  ALWAYS seek to add value to the data you find or the information you acquire by interpreting it and communicating it in a way that can be used by the audience – whether at work or in your personal life.  Recognize that this communication will vary based upon the audience – and that your conversation must be sincere and believable (rather than shallow or patronizing) to be seen as “credible.”  Gains (or losses) of credibility will be determined by:

• The value you add to those that HEAR your communication and
• The ACTION they can take because they believe your solutions to be:
• Practical (or realistically innovative)
• Feasible (or strongly possible)
• Understandable (rather than beyond their understanding), and
• Relevant (providing something of value “in return” for the risk they take when acting)

You must show how the information you provide can generate solutions (or positive change) if you seek to

become an integral part of a team (or a relationship).  Information without application is like a tire without air – it exists but is not nearly as useful as intended.  A tire becomes a valuable tool when we pump air into it – a worthless foundation should it remain flat.  We will never become a part of the solution until we establish our credibility with others by their seeing us as a valuable, viable and essential resource.

We become integral by imposing our own will rather than waiting for permission from someone else – by taking action rather than waiting for instructions or assignments.  We will never become more than others perceive us to be if we limit our contributions through an aversion of risk or an avoidance of independent actions (and the acceptance of their consequences).  To fully realize our potential by becoming an integral part of the solution rather than a replaceable (and expendable) part of the problem we must allow our thoughts, ideas and the consistently positive results of our actions convince others we are what we seek to become.