WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT OFTEN COMES AFTER THE “BUT…”

Have you ever thought about how much you say in just a couple of words AFTER you agree, compliment or encourage a person when you clarify the comment with the small yet mighty three letter word “but?”  Great idea BUT have you considered…?  Good job BUT if you had done it this way think of how much more you could have accomplished.  SOMETIMES it might be better to simply say that something was not done as you anticipated or even to just forget any kind of half-hearted compliment than it is to give shallow and meaningless praise that is qualified by your own opinion or experience.  When a person comes to you with a suggestion or solution to an issue, do you stop yourself at, “Great work…let me know how it works!” or do you clarify by saying, “Great idea…BUT what about…?”  

Far too often we assume an idea is implemented once it is stated and gravitate to the “what is the next step” phase rather than providing praise and validation for the idea or concept that was developed (and, more importantly, to the person who developed it).  We move to “what is next” without considering that the person initiating the solution has not yet put it into practice so our “it was stated so it must already be done” thinking may be a discouragement.  What we meant as encouragement is often heard as condescension – minimizing the value of their solution by building a tower upon their foundation without acknowledging the work and effort that went into the initial phases of construction.  Recognizing the reality of this flaw does not eliminate it from happening but consciously and intentionally thinking about it can help to slow down our initial responses and truly seek value in the contributions that others can make.

Relationships can suffer unless we be careful about what is said after the “but.”  “That dress looks great on you BUT you should try something in blue.”  What do you think is focused upon – that the dress looks good or that the color is wrong?  “The lawn looks nice BUT what can we do about the weeds?”  Was your work appreciated or did you NOT do something that was perceived to be more critical than what you DID?  Other examples in our “home life” might include: 

“Thanks for helping out with the cleaning BUT you missed a spot.”

“I am really sorry BUT you never listen to me anyway.”

“It has been a great vacation but maybe we can plan for more down time next year.”

“You really did a great job of planning but why did we have to go during my busy time at work?”

Think about what comes AFTER the BUT in these statements...THAT is what people around you hear.  Would you like to build a relationship with someone that focuses on what you did NOT do rather than what you DID?  With someone who deflects responsibility by shifting blame?  With someone that likes to be with you BUT withheld any discussion or comments until the time to share has passed?  What is said after a clarifying extension can be disruptive in a work relationship BUT it can destroy a personal one.

How many times have you complimented an employee, a friend or a family member only to be disappointed they did not seem to pay any attention to the praise you gave them?  What is wrong with them that they do not accept the intent of your words rather than hearing the reservations behind them?  Might you have minimized your compliment with an ill-placed “but?”  Have you been guilty of telling a child, “I am happy you got an 89% on that test BUT you are smarter than that...I know you could have done better had you studied a little more.”  What do you think they heard – that you are happy for what they did OR disappointed that they could have, in your opinion, done better?  That you accept them as they are or that you know they can be smarter “if only” they had done something differently?  If you tell an employee, “Great work today – tomorrow we will do even more!”  What do they REALLY hear – that you thought they did well OR that they should have done better?  What if you tell someone you care about that you appreciate what they are trying to do but that they do not understand so they should not try to get involved?  Saying things without thinking after a “but” can be destructive to one’s authority, respect AND relationships – no “if’s, and’s or but’s about it.”

Acknowledging our tendencies to minimize the efforts of others is a great first step – accepting that those seemingly motivational tendencies could result in more damage to others than they do good and committing to change the way you show acceptance and accept input from others is more important.  As you communicate with others, think about what HAS happened rather than focusing so much on what COULD have happened (or on what has yet to be accomplished).  Give credit and praise rather than extending your comments or compliments with “BUT…,” “WHAT IF…,” or “HAVE YOU CONSIDERED?”  If extensions are needed, address them within a separate conversation RATHER THAN putting them behind a “but…”  Make sure that what is important is heard rather than being lost as insignificant noise – whether at work or in your personal life – as you focus on what really matters to others as well as yourself.

BECOMING WHAT WE WERE MEANT TO BE…

Far too many people try to act like who (or what) they wish they were rather than who they really are...seeking to be something or someone that others might “like better” or who might be more impactful without investing the “sweat equity” required to initiate change and produce transformation.  In order to modify our core beliefs, personality characteristics and learned abilities so that we become who we hope to be, we must see more gain from the change than we feel pain from NOT changing.  People change very little once they have established their basic values, patterns and thought processes.  It is often easier (and more effective) to leverage an individual’s strengths than it is to try to build up their shortcomings.  As Dr. Seuss so aptly proclaimed, "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."  We are who we become because of the choices we make and the roads that we take.  Whether those choices are intentional or we simply accept what others expect us to be and do, our actions shape and mold us into what we become.  Should we wish or hope to be anything different we must consciously decide to move from where we are to where we wish to be as we strive to satisfy and fulfill our own destiny RATHER THAN trying to please another or try to be all that another would have us be (for them rather than for ourselves).  When we seek to realize our full potential to become “all that we can be,” what others think or feel really does not matter for their expectations will change like the wind and only that which is real and anchored within ourselves will survive the storms of life.

Before we can achieve we must identify what needs to be accomplished and visualize the steps we should take to begin our journey – recognizing that the trail we choose may lead us through many detours and dead ends – forcing us to start and stop many times along the way – but will deter us only if we allow ourselves to be distracted by what might seem like the easy way out.  It may be that those who do most, dream most (Stephen Leacock).  We should dream about what we wish to have or accomplish, who we are or might wish to be, and how we expect to make a difference in the lives of others – recognizing how each might differ from our current circumstance.  One must first imagine something as being POSSIBLE before it can become PROBABLE – yet "Dreams take time, patience, sustained effort, and a willingness to fail if they are ever to be anything more than dreams." (Bryan Linkoski).  Dreams can become the destination to which life leads us as long as we give ourselves permission to follow them – to put our own wishes and desires on an equal plain with the expectations that others place upon us.  Those without dreams – without hopes of accomplishing more than they have or having more than they have been given – may live comfortably (and possibly find happiness within the walls that security might provide) but will never achieve greatly and rarely find true joy in life.

While “failure” is not necessarily a desired outcome of change, it is not often fatal.  We must realize that success rarely occurs without failure and that gain does not stand alone without loss.  Robert F. Kennedy said, "Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly."   Individuals who have truly made a difference in this world understand that failure is not the worst thing in they will ever face (and conquer).  Rather, the worst thing is to have failed to try – to not “get up” after being knocked down by life – refusing to push forward through trials for fear of what might be lost rather than looking forward to what might be gained.  Much intentional thought and deliberate action is required to succeed – failure becomes but the path of least persistence should we choose to avoid the pain that so often proceeds gain.  If we are to transform thoughts to reality, the word “impossible” must not be a part of our vocabulary.  While facts, information and well-considered alternatives are frequently the building blocks of change, perhaps Dexter Yeger appropriately described its essence saying, "If the dream is big enough, the facts don't count.”

Life is a series of chapters coming to an end as pages are turned to reveal new beginnings.  Knowing the facts and understanding how to make change happen does not ensure transformation in and of itself, however.  Will Rogers stated, "Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there."  As we seek change in our lives, actions and attitudes we should always consider that we are here to add what we can to life, not to get from it what might be offered.  We cannot hope to be any different unless (and until) we consciously leave what we have or where we are by consciously reaching for what we might want or how we would prefer to live.  Comfort (the coming to terms with who we are and what we can or cannot do) discourages change.  If life were meant to be stagnant we would not have been provided with a mind, a spirit and a free will to exercise the talents and abilities we each possess.  We would have been rooted in place rather than being allowed to wander – finding satisfaction with things as they have always been rather than seeking those possibilities that have not yet materialized.  We would be comfortable and content within “the box” that we accept as our limitation rather than choosing to stand upon it to search for new opportunities, seeking what “could be” rather than accepting “what is.”  Life is limited not by what the world tells us is impossible but rather by what we allow ourselves to believe is possible.

Mark Twain once said "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."  We are not “owed” success – we must identify what it means, seek it without limitation then INTENTIONALLY ACT to make it become reality within our lives.  Think big, act audaciously (without fear of failure) and keep your eyes focused on the prize (even if you begin to slide backwards along the way) as you transform failure’s lessons into success.  While being what another might wish you to be or acting as he or she might want you to act could provide a life of comfort and security – of avoiding conflict and minimizing risk, being true to yourself – seeking to become the most that you can be and settling for nothing less than the happiness you deserve – will ultimately provide joy in your journey and the fulfillment of your true potential.

LIVING BEYOND THE NUMBERS...

While we are not all given the same number of days, we ARE all provided the same number of hours each day.  Some seem to find limitless ways to spend their hours while others invest their limited hours in ways they can spend up to but never beyond their limits.  We are not promised or guaranteed any changes in life other than change itself – nor are we promised any level of greatness, success, achievement, accomplishment (emotional satisfaction, personal gratification...or whatever you choose to seek within this unpredictable world) other than the level we establish USING the talents and gifts we have been provided.

This past year has been one of darkness – one in which far too many individuals have been plucked from this earthly journey to begin the next far sooner than we might have wished or anticipated – often without finishing all they had started (or even before they could start all they had hoped to accomplish).  While we prefer the light of day, it is often the threat (or realization) of darkness that awakens us to the reality of our fragile existence – that makes us recognize our days may be numbered.  Such an unavoidable limitation, however, should not mean that our accomplishments must be diminished, our contributions to life reduced, our personal joy buried or the difference we make in the lives of others put on the shelf for fear of it interrupting our personal “master plan.”  Rather we should work hard to identify our gifts, talents and abilities so that we might be able to fully leverage them as we live the life we want rather than accepting what others might want us to be, how they want us to act and how we might be expected to serve their needs when and how they might dictate.  While life may not be too short to accomplish what we truly plan to do and invest ourselves in accomplishing, it is too short to live our lives as others might expect and demand if such actions negatively impact our ability to be fulfilled within the life we have been given.

How do you use YOUR gift of time?  Are you a productive and contributing part of life’s solutions or a disruptive part of its problems?  Are you a dreamer seeking new roads that have yet to be traveled or one content to rest on the laurels of past success and accomplishment – stifling all desire to identify new horizons?  Are you a seeker of opportunity or an opportunist awaiting the next windfall?  Are you one who seeks pleasure and joy in life or one from whom life seems to suck all pleasure and joy that might come your way?  Do you find yourself constantly doing what you may not want to do in order to avoid conflict or confrontation or are you able to remain true to yourself while you help and assist others?  Our perspective on life will color our reality, establishing the backdrop for all that we are and hope to become.  It will serve as a launch pad from which those we influence are able to move forward.  The longer we live we find that the “falling” in life is not the most significant obstacle we face – rather it is the choice we make of either “getting up” and the “moving on” (or the staying down and awaiting attention) that makes us who we are. 

We tend to fulfill our potential – to establish and maintain control over where we are and what we do – when we intentionally act upon our thoughts or ideas.  We allow ourselves to be controlled by another’s thoughts, ideas, individual desires or unexpected circumstances when we choose NOT to act (either intentionally or inadvertently) to new opportunities or challenges.  Our days ARE numbered – as this past year’s pandemic has clearly and directly pointed out to each of us.  Do not let the way that those days are lived – or the joy you are able to receive from living them to their fullest – be diminished by allowing your life to be lived solely for someone else – for their pleasure and benefit – or you will no longer be able to make the difference (nor experience the joy) that living life to the limits of the days we are given provides.