WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT OFTEN COMES AFTER THE “BUT…”

Have you ever thought about how much you say in just a couple of words AFTER you agree, compliment or encourage a person when you clarify the comment with the small yet mighty three letter word “but?”  Great idea BUT have you considered…?  Good job BUT if you had done it this way think of how much more you could have accomplished.  SOMETIMES it might be better to simply say that something was not done as you anticipated or even to just forget any kind of half-hearted compliment than it is to give shallow and meaningless praise that is qualified by your own opinion or experience.  When a person comes to you with a suggestion or solution to an issue, do you stop yourself at, “Great work…let me know how it works!” or do you clarify by saying, “Great idea…BUT what about…?”  

Far too often we assume an idea is implemented once it is stated and gravitate to the “what is the next step” phase rather than providing praise and validation for the idea or concept that was developed (and, more importantly, to the person who developed it).  We move to “what is next” without considering that the person initiating the solution has not yet put it into practice so our “it was stated so it must already be done” thinking may be a discouragement.  What we meant as encouragement is often heard as condescension – minimizing the value of their solution by building a tower upon their foundation without acknowledging the work and effort that went into the initial phases of construction.  Recognizing the reality of this flaw does not eliminate it from happening but consciously and intentionally thinking about it can help to slow down our initial responses and truly seek value in the contributions that others can make.

Relationships can suffer unless we be careful about what is said after the “but.”  “That dress looks great on you BUT you should try something in blue.”  What do you think is focused upon – that the dress looks good or that the color is wrong?  “The lawn looks nice BUT what can we do about the weeds?”  Was your work appreciated or did you NOT do something that was perceived to be more critical than what you DID?  Other examples in our “home life” might include: 

“Thanks for helping out with the cleaning BUT you missed a spot.”

“I am really sorry BUT you never listen to me anyway.”

“It has been a great vacation but maybe we can plan for more down time next year.”

“You really did a great job of planning but why did we have to go during my busy time at work?”

Think about what comes AFTER the BUT in these statements...THAT is what people around you hear.  Would you like to build a relationship with someone that focuses on what you did NOT do rather than what you DID?  With someone who deflects responsibility by shifting blame?  With someone that likes to be with you BUT withheld any discussion or comments until the time to share has passed?  What is said after a clarifying extension can be disruptive in a work relationship BUT it can destroy a personal one.

How many times have you complimented an employee, a friend or a family member only to be disappointed they did not seem to pay any attention to the praise you gave them?  What is wrong with them that they do not accept the intent of your words rather than hearing the reservations behind them?  Might you have minimized your compliment with an ill-placed “but?”  Have you been guilty of telling a child, “I am happy you got an 89% on that test BUT you are smarter than that...I know you could have done better had you studied a little more.”  What do you think they heard – that you are happy for what they did OR disappointed that they could have, in your opinion, done better?  That you accept them as they are or that you know they can be smarter “if only” they had done something differently?  If you tell an employee, “Great work today – tomorrow we will do even more!”  What do they REALLY hear – that you thought they did well OR that they should have done better?  What if you tell someone you care about that you appreciate what they are trying to do but that they do not understand so they should not try to get involved?  Saying things without thinking after a “but” can be destructive to one’s authority, respect AND relationships – no “if’s, and’s or but’s about it.”

Acknowledging our tendencies to minimize the efforts of others is a great first step – accepting that those seemingly motivational tendencies could result in more damage to others than they do good and committing to change the way you show acceptance and accept input from others is more important.  As you communicate with others, think about what HAS happened rather than focusing so much on what COULD have happened (or on what has yet to be accomplished).  Give credit and praise rather than extending your comments or compliments with “BUT…,” “WHAT IF…,” or “HAVE YOU CONSIDERED?”  If extensions are needed, address them within a separate conversation RATHER THAN putting them behind a “but…”  Make sure that what is important is heard rather than being lost as insignificant noise – whether at work or in your personal life – as you focus on what really matters to others as well as yourself.