THE CRITICAL DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CONVERSATION AND COMMUNICATION

Far too many people believe having the ability to CONVERSE is the same as being able to COMMUNICATE. They believe that telling is equivalent to talking – that sending an e-mail or leaving a voicemail message is better than spending time in two-way discussion. They believe that if one can speak effectively, they will be able to influence the behavior of others – that “give and take” conversation only delay their decision-making process.  They are firm believers in the principle that “he/she who speaks last is right” so will talk an issue to death (or send a declaratory note or leave a one-sided voicemail) rather than allowing someone else to have the “final say” (or sometimes any “say: at all).  Rather than recognizing that individuals have two ears and one mouth (which should be an indicator of importance – redundancy is necessary and critical part of our lives) they think since the SIZE of a mouth is larger than the size of two ear canals it MUST add more value to exercise the vocal cords than the ear drums. A recent television show demonstrated this particularly well…a husband and wife both had events happen in their day that were critical and important to each other. The wife tried to talk about her day and was ignored as the husband talked about his. When challenged on his lack of attention he stated that her issues were not as important as his and that he was sure she would get over whatever happened to her – causing her to leave the room saying that “you do not even see me, do you?” While an extreme example, far too often our conversations can become proclamations rather than discussions…position statements rather than a sharing of experiences…eliminating any possibility of critical communications through interactive conversation. 

EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION is a sum of several important parts – not simply words spoken or sounds heard. Talking is saying words in a logical sequence – often (but not always) prefaced by thought and an understanding of what should be said. Communication is the art of organizing our thoughts to reflect the message we wish others to hear so that a two-way dialog can result in an appropriate action. Conversation is an exchange of words – hopefully (but not always) between two individuals that exchange thoughts and ideas while communication is the transformation of thoughts and words into meaningful action. Conversation typically involves what you wish to share with another – communication focuses more on what you wish to accomplish together.  In order to communicate effectively we must: 

·         Listen actively

·         Speak ONLY after considering the ramifications of our words

·         Establish and assign ownership to a shared vision or idea while transferring responsibility with accountability to the individual(s) assuming ownership of each task

·         Intentionally follow-through to make sure expectations are met and objectives are accomplished on a timely basis (while avoiding our natural tendency to “rescue” or “save” another from mistakes or failures)

·         Allow mistakes (our own and those of others) to become learning experiences rather than death sentences

·         Praise openly and honestly – criticize privately and quietly 

To communicate well we must identify what we wish to accomplish – figure out what we want our words to change, alter or enhance – before we begin to talk, write or “tweet.” Politicians often seem to say whatever they think you want to hear – in a manner convincing enough to make us forget what they may have said yesterday or what they will be saying tomorrow. They are typically highly effective conversationalists but may be lacking as communicators (where listening and speaking must closely align). Politicians (and other effective public speakers) deliver what their audience wants to “take away” from a speech – often abandoning their principles or core values in order to appease the masses. A conversationalist enters a debate with his or her ears (and mouth) wide open, clearly identifying and discussing multiple “means” but often failing to bring to fruition an “end.”  An effective communicator plans his or her outcome before speaking, listens (and considers) reactions, responds meaningfully, then works towards a mutually satisfactory actionable result. Ineffective communication is often “telling” while effective communication becomes active, participative “selling.”

One of the more critical aspects of communication is silence – that space where listening becomes active and saying nothing helps to formulate direction. When one is speaking, he or she is not actively listening. When planting your thoughts and concepts it is hard to harvest the bounty that another’s ideas might contribute. When we try to be heard above the noise around us, we often lose sight of the fact that a whisper can be much more effective in a quiet, listening room than can be a shout in a crowded building. Silence often creates discomfort – but it is not YOUR responsibility to fill every void with the sound of your own voice. In order to communicate effectively we must allow silence to be deafening at times – echoing within the conversational void as if it were an angry sea pounding upon a rocky and unforgiving shore. Allow your thoughts and ideas to fill the moments of silence that listening (rather than talking) can create, then EXPRESS those thoughts into encouraging words that identify issues, welcome contribution, communicate direction and motivate change. 

Effective Communication is more than talking – it is transforming words into actions through carefully directed compromise that produces “win-win” situations rather than creating and fostering “win-lose” relationships. When wishing to share experiences, thoughts, feelings or dreams – converse. While one needs to converse in order to communicate, not all conversation becomes effective communication. Communication is an active two-way exchange of thoughts and ideas that results in the investment of time and resources focused on the accomplishment of an intended consequence. Talk is cheap as it tends to fill time and space with words that do not necessarily require an investment of resources to create an intended (or intentional) consequence. While conversation is a necessary part of living within a community, communication is the key to change. When you need to accomplish something – when an action must result in an equal and opposite reaction that alters or modifies a condition or behavior – communicate your thoughts, your intents, and your expectations clearly by stating the facts then listening for (and encouraging) buy-in from all involved. We should all strive to be better conversationalists BUT making a conscious effort to communicate more effectively can help to change the world (or at least our role within it both at work AND within our personal relationships).