OUR WORDS ARE OFTEN HEARD AS WHISPERS WHILE OUR ACTIONS BECOME DEAFENING ROARS

It is hard to convince others that something is wrong (EVEN IF you tell them not to and talk about the dire consequences their actions may bring) when they see you doing something similar (“Do as I say, not as I do” is not a precursor to credibility and respect).  How can you expect employees that work for you to adhere to an “eight to five” schedule if your own day frequently begins at eight fifteen or ends at four thirty?  (Forget about the fact that you might have been doing company business the previous night, or that lunch was more of a thought than an action, or that breaks are not part of the daily routine.)  People SEEING you come to work late or WATCHING you leave early – or seeing you take an hour and a half lunch tend to assume the same casual attitude themselves.  Parents tell their children to obey the rules (as they break the speed limit driving them somewhere) and to listen to their teachers (as they complain about their boss who “does not know anything”).  We want others to treat us with respect (while we actively dis-respect elected officials or people who think differently than we do) and to look up to leadership (while we look down upon those we lead).  We want those we care about to listen to our ideas (while we close our minds to their suggestions and ideas) and to share (when our actions say we would be happy to give if we were sure we would receive back in return). 

While people often try to speak with confidence – trying to be straightforward in what they say (whether they feel convicted or not) – we all, in varying degrees based on our position, our relationship or our visibility, live in glass houses having no shades or way to hide what we do "inside" from those looking at us from "the outside."  No matter how much we try to control our conversation so others hear only what we want them to hear, they will look into our "house" through its many open windows to see how we truly act (rather than listening only to what we say). Since the truth we live (the observable and often silent reality we demonstrate through our actions) is louder than the tales we tell, some observations for living in a glass house might include:

           

           Our actions speak far more loudly than do our words.  Others may hear what we say but they see what we do.  As a child I was taught that “seeing is believing” but never was I told that “hearing makes things right.”  Whether you deal with people as a manager, a peer, a friend, or as part of a family, those around you establish their perception of you – their beliefs, values, understanding and respect (or lack of it) – by what you do and how you act (either in a crowd OR alone when you think nobody is watching) rather than by the things you say (about yourself or the way you wish to be seen).  To be viewed as credible you must ACT incredibly.

           Look for the good in others rather than ALWAYS identifying (and correcting) the bad.   Most people can see what others do wrong (and are quick to point those shortcomings out) but rarely recognize or acknowledge what they do right.  A stressed parent rarely tells their child that he or she is “being a good shopper” when rushing through the store, but the pleas of “NO!” or, “just wait until we get home...” or, “I am never bringing you to the store again!” can be heard throughout a busy store.  Though we need to confront negative behavior if it is to be corrected, we should also make an effort to acknowledge and verbalize appreciation for things done well.  We must also model the behavior we want (or wish to have happen) by doing it the things that we ask others to do ourselves (rather than holding ourselves above the laws that apply to others).

           Never throw bricks when you live in a glass house.  Though you may open the window before tossing your criticism out at a friend or co-worker, they rarely take the time to open the door before returning fire.  Many people defend their inappropriate actions by shifting focus and blame – deferring their own “wrong” by positioning it as being “less serious” than the misstep of another – rather than admitting to the mistake and taking intentional action to correct it (and resolve any negative consequences that it may have put into motion).  When we view life as if we were living in a glass house – with our actions, thoughts and intentions fully revealed and exposed to those around us leaving no place to hide our own errors and secrets – we find ourselves more understanding of the shortcomings of others, the reasons they might (or might not) do things, and less apt to see fault without first making sure we are without blame ourselves.

           Judge yourself first using the same standards you apply to others.  The greatest leaders of our times would never ask others to do what they would not do themselves.  Strong relationships are built upon the backs (and shoulders) of individuals putting the needs, feelings and desires of OTHERS in front of their own.  Truly great generals led their troops into battle rather than following them from behind.  Parents must “walk the talk” for their children.  Managers cannot expect full productivity, efficiency and dedication to the organization without first giving it themselves.  Friends must first BE a friend before they can EXPECT to have friends. 

           Focus on results or specific actions that could have contributed to undesired results when addressing individual inadequacies rather than the person who created the problem or failed to produce the result.  It is far easier to change results by providing an alternative pathway than it is to modify behavior by telling someone what you do not like and what did not work.  Judge yourself by identifying your role within the relationship or your contribution to the situation – your own action (or inaction) that may have been partially responsible for the shortcoming – before judging others.

When we live as though we are in a glass house without shades or curtains to hide what we are we begin to focus on what we should be doing rather than on what others should not be doing.  We open not only windows to look out but also doors to invite others in.  We start leading by example rather than by edict as we expect others to do as we do rather than how we tell them to act.  Instead of trying to hide within the filtered darkness of a dirty glass house, take the time to “wash the windows clean” by speaking and acting with integrity.  We all achieve more when we let the light of truth shine brightly within our lives, our words and our actions.  We accomplish much when throwing praise (rather than bricks) and freely giving (rather than seeking) credit for positive things that are done.

PROVIDING PATHWAYS AND PASSAGES TO OTHERS

People face crossroads throughout their lives.  Many stressful situations are caused by unavoidable circumstances within our daily lives.  Within the workplace, personal issues are frequently identified as being a major “cause” of inefficiency and lost time but employers should share the blame for creating crisis in people’s lives.  An optimist might work on helping to create positive choices for others while a pessimist would question whether or not choices actually exist within a life that cannot be controlled.  We each are major contributors to the happiness (or sadness) of others – whether it is due to things that we intentionally (or unintentionally) do (or choose NOT to do).  When dealing with others there are usually two courses of action that will either “make or break you” as a leader, mentor of friend.  Consider the following approaches and think about which better fits into YOUR relationship style (and probably defines the effectiveness of your decisions and the quality of your results) as you provide pathways to others seeking safe passage through life:

1)      I know what I want and expect others to do things the way I want them done.  I should not have to tell others why things need to be done a certain way all the time – it would be so much better for all of us if they just did what I asked without question so that we could all move on to other challenges.

OR...

Knowing what I want is half the battle.  Expressing what I want WITHOUT stifling creativity by saying how to do it is the other half.  People should not be told exactly how to do everything but they MUST be told what outcome is expected and given both the ability to experiment and the freedom to fail if they are to achieve any personal fulfillment from their contribution to successful results (OR if they are expected to contribute in the future).

2)      Others bring experience and professionalism to the table.  I expect them to utilize their skills to identify issues and resolve them, not to ask me the same question over and over just wasting everybody’s time.

OR...

People bring experience and abilities to what they do at work, at home or in relationships.  We must remember that the only “stupid” question is usually the one not asked (because an individual is afraid to bring it up or does not understand enough about what is expected to seek clarifying information).  As soon as I express (or even think) that a question (person or action) is a waste of time I have lost the respect and support of the individual being minimized.  When I focus upon reasonable expectations and never ask an individual to do anything without some form of feedback or direction being provided we will typically accomplish great things together.  Expecting (or allowing) someone to run on their own all the time without direction, encouragement or support is simply encouraging them to run away.

3)      When someone does something wrong they will know it – and if they do not recognize their mistake (and if nobody else is brave enough to do it) I feel it is my responsibility to point it out so that it will not happen again.

OR...

People must receive appropriate praise for (or effective guidance to correct) the things they do and the results they achieve but they must first be fully equipped to contribute and to act before they can be held individually accountable for their actions.  Expecting others to “self-discover” their value and “self-reward” their worth discourages active engagement and interactive sharing – two critical factors in the development of good relationships and productive teams.  Expecting good decisions without providing guidance and decision-making tools is like thinking that a baby will walk the day he or she is born – a wishful hope but without foundation.

4)      I worry enough about myself and what my tomorrow looks like – I really cannot take the time to worry about others or put my problems on their plate – I must be “an island” to show strength if I am to be respected in my relationships.

OR...

Worrying about myself is a prudent thing BUT it should not come at the expense of being concerned for others.  Sharing appropriate personal concerns or worries is not necessarily a bad thing or a sign of weakness.  While supporting others cannot easily be done from a position of weakness, it can often be most easily accomplished by engaging all interested parties to come up with the best solution that can be actively supported and advanced rather than trying to impose the ONLY solution that I KNOW is right before moving forward.  Unless (and until) others recognize that their worries and concerns are just as important to me as are my own they will remain a part of the problem rather than a contributor to the solution.

5)      In order to be successful in a relationship I must first be successful myself.  Once I fully accomplish what needs to be done and I am comfortable in my life, THEN I can take the time to share with others and we will all be happier.

OR...

It is good to seek success and demonstrate accomplishment BUT not at the expense of those who rely upon me for physical, emotional or silent support.  Gaining the world but losing my place within it is a travesty rather than a success.  Helping others to discover their role in our mutually safe passage is a parallel path rather than a cumulative journey – I must work with others to bring them alongside me rather than finishing what I feel necessary before focusing upon their needs, wants or desires.  In order to provide others direction, support and pathways to success I must learn to live and thrive within the world in which we all live (rather than simply operating within my own world or expecting them to live fully and without question within theirs) or we could find that when all is said and done we may have achieved our objectives only to find that we have built a lonely place within which we have nobody but ourselves to share our accomplishments.

Sometimes a “definite maybe” or even a “let me get back to you” is the best way to build relationships and successfully work with people – but we must ALWAYS take time to make time for others within our busy lives.  We can provide safe passage by glancing back while moving forward but should never lead while looking too intently in the rear view mirror or we will miss the critical signs of change ahead.   We can establish effective pathways by reaching out while holding back – seeking the input and thoughts of others then considering their value and intentionally discarding (or actively incorporating) them into the formation of a mutually acceptable direction rather than mandating our opinions or solutions as being the “only way.”  We lead by moving ahead slowly enough that others are able to follow – continually moving forward even if we might fall back briefly, intentionally allowing others to contribute, participate and become a big part of any solution rather than seeking to prove how smart or intelligent we might be and how little we feel the need for anyone else’s opinion or input.  Effective relationships of any type involve creating pathways that are clearly defined and closely monitored to ensure safe passage RATHER THAN being tracks that cannot be altered or roads that run only one way. 

For those seeking to learn more about leadership and relationships, check out PATHWAYS AND PASSAGES TO LEADERSHIP – a collection of thoughts for those willing to dream the impossible while seeking the improbable...to settle for nothing less than what could be from life rather than accepting what currently is – that was published several years ago and is available from Amazon at https://www.amazon.com/Pathways-Passages-Leadership-David-Smith/dp/1524601721.

CELEBRATING INDIVIDUAL CONTRIBUTIONS TOWARDS THE ACCOMPLISHMENTS OF A GROUP

In a world too often filled with “appealing to the majority” and “elevating the whole rather than recognizing its parts,” rewards for “pulling yourself up by the bootstraps” have been minimized – a sad testimony that the voice of the individual has succumbed to the shouts of the masses.  We were recently able to celebrate the birth of our country but in a manner much different than ever before – in a world of “social distancing” and equity sensitivity...of an awareness of what “others do not have” rather than of what was sacrificed by all to create our country and a focus upon what we do not have rather than focusing upon what must be done to allow each to accomplish things individually (rather than providing the results of effort without building sustainability).

 

Our country – formed by a dream of individuality which (though not perfect) still provides greater opportunity for individual success than does any other country in the world.  While equality would be nice in a “perfect world,” all individuals are different – having different skills, abilities, knowledge, experience and upbringing.  Equity (the ability of each to rise because of their individual gifts and abilities – to not be held back because of another’s inability to or disinterest in contributing) still tends to drive the success of our country – attracting and retaining talented individuals that can become co-partners in our accomplishments, their “reward” being the alignment of their “contributions” in life, work and/or relationships to the results they are able to achieve.

Business leaders have the ability to leverage the talents of others – bringing together diverse thoughts, abilities and cultures – to generate success by focusing individual strengths into a common good to accomplish a single goal.  Coaches have the ability to maximize the contributions of individuals – highlighting what they can contribute while compensating for their weaknesses – in order to win.  Politicians are able to motivate the majority – identifying and speaking to the needs of a diverse electorate – as they seek to attract a majority of electors as they talk about (and hopefully carry out if elected) their Party platform.  Teachers must bring enough of the class to an acceptable level of proficiency so that test scores reflect grade-level expectations (BUT far too few carry “the gifted” to their full potential because they are too busy bringing up those not yet meeting standards to reward those exceeding them).  There are many examples of how effective teams or groups of people are when properly aligned BUT in many of those accounts we often lose the power of one...of the individual willing to risk more than others feel comfortable considering in order to achieve more than others might even imagine (let alone expect).  While “the power of team” is an important component within today’s world, the “power of the individual” is far more critical.  Teams carry the burden but individuals often identify the path upon which they must travel.  A group can work together to find or enact a workable solution but an individual often identifies the problem and offers alternatives to its resolution.  A team can win a war but victory would not be possible were it not for a multitude of individual “wins” and a similar number of individual “losses.”

 

It is refreshing to land upon an island of individuality when sailing the seas of mediocrity – to find a land that acknowledges and rewards the achievements of dedicated individuals facing insurmountable odds rather than making excuses for their failure to compete or shifting the blame to others should outcomes not be as expected.  Most life situations that are eventually resolved focus upon an ideal we once held true – that hard work and dedication will pay off in the end.  We see the dreams and aspirations of individuals either brought to fruition OR dashed upon a rocky shore – either celebrated in victory or shattered beyond all recognition – either initiating additional hard work to “repeat the victory” or “snatch victory from the jaws of defeat” next time around.  Only an individual can take full accountability for his or her actions to produce significant results – which is often far more difficult to do than to hide behind the mask of a group and find anonymity within the safety of numbers.

In order to celebrate the individual we must refuse to believe that another person (group or team) is responsible for our success.  Every individual makes a conscious decision using their mind and will to apply their unique talents and abilities towards identifying and enacting a solution OR letting their talents lie dormant (allowing themselves to become more a part of the ongoing problem).  Within a team, a group or a relationship, refuse to accept the concept that you must give more just because you can – that you must always “do for others” rather than teaching them how to “do for themselves.”  We are a society founded not upon “from each according to their ability, to each according to their need” but rather upon “TO each according to their ability (and their dedicated efforts to contribute) in order to meet their individual needs.”

   

Celebrate individuality – immerse yourself in the results of your personal accomplishments as you advance the team (group or relationship) RATHER THAN seeking first the acceptance of the team without acknowledging your contribution to its growth and success.  In order to BE SPECIAL we must ACCEPT OURSELVES as being unique, individual, capable and accomplished.  We must recognize that being an individual can be a good thing (rather than a “squeaky wheel” seeking grease).  We must celebrate our capabilities – the individual strengths that we have developed and the person that we have become – if we are to become an equal and contributing part of the solution (team or relationship) rather than a major part of the problem (obstacle or disruption).

 

It is good to belong to a unique and talented group of people (or a close personal relationship) that can accomplish great things through the power of many (or of two).  We will be able to accomplish so much more, however, when we acknowledge that our individual contribution helps to create the outcome rather than allowing the outcome to define us.  Celebrate yourself and your capabilities (perhaps more than ever during these “troubled waters” in which we currently live) – for “If not now, when? If not you, who?” Exercise the individuality within you to advance your teams, your relationships AND yourself to become all that you were meant to be.  Fully develop and use the gifts and abilities you were given then freely celebrate the unique and special person you are (within a world of teams, groups and relationships needing humble individual contributors to accomplish the best possible outcome for all).

DO NOT LOSE THE POWER OF RELATIONSHIP IN THE SHROUD OF SOCIAL DISTANCE

We need others in our lives to challenge, validate and support our direction, decisions and aspirations.  While most of us are able to move forward through much of life on our own, we can find encouragement to keep moving when we might prefer to rest if others are walking beside us along the way.  Before we can expect others to accept us, however – to care enough about us to invest their time in making us better – we must first accept ourselves as we are.  We must also accept others as they are (rather than as we think they could or should be) if we hope to gain from their abilities or benefit from their strengths. 

The first step in accepting ourselves is to discover our own potential – then to fully assimilate the reality of all we are (as well as all we could be) into every aspect of our lives – before we should expect another to see value or worth in us.  We must identify our individual strengths and weaknesses, realizing the role that each plays both in our development AND to our detriment, then apply the positives while addressing and correcting (or recognizing the need for and seeking the help of others to correct) the negatives.  Unless (and until) we embrace the positives in ourselves we should not anticipate that others will recognize them – nor should we expect another to “fix” us and eliminate our shortcomings without first discovering them ourselves.  We must first “find” ourselves before reaching out to others if we wish to grow beyond who and what we are to become who and what we are yet to become.

Far too often when we look for weaknesses, assign fault, or emphasize failure we tend to focus more on what “was not done or done wrong” by others than we celebrate success.  We often attempt to change behavior by identifying deficiencies that need altering (thereby becoming important as the identifier and “fixer” of another’s problems) rather than by encouraging the “cloning” of healthy behaviors that tend to breed success.  It is easier to live within our own bubble than it is to open the bubble to others – inviting them in to learn how to fix themselves – than it is to simply fix things ourselves for others and move on.  People acknowledging only their strengths often enter relationships to “fix” those around them – never fully exposing themselves to the scrutiny that true friendship brings.  Those that limit themselves by accepting shortcomings as ceilings that cannot be overcome rather than floors from which to build often seek friendships that mask their deficiencies as they elevate themselves above their “inferior” friends – making themselves feel better than others by tearing them down rather than by making an intentional effort to raise others up. 

Some people set low expectations to avoid ever being disappointed (they may never fail BUT will most likely never truly win, either).  What kind of a meaningful relationship could develop from the premise that what “is” will never change – that wherever a relationship began is as far as it will ever go?  A relationship serves no valuable purpose if the melding of beliefs, values, ideals and accomplishments advances one individual more that it enhances the other – or the group to which individuals might belong.  Successful relationships usually begin with friendship and mutual respect.  Friendship can eventually develop over time if individuals or groups are able to keep an open mind but rarely can a two-way relationship evolve over time if one party is always giving while another is always taking.  Life on an island becomes symbiotic...those sharing the positives and repairing the negatives will help each other grow.  Should one or the other be expected to do all the work while both consistently benefit from the singular effort, both parties will eventually struggle (or die).  If one can benefit from the input of another, think how much more could be accomplished should several come together to openly share thoughts and ideas without fear of reprisal as they seek to advance the interests of the whole. 

Dreams are the destinations found at the end of the roads we choose to follow.  If we set no expectations – fearing the pain of failure more than we anticipate the rewards of success – we may survive but will rarely thrive.  Those using failure as a springboard towards implementing a solution will likely succeed while those resting upon failure – accepting it as a “new normal” rather than a place from which to grow – will likely find more frustration and dissatisfaction in their lives because they do not (and cannot) reach heights that have not been intentionally established.  In order to assimilate dreams into daily relationships we must ALWAYS believe that the “light at the end of a tunnel” is a door opening to opportunity not yet realized rather than a train heading towards us on a collision course.  We must fully understand the resources that we have upon our island before we include others BUT should never limit our potential be believing that “all we have is all we are” or “we can become anything that we wish to be (without help and guidance/assistance from others).”

Relationships are the foundation upon which life’s accomplishments are constructed.  A relationship becomes successful when “we” becomes a given rather than “me” being the rule.  While one thinks he (or she) is an island, life cannot be fully experienced or appreciated.  Until we fully accept the reality that to live we must share life – and that we are only as strong individually as the relationships we find important or the group of close friends and confidantes that support and surround us – will we be able to risk more than others think is safe, care more than others think is wise, dream more than others think is practical and expect more than others think is possible.  During these uncertain times and forced isolation remember that anything taken to extremes can be either a positive or a detriment to life – be kind and focus on staying safe BUT be practical when choosing to be alone, be in the close company of another or to enjoy a small group.  NEVER lose the power of relationship while socially distancing yourself from others to remain healthy – we need more than the support that can be provided through virtual friendships and more than the challenging and tempering of our ideas that can be shown through text messages or electronic communications in order to thrive.