OUR WORDS ARE OFTEN HEARD AS WHISPERS WHILE OUR ACTIONS BECOME DEAFENING ROARS

It is hard to convince others that something is wrong (EVEN IF you tell them not to and talk about the dire consequences their actions may bring) when they see you doing something similar (“Do as I say, not as I do” is not a precursor to credibility and respect).  How can you expect employees that work for you to adhere to an “eight to five” schedule if your own day frequently begins at eight fifteen or ends at four thirty?  (Forget about the fact that you might have been doing company business the previous night, or that lunch was more of a thought than an action, or that breaks are not part of the daily routine.)  People SEEING you come to work late or WATCHING you leave early – or seeing you take an hour and a half lunch tend to assume the same casual attitude themselves.  Parents tell their children to obey the rules (as they break the speed limit driving them somewhere) and to listen to their teachers (as they complain about their boss who “does not know anything”).  We want others to treat us with respect (while we actively dis-respect elected officials or people who think differently than we do) and to look up to leadership (while we look down upon those we lead).  We want those we care about to listen to our ideas (while we close our minds to their suggestions and ideas) and to share (when our actions say we would be happy to give if we were sure we would receive back in return). 

While people often try to speak with confidence – trying to be straightforward in what they say (whether they feel convicted or not) – we all, in varying degrees based on our position, our relationship or our visibility, live in glass houses having no shades or way to hide what we do "inside" from those looking at us from "the outside."  No matter how much we try to control our conversation so others hear only what we want them to hear, they will look into our "house" through its many open windows to see how we truly act (rather than listening only to what we say). Since the truth we live (the observable and often silent reality we demonstrate through our actions) is louder than the tales we tell, some observations for living in a glass house might include:

           

           Our actions speak far more loudly than do our words.  Others may hear what we say but they see what we do.  As a child I was taught that “seeing is believing” but never was I told that “hearing makes things right.”  Whether you deal with people as a manager, a peer, a friend, or as part of a family, those around you establish their perception of you – their beliefs, values, understanding and respect (or lack of it) – by what you do and how you act (either in a crowd OR alone when you think nobody is watching) rather than by the things you say (about yourself or the way you wish to be seen).  To be viewed as credible you must ACT incredibly.

           Look for the good in others rather than ALWAYS identifying (and correcting) the bad.   Most people can see what others do wrong (and are quick to point those shortcomings out) but rarely recognize or acknowledge what they do right.  A stressed parent rarely tells their child that he or she is “being a good shopper” when rushing through the store, but the pleas of “NO!” or, “just wait until we get home...” or, “I am never bringing you to the store again!” can be heard throughout a busy store.  Though we need to confront negative behavior if it is to be corrected, we should also make an effort to acknowledge and verbalize appreciation for things done well.  We must also model the behavior we want (or wish to have happen) by doing it the things that we ask others to do ourselves (rather than holding ourselves above the laws that apply to others).

           Never throw bricks when you live in a glass house.  Though you may open the window before tossing your criticism out at a friend or co-worker, they rarely take the time to open the door before returning fire.  Many people defend their inappropriate actions by shifting focus and blame – deferring their own “wrong” by positioning it as being “less serious” than the misstep of another – rather than admitting to the mistake and taking intentional action to correct it (and resolve any negative consequences that it may have put into motion).  When we view life as if we were living in a glass house – with our actions, thoughts and intentions fully revealed and exposed to those around us leaving no place to hide our own errors and secrets – we find ourselves more understanding of the shortcomings of others, the reasons they might (or might not) do things, and less apt to see fault without first making sure we are without blame ourselves.

           Judge yourself first using the same standards you apply to others.  The greatest leaders of our times would never ask others to do what they would not do themselves.  Strong relationships are built upon the backs (and shoulders) of individuals putting the needs, feelings and desires of OTHERS in front of their own.  Truly great generals led their troops into battle rather than following them from behind.  Parents must “walk the talk” for their children.  Managers cannot expect full productivity, efficiency and dedication to the organization without first giving it themselves.  Friends must first BE a friend before they can EXPECT to have friends. 

           Focus on results or specific actions that could have contributed to undesired results when addressing individual inadequacies rather than the person who created the problem or failed to produce the result.  It is far easier to change results by providing an alternative pathway than it is to modify behavior by telling someone what you do not like and what did not work.  Judge yourself by identifying your role within the relationship or your contribution to the situation – your own action (or inaction) that may have been partially responsible for the shortcoming – before judging others.

When we live as though we are in a glass house without shades or curtains to hide what we are we begin to focus on what we should be doing rather than on what others should not be doing.  We open not only windows to look out but also doors to invite others in.  We start leading by example rather than by edict as we expect others to do as we do rather than how we tell them to act.  Instead of trying to hide within the filtered darkness of a dirty glass house, take the time to “wash the windows clean” by speaking and acting with integrity.  We all achieve more when we let the light of truth shine brightly within our lives, our words and our actions.  We accomplish much when throwing praise (rather than bricks) and freely giving (rather than seeking) credit for positive things that are done.