WHAT YOU DO (NOT WHAT YOU SAY) DEFINES WHO YOU ARE

It is hard to convince others to NOT do something when they see you doing or saying them (“Do as I say, not as I do” is not an initiator of credibility and respect).  How can you expect your employees to adhere to an “eight to five” schedule if your own day frequently begins at eight fifteen and ends at four thirty (with an hour and a half lunch sandwiched in between)? Forget about the fact that you might have been doing company business the previous night, or that lunch was a Board Meeting rather than an eating retreat, or that breaks are not part of the daily routine – people SEEING you come to work late or WATCHING you leave early assume the same casual attitude themselves. Parents tell their children to obey the rules (as they break the speed limit driving them somewhere), to listen to and respect their teachers (as they complain about their boss who “does not know anything”), and to take time to enjoy life (when they are too busy doing their own thing to play catch in the yard). We want others to treat us with respect while we dis-respect them, to look up to our leadership while we look down upon those we lead and to listen to our ideas while we close our minds to the suggestions and ideas of those we want to hear our words of wisdom. Relationships can be either give or take…but we SHOULD be willing to give more than we take if we wish to receive more than we anticipate in return. While people cannot be perfect, we should try to live our lives as if we lived in glass houses (without blinds or reflective coverings) where we cannot hide our actions, intentions, or attitudes behind closed doors and windows. Since truth speaks louder than the tales we tell and is more demonstrative than the actions we initiate to mask the intent and hide the reality of who we truly are, some rules for living in a glass house would include: 

1)                  Our actions speak far more loudly than do our words. People may hear what we say but when they see what we do their impressions of us are formed by the reality of action rather than the myth of words. As a child I was taught that “seeing is believing.”  Never was I told that “simply saying anything makes it right.” Whether you deal with people as a manager, a peer, a friend, a part of a family or within a relationship, those around you establish their perception of you – your beliefs, values, understanding and respect – by what you do and how you act rather than by the things you say about yourself. To be viewed as credible you must ACT incredibly.

2)                  Look for the good in others rather than identifying (and CONSTANTLY correcting) the bad. People usually see what others do wrong, rarely recognizing or acknowledging what they might do right. Rarely does a stressed parent tell their child that he or she is being “a good shopper” when rushing through the store, but the pleas of, “Do not touch,” “Wait until we get home,” and “You will NEVER come to the store again!” can be heard continuously. Though we need to confront negative behavior – if is to be corrected we should also make an effort to acknowledge and verbalize appreciation for things done well – modeling the behavior by saying what we do (or wish to have happen) then doing it ourselves (rather than holding ourselves above the laws that apply to others). Relationships cannot endure when they are built upon a foundation of “how can we correct YOUR behavior rather than one of mutual respect and understanding. To thrive in any relationship (personal, family, work, or community) we must start with a discussed and agreed upon premise that all interested parties can work towards together – contributing equitably towards a resolution (as all may not contribute equally at all times) but welcoming changing contributions as individual strengths and experiences are recognized and leveraged.

3)                  Never throw bricks when you live in a glass house. Though you may open the window before tossing your criticism out at a friend or co-worker, they rarely take the time to open the door before returning fire. People often defend their inappropriate actions by shifting focus and/or blame – by deferring their own “wrong” by positioning it as being “less serious” than the misstep of another or by avoiding “ownership” by shifting blame – rather than admitting to the mistake and taking intentional action to correct it (and resolve any repercussions that the misjudgment or error may have initiated). When we live life as though our actions, thoughts and intentions are always fully revealed and exposed to those around us, it leaves us with no place to hide our own errors and secrets so we tend to be more understanding of the shortcomings of others – the reasons they might (or might not) do things – and less apt to see fault in them without first making sure that we are without fault ourselves.

4)                  Judge yourself first using the same standards you apply to others. The greatest leaders of our times would never ask others to do what they would not do themselves. Truly great generals lead their troops into battle rather than following them from behind. Parents try desperately to “walk the talk” for their children rather than expecting them to grow and develop in ways they see from their peers or life in general. Managers cannot expect full productivity, efficiency, and dedication to the organization without first giving it themselves.

5)                  Focus on specific actions that could have contributed to undesired results when addressing individual inadequacies rather than the person who created the problem or failed to produce. It is far easier to change results by providing an alternative pathway than it is to modify behavior by telling someone what you do not like (rather than explaining why a different behavior might be better). Before working to correct or modify another, however, judge yourself by identifying your role or contribution to the problem – your own action (or inaction) that may have been partially responsible for the shortcoming – before judging, correcting or disciplining others. 

When we live as though we are in a glass house, we begin to focus on what we should be doing rather than on what others should not be doing. We open not only windows to look out but also doors to invite others in. We start leading by example rather than by edict as we expect others to do what needs to be done rather than how we tell them to act. Instead of trying to hide within the filtered darkness of a dirty glass house, take the time to “wash the windows clean” by speaking and acting with integrity. We all achieve more when we let the light of truth shine brightly within our lives, our words, and our actions. We accomplish much when throwing praise (rather than bricks) and freely giving (rather than seeking) credit for positive things that are done. 

STEPPING BEYOND THE BOUNDARIES OF THE PAST AND THE CONFINES OF THE PRESENT…

 

What forms a boundary for you? Is it your life experience? Things you did (or did not do) as a child? Your respect for the way things have always been or your desire to alienate yourself from those things that negatively impacted your youth…your life…your current existence? Your hesitancy to abandon the comfort you feel in predictability whether you like where you are or not…or your fear of the unknown that accompanies each potential new reality? The future can be either something to which an individual aspires – an adventure not yet fully discovered or a destination not yet fully revealed – OR it can be an escape from one’s present reality – something that is but a place to go when one runs from their past – an unplanned and unpredictable landing zone that will always be viewed as “being better than what was” rather than “a place in which I want to be.” How the future is viewed will ALWAYS determine what it holds but before it can become anything more than a distant dream, we must plan and take intentional actions that cause us to move from where we are to a different destination rather than simply run away from an undesirable situation towards an accidental environment.

Perhaps the time has come for you to overcome your limitations – regardless of what helped to define them. We often choose to move slowly in order to test the waters before plunging headlong into a different reality BUT sometimes we allow our fear of the unknown OR our complacency with what we know to control not only the speed with which we move forward but also the likelihood that we will move at all. Should you prefer not to blow out the walls that surround you – to leave forever what has been holding you back as you look forward towards what could be a life filled with new opportunities – perhaps you could at least open the windows and doors wide enough to escape the room that stifles your every move and keeps you from becoming all that you could be. Unfortunately, many find so much comfort in what has been they refuse to begin the journey towards the discovery of things not yet considered. Tradition, history, and comfort is good, yet it can inhibit our growth and throttle our progress if we allow the past to define (and limit) our lives. We should cherish all we have done, all the friends we have made and the differences we have made in the lives of those around us BUT if we continually seek new and better ways to do things – actions and activities that may define a different path as we move forward into a new and untested reality – we may see how we can help to define what we might yet to become. If we recognize and acknowledge several “truths” about our past, we should be “released” to better move forward in life: 

• HISTORY IS BUT ONE BASIS FOR YOUR ACTIONS. Where we are and what we have done should never become the destination we seek but rather a firm foundation from which we may begin our journey. Far too many individuals mask their fear of advancing beyond their present reality – and some even to face the unacceptable reality of their present situation – by hiding themselves within the comfort or “sameness” of their past – the predictability (whether enjoyed, wanted or cherished) often being “the devil they know” which is considered to be a better alternative than “the one they do not yet know.”  Holding on to the past is not a bad thing but when holding on causes you to hold back – when what we have done or accomplished becomes our goal to perceive rather than the historical perspective from which we find our strength – we may never become more tomorrow than we are today. 
• WHEN ONE TAKES MORE PRIDE IN WHERE THEY COME FROM (whether it be national origin, gender, race, education, experience, or religion) than in where they are going, they can disconnect from their reality and fail to contribute to its sustainability. When one holds so tightly onto the past that there is little ability (or desire) to move beyond the present – that their expectation is one of accommodation and acquiescence rather than assimilation and growth – then accomplishments, traditions, heritage, or upbringing becomes a millstone around their neck rather than an encourager of potential. 
• WHEN ONE THINKS OF WHO THEY ARE AND LEVERAGES WHERE THEY COME FROM, expecting to contribute far more than they would ever hope to be given…when they share more that they could ever hope to receive – they have stepped beyond the boundaries of traditional pride and entitlement as they begin to live life looking ahead rather than dwelling in the past. We must continually give of ourselves in order to gain – recognizing (but never expecting) another to build us up as we help to construct others – in order to expand our sense of past into a hope for tomorrow. 

Accomplishments, traditions, and thoughts of the past are the “glue” that hold our lives together – the framework upon which we build our future. Striking a balance between where we came from, who we are, what we have accomplished AND what we wish to become when we step away from our “present” into our “potential” will help us move from what once was through what now is to what might possibly be. Remember your past – your traditions and heritage – but do not allow them to prevent you from moving forward. Let go of what you feel is earned, comfortable, proven (and to which you feel entitled) as you make your way into a world not yet imagined and you will be able to cross the boundaries that hold you back as you enter into a whole new realm of possibilities. Perhaps the greatest truth in moving forward is that we should never run to what we want but rather from what we do not want for unless we choose to initiate change (rather than simply running from something that may be undesirable) we will never realize when we have reached our destination nor recognize that we have achieved what we want (or need).

BE YOURSELF IN LIFE – IT IS TOO HARD TO BE SOMEONE ELSE…

How might the world be different if transparency truly replaced the guarded face we typically present when interacting with others? If we were to transform the tolerance we often painfully exhibit when others are “not like us” into unconditional acceptance, would the world become a better place? If we could be more comfortable with who we are – readily exhibiting our strengths, acknowledging our shortcomings, and intentionally acting to bring about positive change – might we more readily embrace the similarities and accept differences of those around us?

Accepting “who we are” does not imply we do not need to change. An individual is not a static point within a sedentary world. Rather, life “happens,” and we must anticipate, respond, and reply to the challenges it presents. Being “who you are” today does not mean you should be the same tomorrow – nor does it assume you are the same today as you were yesterday. We must accept our skills, abilities, values, ethics, standards, and persona as they were yesterday – enhancing and improving upon them today – so we can build upon them as we move towards a better tomorrow – using all that we once were and all that we presently are as a springboard to that which is to come rather. Success does not come from doing what has always been done in the way that it was previously done (without change, challenge or thought) but from viewing all that has been as a harbinger of things yet to come – a precursor to excellence rather than a destination or an epitome of all things thought possible.

To become all that we can be we must first accept all that we are so we can move beyond the boundaries created by our present reality into the unlimited realm of future possibility. We cannot fulfill our potential when we are so busy immersing ourselves in the accomplishments of others that we have no time to enjoy (or even identify) our own successes. Celebrate the progress you have made with the gifts you have been given rather than dwelling upon the things you do not have or have yet to (and possibly never will) accomplish. Rather than worrying about the things you cannot yet do or the ideas you have yet to express, embrace the things you have done and the value of the thoughts you routinely bring to fruition. We must recognize “what is” while moving towards “what could be” AFTER considering “what has been” and examining what has worked (and what has failed) in the past if we are to truly make a difference in this world. We must force ourselves to take two steps forward for each one we slip back – knowing it is not what we have nor what we have done that makes us different, but rather what we have yet to do and what we have not yet accomplished. While all things are possible, some things take a bit longer to accomplish than others.

Successful individuals tend to achieve great things with and through others – gaining satisfaction from celebrating he accomplishments of others rather than seeking recognition and acknowledgement for their own thoughts or actions. Few respected individuals make decisions based solely upon what is best for themselves or their own future. When we spend too much time tracking who is doing what (wrong) that we cannot assign proper credit for everything that is done well we end up taking more time validating results than initiating or performing actions necessary to make things happen.

What you do is a greater indicator of who you are than anything you will ever say. If you do not “do what you say and say what you do,” however, you will probably never completely fulfill your potential. If you try to live within the image of another or hide within their shadows, a misspoken word or unintended action will eventually reveal your true self as being different from what you project yourself to be. It is best to be yourself in all you say and do because until (and unless) we allow others to view us as we are – to see the value we bring rather than allowing our contributions to be limited by what we might think they expect – we will not realize our true significance.

We should accept that all things are possible while recognizing some are not yet feasible. Refuse to be content with your position in life, however, continuously seeking those things not yet realized while moving towards new avenues not yet explored. When we begin to identify and fulfill our own potential, we find that “being ourselves” is not such a bad thing – which is good – because anyone else we might wish to become has already been taken.

THE KEY TO STRONG RELATIONSHIPS – GIVE MORE THAN EXPECTED (OR ANTICIPATED) TO RECEIVE IN RETURN

One cannot do ONLY what is anticipated or expected if one wishes to gain as much from a relationship (business, personal or professional) as one could possibly enjoy without first giving more than we might ever wish to receive in return. We can never hope to receive more than we personally contribute to any situation, relationship, or solution. Looking back (finding comfort in what once was rather than seeking it in what has not yet materialized), remaining content within the present (rather than using the present as a springboard to the future), giving what is expected (rather than what you might want if you were the other person) and doing only what works (as opposed to seeking what might work better) are all signs of relationship stagnation. In order to assure that life-changing relationships are being developed AND maintained, we should strive to: 

·     Seek what COULD be done rather than doing what MUST be done. No relationship ever grows to a meaningful or “state of oneness” without putting another’s wants, needs, and desires first. When we do all that the other expects…all that would be considered necessary…we are doing no more than anyone else would within the same situation. When seeking to build strong relationships we must go over and above – give more than we might ever anticipate receiving in return – without expectation of any “equal and opposite action” but accepting only the giving as reward enough without needing any gifts in return.

·     Avoid the misguided concept of being irreplaceable. No individual is irreplaceable BUT it should be our aspiration to become helpful, supportive, and available. If an individual feels that nobody could EVER do what he or she does – that they are “the best thing since sliced bread” and that nobody has better insight, information, or knowledge to support or “make another whole,” then that person has probably limited what he or she will ever be able to accomplish, contribute or share. Individuals who believe they are “critical” to another person OR an organization because of their limited and specialized role, ability or presence simply reinforce the stagnation of stifled growth and acceptance of the status quo as individuality is sacrificed at the altar of co-dependence.

·     Quit believing you know all the answers. People who think they know everything tend to talk more than they listen…feel that they are more important than others and (often unknowingly) make sure others know it as well by repeating the same stories of success, importance and “better than anyone else” until people choose not to listen. Knowing how to ask the right questions and bringing others along into conversations to highlight their abilities, successes and strengths are much more valuable (and desirable) than those who try to give all the right answers. One must always be open to new ideas, techniques, and ways of doing things. We can truly contribute to a meaningful relationship ONLY after identifying (and admitting to) our own limitations before focusing on existing processes, practices, systems, and apparent realities by asking questions that identify and isolate deficiencies – then by taking intentional action that defines a new direction and establishes a better destination.

·    ALWAYS give credit to others. Individuals who recognize and acknowledge the ideas and actions of others – rather than taking credit for thoughts that may not be their own – tend to rise more rapidly to the top and find more satisfaction in close relationships. Those taking credit for another’s ideas better like themselves a lot because they may find their once supportive friends will not be around to prop them up in the future when everything is “I knew (or was about to say) that” to every solution that is suggested. When credit is freely given (with accountability being accepted should mistakes occur), people learn from their mistakes (rather than being flogged for making them). Ultimately, the individual initiating the thoughts (with OR without credit), the person allowing their development (into actionable ideas) AND the person performing the action will jointly own the benefits of an idea being allowed to grow and prosper.

A continuous source of water – of ideas – must be available if we wish a pond to become a lake – and an even greater source must exist if we seek to expand a lake into an ocean. We must sometimes build a dam (to provide support or containment of rushing ideas) in order for them to slow down long enough to build and grow. For one to realize “what could be” rather than simply bringing to fruition “what is,” a variety of ideas and abilities must be channeled into a single catch basin rather than being diverted into unrelated tributaries that flow uncontrolled away from the goal. It is only by giving without expectation that we will ever receive without limitation – by helping another far more than they might ever be able to return the help – that one is able to build and maintain strong relationships. When we feel most important in a relationship we typically are – to ourselves – but not to others. It is only when we give without ceasing…when we share beyond all reasonable expectation…when we find joy in the glow within another’s eyes rather than needing to feel joy because of another’s actions…will we be able to become one with another for only when we give freely and fully of ourselves will there be room within to accept the giving of another.

LOOKING (AND LIVING) FORWARD RATHER THAN DWELLING (AND HIDING) IN THE PAST

Many people live within the memories of their past, dwelling in thoughts of the safe places that bring them happiness and security as they live comfortably within a sheltered world of accomplishments. When life is contained within established thoughts and dreams of “what is” and re-enactments of “what has been,” however, we may never realize our full potential. When we drive forward while gazing intently through the rearview mirror, we are able to see clearly where we have been and what we have done but far too often miss where we are going or what we could become (as well as being unable to avoid what might be coming that we cannot see when focusing on what has already been done).

Some dream of what could be, casting off the limitations of “what is” or “what was” in favor of the promise and possibility of what has not yet been considered. They spend more time thinking of how things might be different than they have shown themselves to be…how the established processes that have worked well might be modified and how those that have left much to be desired can be replaced with something new (and potentially untested). They seek the possible rather than the proven and often find satisfaction in the PROCESS of change as much as they do in the RESULTS they attain.

In order to make a difference in our lives (and in the lives of those around us) - to achieve that which was considered improbable (or even impossible) by others – we need but our eyes to see where we are going and our minds to consider changes to where we have been.  We need to cast our vision upon where we want to be…limiting our potential ONLY by the self-imposed barriers placed before us by our inability to act or our unwillingness to stretch (and failure to challenge) accepted boundaries that were established by others. Understanding the cause and purpose of what we see requires our mind to bring to fruition the potential…to bring to reality the dreams that we see within our imagination when we open our eyes to see what CAN be done rather than focusing upon what HAS been done.

While there is comfort in living a life that we know “works” (because it has always worked in the past), there is also danger in driving forward while looking backwards. Focusing upon what has been done (or not done) may help us to fully understand our history…to dwell within and gain from our successes as we marvel upon our accomplishments…but we cannot anticipate the changing road in front of us nor the pitfalls (OR possibilities) that might lie ahead. When we live in the present and find comfort in the past (in who and what we have established ourselves to be), we may be successful and accomplish all others ask or expect of us BUT will rarely achieve MORE than the “minimum” or truly fulfill our potential (as we become content to “merely” fully demonstrating our proven abilities). If we wish to realize our own desires and live out our own dreams, we must look forward more than backwards…seek what has yet to come (AND how we will get there) rather than finding comfort in what has already been…as we move intentionally (and relentlessly) ahead towards “worlds unknown” and destinations not yet imagined.

The rearview mirror does have value. It reminds us of what we can do…of what can be accomplished…of the recognition we have been given because of the way we led others to grow and meet the expectations of those around them…of the things that provide us both pleasure (that we can replicate) and pain (that we can avoid). Our dreams, however – that can be seen only when we look forward rather than backwards – provide an indication of what has yet to come – leading us to places not yet realized from which we can either expand our horizons OR pick ourselves up after we have fallen, seeking what could be possible while learning from our failures as we achieve new and different realities. All things that have already been accomplished were once dreams that were brought to fruition through the efforts and abilities we possess…that we leveraged to our benefit and advantage. To stop dreaming, however, means to accept what has been done as all that could possibly be accomplished…to virtually draw a line in the sand that we refuse to cross for fear of what might be on the other side.

If we are content to live wholly within “today’s world” we may be able to test established limitations and expand upon existing practices in order to achieve more others thought probable while accomplishing all that might be expected of us by another. If one ceases to dream, can he or she continue to grow? Should one be content to live in the past…to talk about all that was done and all that resulted from their actions…can one truly even continue to exist as anything but an empty shell or a hollow seed pod drifting uncontrollably upon the wind? There are many people in the world willing and content to be who and what they are…to please and satisfy others by doing what is asked of them, escaping to the comfort (or familiarity) of their residence in the company of those they enjoy (or sometimes simply tolerate) before returning to do what was asked in the manner that was expected, repeating the cycle and receiving the same results through repetitively similar efforts.

There are others, however, that will do what is expected while expanding the expectations placed upon them because of their need to accomplish what CAN be done (rather than doing only what MUST be done). They seek to add value to the lives of those around them so that all can contribute and grow while finding pleasure and contentment not only in what they have but reaching for what they might wish to achieve and seeking ways to go places they might wish to visit. They remember the past while enjoying the moment but live for what has yet to be realized (or, sometimes, has yet to be considered), receiving desired results through unique activities, independent thoughts, and individual efforts.

When we actively and intentionally work to accomplish much and dream of what more might be done or what other roads might yet be travelled as we look to what might be rather than finding comfort in what is or has been, we can live yesterday’s dreams by bringing them to fruition today…and create tomorrows pathways by dreaming about what may be in our future rather than focusing upon what we have already done…making today’s accomplishments but yesterday’s memories to be built upon as we grow rather than dwelled within as we stagnate.