WHAT YOU DO (NOT WHAT YOU SAY) DEFINES WHO YOU ARE

It is hard to convince others to NOT do something when they see you doing or saying them (“Do as I say, not as I do” is not an initiator of credibility and respect).  How can you expect your employees to adhere to an “eight to five” schedule if your own day frequently begins at eight fifteen and ends at four thirty (with an hour and a half lunch sandwiched in between)? Forget about the fact that you might have been doing company business the previous night, or that lunch was a Board Meeting rather than an eating retreat, or that breaks are not part of the daily routine – people SEEING you come to work late or WATCHING you leave early assume the same casual attitude themselves. Parents tell their children to obey the rules (as they break the speed limit driving them somewhere), to listen to and respect their teachers (as they complain about their boss who “does not know anything”), and to take time to enjoy life (when they are too busy doing their own thing to play catch in the yard). We want others to treat us with respect while we dis-respect them, to look up to our leadership while we look down upon those we lead and to listen to our ideas while we close our minds to the suggestions and ideas of those we want to hear our words of wisdom. Relationships can be either give or take…but we SHOULD be willing to give more than we take if we wish to receive more than we anticipate in return. While people cannot be perfect, we should try to live our lives as if we lived in glass houses (without blinds or reflective coverings) where we cannot hide our actions, intentions, or attitudes behind closed doors and windows. Since truth speaks louder than the tales we tell and is more demonstrative than the actions we initiate to mask the intent and hide the reality of who we truly are, some rules for living in a glass house would include: 

1)                  Our actions speak far more loudly than do our words. People may hear what we say but when they see what we do their impressions of us are formed by the reality of action rather than the myth of words. As a child I was taught that “seeing is believing.”  Never was I told that “simply saying anything makes it right.” Whether you deal with people as a manager, a peer, a friend, a part of a family or within a relationship, those around you establish their perception of you – your beliefs, values, understanding and respect – by what you do and how you act rather than by the things you say about yourself. To be viewed as credible you must ACT incredibly.

2)                  Look for the good in others rather than identifying (and CONSTANTLY correcting) the bad. People usually see what others do wrong, rarely recognizing or acknowledging what they might do right. Rarely does a stressed parent tell their child that he or she is being “a good shopper” when rushing through the store, but the pleas of, “Do not touch,” “Wait until we get home,” and “You will NEVER come to the store again!” can be heard continuously. Though we need to confront negative behavior – if is to be corrected we should also make an effort to acknowledge and verbalize appreciation for things done well – modeling the behavior by saying what we do (or wish to have happen) then doing it ourselves (rather than holding ourselves above the laws that apply to others). Relationships cannot endure when they are built upon a foundation of “how can we correct YOUR behavior rather than one of mutual respect and understanding. To thrive in any relationship (personal, family, work, or community) we must start with a discussed and agreed upon premise that all interested parties can work towards together – contributing equitably towards a resolution (as all may not contribute equally at all times) but welcoming changing contributions as individual strengths and experiences are recognized and leveraged.

3)                  Never throw bricks when you live in a glass house. Though you may open the window before tossing your criticism out at a friend or co-worker, they rarely take the time to open the door before returning fire. People often defend their inappropriate actions by shifting focus and/or blame – by deferring their own “wrong” by positioning it as being “less serious” than the misstep of another or by avoiding “ownership” by shifting blame – rather than admitting to the mistake and taking intentional action to correct it (and resolve any repercussions that the misjudgment or error may have initiated). When we live life as though our actions, thoughts and intentions are always fully revealed and exposed to those around us, it leaves us with no place to hide our own errors and secrets so we tend to be more understanding of the shortcomings of others – the reasons they might (or might not) do things – and less apt to see fault in them without first making sure that we are without fault ourselves.

4)                  Judge yourself first using the same standards you apply to others. The greatest leaders of our times would never ask others to do what they would not do themselves. Truly great generals lead their troops into battle rather than following them from behind. Parents try desperately to “walk the talk” for their children rather than expecting them to grow and develop in ways they see from their peers or life in general. Managers cannot expect full productivity, efficiency, and dedication to the organization without first giving it themselves.

5)                  Focus on specific actions that could have contributed to undesired results when addressing individual inadequacies rather than the person who created the problem or failed to produce. It is far easier to change results by providing an alternative pathway than it is to modify behavior by telling someone what you do not like (rather than explaining why a different behavior might be better). Before working to correct or modify another, however, judge yourself by identifying your role or contribution to the problem – your own action (or inaction) that may have been partially responsible for the shortcoming – before judging, correcting or disciplining others. 

When we live as though we are in a glass house, we begin to focus on what we should be doing rather than on what others should not be doing. We open not only windows to look out but also doors to invite others in. We start leading by example rather than by edict as we expect others to do what needs to be done rather than how we tell them to act. Instead of trying to hide within the filtered darkness of a dirty glass house, take the time to “wash the windows clean” by speaking and acting with integrity. We all achieve more when we let the light of truth shine brightly within our lives, our words, and our actions. We accomplish much when throwing praise (rather than bricks) and freely giving (rather than seeking) credit for positive things that are done.