WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT OFTEN COMES AFTER THE “BUT…”

Have you ever thought about how much you say in just a couple of words AFTER you agree, compliment or encourage a person when you clarify the comment with the small yet mighty three letter word “but?”  Great idea BUT have you considered…?  Good job BUT if you had done it this way think of how much more you could have accomplished.  SOMETIMES it might be better to simply say that something was not done as you anticipated or even to just forget any kind of half-hearted compliment than it is to give shallow and meaningless praise that is qualified by your own opinion or experience.  When a person comes to you with a suggestion or solution to an issue, do you stop yourself at, “Great work…let me know how it works!” or do you clarify by saying, “Great idea…BUT what about…?”  

Far too often we assume an idea is implemented once it is stated and gravitate to the “what is the next step” phase rather than providing praise and validation for the idea or concept that was developed (and, more importantly, to the person who developed it).  We move to “what is next” without considering that the person initiating the solution has not yet put it into practice so our “it was stated so it must already be done” thinking may be a discouragement.  What we meant as encouragement is often heard as condescension – minimizing the value of their solution by building a tower upon their foundation without acknowledging the work and effort that went into the initial phases of construction.  Recognizing the reality of this flaw does not eliminate it from happening but consciously and intentionally thinking about it can help to slow down our initial responses and truly seek value in the contributions that others can make.

Relationships can suffer unless we be careful about what is said after the “but.”  “That dress looks great on you BUT you should try something in blue.”  What do you think is focused upon – that the dress looks good or that the color is wrong?  “The lawn looks nice BUT what can we do about the weeds?”  Was your work appreciated or did you NOT do something that was perceived to be more critical than what you DID?  Other examples in our “home life” might include: 

“Thanks for helping out with the cleaning BUT you missed a spot.”

“I am really sorry BUT you never listen to me anyway.”

“It has been a great vacation but maybe we can plan for more down time next year.”

“You really did a great job of planning but why did we have to go during my busy time at work?”

Think about what comes AFTER the BUT in these statements...THAT is what people around you hear.  Would you like to build a relationship with someone that focuses on what you did NOT do rather than what you DID?  With someone who deflects responsibility by shifting blame?  With someone that likes to be with you BUT withheld any discussion or comments until the time to share has passed?  What is said after a clarifying extension can be disruptive in a work relationship BUT it can destroy a personal one.

How many times have you complimented an employee, a friend or a family member only to be disappointed they did not seem to pay any attention to the praise you gave them?  What is wrong with them that they do not accept the intent of your words rather than hearing the reservations behind them?  Might you have minimized your compliment with an ill-placed “but?”  Have you been guilty of telling a child, “I am happy you got an 89% on that test BUT you are smarter than that...I know you could have done better had you studied a little more.”  What do you think they heard – that you are happy for what they did OR disappointed that they could have, in your opinion, done better?  That you accept them as they are or that you know they can be smarter “if only” they had done something differently?  If you tell an employee, “Great work today – tomorrow we will do even more!”  What do they REALLY hear – that you thought they did well OR that they should have done better?  What if you tell someone you care about that you appreciate what they are trying to do but that they do not understand so they should not try to get involved?  Saying things without thinking after a “but” can be destructive to one’s authority, respect AND relationships – no “if’s, and’s or but’s about it.”

Acknowledging our tendencies to minimize the efforts of others is a great first step – accepting that those seemingly motivational tendencies could result in more damage to others than they do good and committing to change the way you show acceptance and accept input from others is more important.  As you communicate with others, think about what HAS happened rather than focusing so much on what COULD have happened (or on what has yet to be accomplished).  Give credit and praise rather than extending your comments or compliments with “BUT…,” “WHAT IF…,” or “HAVE YOU CONSIDERED?”  If extensions are needed, address them within a separate conversation RATHER THAN putting them behind a “but…”  Make sure that what is important is heard rather than being lost as insignificant noise – whether at work or in your personal life – as you focus on what really matters to others as well as yourself.

BECOMING WHAT WE WERE MEANT TO BE…

Far too many people try to act like who (or what) they wish they were rather than who they really are...seeking to be something or someone that others might “like better” or who might be more impactful without investing the “sweat equity” required to initiate change and produce transformation.  In order to modify our core beliefs, personality characteristics and learned abilities so that we become who we hope to be, we must see more gain from the change than we feel pain from NOT changing.  People change very little once they have established their basic values, patterns and thought processes.  It is often easier (and more effective) to leverage an individual’s strengths than it is to try to build up their shortcomings.  As Dr. Seuss so aptly proclaimed, "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."  We are who we become because of the choices we make and the roads that we take.  Whether those choices are intentional or we simply accept what others expect us to be and do, our actions shape and mold us into what we become.  Should we wish or hope to be anything different we must consciously decide to move from where we are to where we wish to be as we strive to satisfy and fulfill our own destiny RATHER THAN trying to please another or try to be all that another would have us be (for them rather than for ourselves).  When we seek to realize our full potential to become “all that we can be,” what others think or feel really does not matter for their expectations will change like the wind and only that which is real and anchored within ourselves will survive the storms of life.

Before we can achieve we must identify what needs to be accomplished and visualize the steps we should take to begin our journey – recognizing that the trail we choose may lead us through many detours and dead ends – forcing us to start and stop many times along the way – but will deter us only if we allow ourselves to be distracted by what might seem like the easy way out.  It may be that those who do most, dream most (Stephen Leacock).  We should dream about what we wish to have or accomplish, who we are or might wish to be, and how we expect to make a difference in the lives of others – recognizing how each might differ from our current circumstance.  One must first imagine something as being POSSIBLE before it can become PROBABLE – yet "Dreams take time, patience, sustained effort, and a willingness to fail if they are ever to be anything more than dreams." (Bryan Linkoski).  Dreams can become the destination to which life leads us as long as we give ourselves permission to follow them – to put our own wishes and desires on an equal plain with the expectations that others place upon us.  Those without dreams – without hopes of accomplishing more than they have or having more than they have been given – may live comfortably (and possibly find happiness within the walls that security might provide) but will never achieve greatly and rarely find true joy in life.

While “failure” is not necessarily a desired outcome of change, it is not often fatal.  We must realize that success rarely occurs without failure and that gain does not stand alone without loss.  Robert F. Kennedy said, "Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly."   Individuals who have truly made a difference in this world understand that failure is not the worst thing in they will ever face (and conquer).  Rather, the worst thing is to have failed to try – to not “get up” after being knocked down by life – refusing to push forward through trials for fear of what might be lost rather than looking forward to what might be gained.  Much intentional thought and deliberate action is required to succeed – failure becomes but the path of least persistence should we choose to avoid the pain that so often proceeds gain.  If we are to transform thoughts to reality, the word “impossible” must not be a part of our vocabulary.  While facts, information and well-considered alternatives are frequently the building blocks of change, perhaps Dexter Yeger appropriately described its essence saying, "If the dream is big enough, the facts don't count.”

Life is a series of chapters coming to an end as pages are turned to reveal new beginnings.  Knowing the facts and understanding how to make change happen does not ensure transformation in and of itself, however.  Will Rogers stated, "Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there."  As we seek change in our lives, actions and attitudes we should always consider that we are here to add what we can to life, not to get from it what might be offered.  We cannot hope to be any different unless (and until) we consciously leave what we have or where we are by consciously reaching for what we might want or how we would prefer to live.  Comfort (the coming to terms with who we are and what we can or cannot do) discourages change.  If life were meant to be stagnant we would not have been provided with a mind, a spirit and a free will to exercise the talents and abilities we each possess.  We would have been rooted in place rather than being allowed to wander – finding satisfaction with things as they have always been rather than seeking those possibilities that have not yet materialized.  We would be comfortable and content within “the box” that we accept as our limitation rather than choosing to stand upon it to search for new opportunities, seeking what “could be” rather than accepting “what is.”  Life is limited not by what the world tells us is impossible but rather by what we allow ourselves to believe is possible.

Mark Twain once said "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."  We are not “owed” success – we must identify what it means, seek it without limitation then INTENTIONALLY ACT to make it become reality within our lives.  Think big, act audaciously (without fear of failure) and keep your eyes focused on the prize (even if you begin to slide backwards along the way) as you transform failure’s lessons into success.  While being what another might wish you to be or acting as he or she might want you to act could provide a life of comfort and security – of avoiding conflict and minimizing risk, being true to yourself – seeking to become the most that you can be and settling for nothing less than the happiness you deserve – will ultimately provide joy in your journey and the fulfillment of your true potential.

LIVING BEYOND THE NUMBERS...

While we are not all given the same number of days, we ARE all provided the same number of hours each day.  Some seem to find limitless ways to spend their hours while others invest their limited hours in ways they can spend up to but never beyond their limits.  We are not promised or guaranteed any changes in life other than change itself – nor are we promised any level of greatness, success, achievement, accomplishment (emotional satisfaction, personal gratification...or whatever you choose to seek within this unpredictable world) other than the level we establish USING the talents and gifts we have been provided.

This past year has been one of darkness – one in which far too many individuals have been plucked from this earthly journey to begin the next far sooner than we might have wished or anticipated – often without finishing all they had started (or even before they could start all they had hoped to accomplish).  While we prefer the light of day, it is often the threat (or realization) of darkness that awakens us to the reality of our fragile existence – that makes us recognize our days may be numbered.  Such an unavoidable limitation, however, should not mean that our accomplishments must be diminished, our contributions to life reduced, our personal joy buried or the difference we make in the lives of others put on the shelf for fear of it interrupting our personal “master plan.”  Rather we should work hard to identify our gifts, talents and abilities so that we might be able to fully leverage them as we live the life we want rather than accepting what others might want us to be, how they want us to act and how we might be expected to serve their needs when and how they might dictate.  While life may not be too short to accomplish what we truly plan to do and invest ourselves in accomplishing, it is too short to live our lives as others might expect and demand if such actions negatively impact our ability to be fulfilled within the life we have been given.

How do you use YOUR gift of time?  Are you a productive and contributing part of life’s solutions or a disruptive part of its problems?  Are you a dreamer seeking new roads that have yet to be traveled or one content to rest on the laurels of past success and accomplishment – stifling all desire to identify new horizons?  Are you a seeker of opportunity or an opportunist awaiting the next windfall?  Are you one who seeks pleasure and joy in life or one from whom life seems to suck all pleasure and joy that might come your way?  Do you find yourself constantly doing what you may not want to do in order to avoid conflict or confrontation or are you able to remain true to yourself while you help and assist others?  Our perspective on life will color our reality, establishing the backdrop for all that we are and hope to become.  It will serve as a launch pad from which those we influence are able to move forward.  The longer we live we find that the “falling” in life is not the most significant obstacle we face – rather it is the choice we make of either “getting up” and the “moving on” (or the staying down and awaiting attention) that makes us who we are. 

We tend to fulfill our potential – to establish and maintain control over where we are and what we do – when we intentionally act upon our thoughts or ideas.  We allow ourselves to be controlled by another’s thoughts, ideas, individual desires or unexpected circumstances when we choose NOT to act (either intentionally or inadvertently) to new opportunities or challenges.  Our days ARE numbered – as this past year’s pandemic has clearly and directly pointed out to each of us.  Do not let the way that those days are lived – or the joy you are able to receive from living them to their fullest – be diminished by allowing your life to be lived solely for someone else – for their pleasure and benefit – or you will no longer be able to make the difference (nor experience the joy) that living life to the limits of the days we are given provides.

THE ALPHA PROTOCOL

 

Far too many people think that starting over means going back to the beginning and repeating everything they originally did while expecting different results than those that initiated the “re-do.”  While reviewing the actions or decisions that did not produce anticipated results is an admirable component of any “recovery” effort, perhaps more could be gained by focusing on was NOT ATTEMPTED OR CONSIDERED...what might have been LEFT OUT or OMITTED...then initiating different approaches starting from a new and fresh perspective to achieve improved results.  This method of continuous improvement in life – of establishing ongoing new beginnings to accomplish unexplainable results – can be defined as leveraging the “Alpha Protocol.”

 Alpha represents the beginning...the start...where we must launch our journey before we can hope or expect to reach an end – which would be called the Omega.  Before we can “undo” what has been “done” we must identify what (specifically) did we not like about the direction our journey was going.  Before we can start over, we must identify WHY we do not like where we are (even if we have not yet figured out what we must do differently to alter the direction of our travels) and WHAT we are willing to do to alter the course of our journey.  Did you begin your journey at the request of another – moving in the direction you were pointed using the tools, concepts and pre-conceived beliefs someone else provided – or did you consider where YOU wanted to go before walking down a path upon which (perhaps) nobody had ever wandered?  Did you begin your travels from a clearly defined Alpha then monitor progress towards an Omega OR did you do what felt good at the time and hoped to build upon that foundation to discover greatness?  While one can always improve and grow, if one is relatively comfortable with the “omega” they have landed upon there is no amount of discussion, collusion or convincing that will force the investment of energy needed to create a new “alpha.”

In order for your efforts to culminate in a logical conclusion – an answer in which you can believe and feel comfortable – you must consider where you wish to go, how you hope to get there and what you are willing to invest as you define what you are moving from and why you wish to leave it.  Full implementation of the Alpha Protocol requires that each identified new opportunity...every new path upon which we may travel...begins at a place from which we must move to accomplish anything.  We cannot seek safety or comfort “where we are” if we want to accomplish or enjoy those things that have not yet been achieved.  We must realize (and internalize) there are many paths leading from a starting point to a different destination – and that each stopping point is truly just a place to collect and gather strength prior to seeking the next opportunity not yet revealed.  Each fresh start becomes another new “alpha” from which the next steps originate rather than an “omega” that will stand as complete against the test of time.  If one is comfortable enough to endure the irritations within what they have or more comfortable living in the pain of lost opportunity than they might be in experiencing the potential suffering to which untested beginnings leading to not yet discovered destinations would expose them, then he or she should settle for the satisfaction that might be found in what is rather than living for what could be.  Alpha moments come and go in life – greatness enters the lives of those willing to let go of their bad omegas as they seek new opportunities.  Dissatisfaction, despondency and depression often descend upon those unable or unwilling to identify the need to move on...accepting the miserable life they might have rather than reaching out for something different – accepting all the blame for the way things are rather than opening their eyes (and hearts) to what might be.

When choosing to act by intentionally selecting a course of action after much study, review and discussion, allow your journey to reach a conclusion (even if the “end” is but a rest stop on the road to a final destination) before changing direction prior to allowing your decision to reach a logical conclusion.  There may be many “alpha moments” during the accomplishment of each objective – new beginnings from which opportunity blossoms.  There are truly few “omega moments” in our daily lives as each “end” is but a new beginning on the way to another temporary end (there are very few “finalities” in life – death and taxes being two – while each day dawns with a new beginning before concluding with a resting point allowing us to prepare for another fresh start).  Unless we choose to live our lives as they have always been - expecting (and being satisfied) to receive that which has always been provided - everything we do begins at a place which must necessarily be left behind if we hope to move forward in life. 

Those who accomplish much in life tend to live within their Alpha more frequently than they succumb to their Omega moments.  They see life as a series of new beginnings rather than ends – of fresh starts rather than conclusions.  While accomplishing much, they feel much has yet to be accomplished.  They find peace in the discovery of new moments in which they can live, breathe and grow rather than from resting upon the discoveries they may have made and finding satisfaction within the comfort that accomplishment can falsely provide.  Our omega moments often serve as resting points from which we can recharge, refocus and redirect our efforts before seeking another destination...recognizing them as new alphas from which different experiences blossom rather than as ends that might bring a new beginning to a halt...launching us to move courageously forward rather than being left behind in the safety of our unwanted realities.

LIVING IN A COLORFUL WORLD WITH A BLACK AND WHITE MINDSET...

“Shades of grey” people can find more fulfillment in relative comparisons than in absolute positioning.  While there are several absolutes in this world, more often than not life is a series of subtleties that fall far short of the extremes demanded by a “black and white” perspective.   Far too often people view each situation they might come upon as being either fully and completely “right” or absolutely “wrong” as they apply a rigid set of standards to situations that have not yet fully been fully developed or implemented.  More often than not there is both right and wrong in every situation – parts of everything being both good potentially bad – the differences and applications being established by our experience, our perspective and our values.  When one shuts out the stark reality of black and white – the forced “go/no go” that we often face when operating within an absolute world - he or she can focus more on the possibilities of a situation rather than the reality of a closed door, an impractical possibility or an unconsidered potential.  Far too often we are distracted by the shades and hues of color within a setting or the starkness of either black or white when examining an image so much that we fail to find the soft relationships within the mist or the possibilities hidden on the other side of the fog.  Linking reality to the abstract pictures painted by grey-scaled photographs might be a better way to look at life – seeing things as being muted and shaded rather than sharp and undeniable.

A picture taken by Lake Michigan in winter – seen as a portal to the possible – is one example of focusing upon what might lay beyond what we see rather than seeing but a tunnel through the sand.  When we see but light and darkness rather than color and depth the wonders of the world can be revealed.  We can view an otherwise mundane tunnel through the sand as being our entrance into the vast horizons of opportunity.  Once through the gateway, rather than seeing but the harsh reality of a winter storm – with white covering the welcoming tan sands and blue waters – the removal of color from our lens provides a majestic beauty rather than a disappointing loss.  While striking as a colored photo, the lake seems frozen in time (figuratively as well as literally) when viewed through a black and white lens.  We often judge people, situations and opportunities by the “color they wear” or the expectations we have rather than the depth of their essence.  Perhaps we should all take the time to filter our initial impressions so we can identify and apply the value exposed through that sense of clarity.

Animals within the San Diego Zoo become a canvas upon which colors can logically be removed.  A panda within a tree provides a black and white perspective often lost within the green and brown foliage of its reality.  A resting tiger, majestic within its normal orange and black, becomes a powerful image of stark contrasts when stripped of its color.  (I avoided using the zebra that stood perfectly still – the reality of his world being black and white enough without being viewed through an altered filter.)  If only we could view others within our world through a muted filter – to see them for what they offer rather than losing ourselves within what we predetermine them to be – perhaps then the world would be less confrontational as the pride of plumage becomes but a muted blanket of comfort when we see each other as being the same rather than trying to “one up” each other. 

A neglected path in Kentucky becomes so much more focused when the colors of the autumn leaves highlighting the grass fading to brown as the sun sets upon the day are removed so as to reveal a winding trail which could lead to most anywhere IF one chose to take it.  While this path led to a mountain view, a similar path taken during a trip to Oregon led to a hidden waterfall near a wooden bridge.  We all must choose which road we will travel during this life.  Though many will follow highways that make their trip easier and their choices more defined, those seeking opportunities within shades of grey will often find beauty, peace and fulfillment when taking the road less travelled as they realize the subtle realities hidden within the paths that they take.

Giving a new definition to “peer pressure” were pictures taken in Maine and Virginia Beach.  While one may have to be a bit convoluted to link “pier” pressure with “peer” pressure, seeing a sturdy platform reach into the ocean always provides testament as to what can be done if we persevere – of what power and might we can harness when we seek to transform “what is” into “what could be.”  A pier stands as testament to the storms it has weathered – of the sunrises (or sunsets) it has experienced – of how it greets each new day (on the East coast) or welcomes the night into lives “out West.”  Too often we see only the surface of each situation we face – only the “practical purpose” of things rather than the possibilities not yet defined or determined.  When we take the time to look beyond what we see in life (a structure extending into the sea) to uncover the opportunities it hides (what travels beneath its surface or could be observed at different times of day or night) we can discover secrets revealed to us ONLY when we choose to close the book on what is and open it to see what could be possible beyond its covers.  A pier can be a dock or a window to a new world – its reality limited by our minds rather than its functionality.

Traditional pictures of a colorful world – waterfalls, rivers, seascapes, sand sculptures, bridges and birds (I seem to have some kind of addiction to birds – perhaps it is the freedom their world provides them or the limitless opportunities their flight reveals) – reveal beauty and reality in many ways.  Beyond pictures, however, are subtle differences that a grey-scale world provides – the shades that exist between “what is” and “what could be” made brighter or less defined by the lens we use to filter what we capture.  Vacation pictures can provide a different perspective when the “color of reality” is stripped from them – a perspective we do not often use when living our lives.  Perhaps we could all gain from looking at the obstacles we face, the people we live or work with and the challenges we wish to overcome through a different lens.  If we were to take a less conventional path to reach an unconsidered destination from which we could build a brighter future (rather than seeing a tunnel and wishing to determine where it began and where it ends...if we could intentionally alter our perspective to see where we might go after emerging from it rather than focusing on but what we see as we enter the light) – perhaps THEN life might truly become what we make it to be rather than forcing us to be content with what it offers us. 

We all share a common world but look at life through vastly different lenses.  The same object or person can reveal a variety of beauty, complexity, values and worth depending on how one filters what is observed.  Perhaps we could make more of a difference if each one of us could change our perspective by altering or modifying the filters we consciously and intentionally use so that rather than seeing only the surface of things – the reality within life – we might find the vast possibilities life offers beyond the obvious.  In a world of grey we can seek the possibilities of what could be rather than settling for the reality of what is as we identify the similarities and complimentary interactions we might share by being color blind to the differences that tend to keep us apart. 

INCLUDE OTHERS ON YOUR ISLAND TO GROW AND THRIVE

We need others in our lives to challenge, validate and support our direction, decisions and aspirations.  While most of us are able to move forward through much of life on our own, we can find encouragement to keep moving when we might prefer to rest if others are walking beside us along the way.  I recently spoke with an individual that had “issues” with everyone else in their world – they were either bull-headed, set in their ways, did not know anything about the “real world” or just would not listen – but the individual’s solution was “if only they would listen to me, all would be a lot better.”  THAT is island logic at its best (or worst) and the kind of thinking that might make an individual’s personal “island” more a volcanic wasteland devoid of companionship than a lush, tropical escape that could be shared.

Before we can expect others to accept us – to care enough about us to invest their time in making us better – we must first accept ourselves as we are THEN accept others as they are rather than as we think they could (or should) be.  The first step in this acceptance is to discover our own potential – fully accepting and assimilating the beauty of that reality into every aspect of our lives – before we could ever realistically hope to have another see value or worth in us.  We must identify our individual strengths and weaknesses, realizing the role that each plays both in our development AND to our detriment, then apply the positives while addressing and correcting the negatives – leverage the strengths that make a positive difference in our lives and the lives of others while addressing the weaknesses that can bring ourselves or others down. 

When one looks for weaknesses, assigns fault, or emphasizes failure they tend to focus more on what “was not done” than on celebrating success.  They often attempt to change behavior by identifying deficiencies that need altering (thereby becoming important as the identifier of another’s problems) rather than by encouraging the “cloning” of healthy behaviors they choose to exhibit themselves (leading by example). People acknowledging only their strengths often enter relationships to “fix” those around them – never fully exposing themselves to the scrutiny that true friendship brings.  Those that limit themselves by accepting shortcomings as ceilings rather than floors often seek friendships that mask their deficiencies by making themselves feel “much better” than their friends.  Individuals that plant themselves on “solid ground” and diminish others so that they can feel better end up being the best mediocre individual within a melting pot of mediocrity.  Those that lift others up and take them to the top upon their shoulders – raising all to the most that they could be rather than making them accept a lesser position in life – tend to thrive rather than to simply survive. 

Some people set low expectations to avoid ever being disappointed should they fail.  What kind of a meaningful relationship could develop from the premise that what “is” will never change – that wherever a relationship began is as far as it will ever go?  A relationship serves no valuable purpose if the melding of beliefs, values, ideals and accomplishments advances one individual more that it enhances the other – or the leader of a team more than the group to which he or she may lead.  If one can benefit from the input of another, how much could be accomplished when several come together to openly share thoughts and ideas without fear of reprisal as they seek to advance the interests of the whole – if the interests of the group were to be advanced by the efforts of the whole rather than by the selected options of a single individual.

Dreams are the destinations found at the end of the roads we choose to follow.  If we set no expectations – fearing the pain of failure more than we anticipate the rewards of success – we survive but will rarely thrive.  Those using failure as a springboard towards implementing a solution are more likely to succeed.  In order to assimilate dreams into daily relationships we must ALWAYS believe that the “light at the end of a tunnel” is a door opening to opportunity not yet realized rather than a train heading towards us on a collision course.

Relationships are the foundation upon which life’s accomplishments are constructed.  A relationship becomes successful when “we” becomes a given rather than “me” being the rule.  While one thinks he (or she) is an island, life will not be fully experienced or appreciated until the reality that to live we must share life has been realized – and that we are only as strong individually as is the group of close friends and confidantes we have around us.  We lose much that life has to offer when we focus only upon where we want to be rather than thinking about where we might want to go and considering how to get there and with whom we might wish to travel. Living on an island can be a peaceful place BUT living there alone can limit not only our contributions and ability to make a difference to others but also to our own ability to grow and thrive in our own lives.

RANDOM THOUGHTS AND REALITIES ON LEADERSHIP (AND RELATIONSHIPS)

Many troubles, failures, shortcomings and inconveniences we experience in life can be boiled down to intentional actions (or a deliberate withholding of actions) that individuals use as a way to accomplish their personal ends.  Far too many individuals would prefer to elevate themselves by standing still – content to remain within their self-imagined importance and fragile sense of worth – by removing “the competition” and diminishing the spirits of those around them RATHER THAN by lifting others up to a higher level we should all seek.  Avoiding accountability or responsibility within a relationship by bringing those around you down rather than lifting them up – by seemingly elevating oneself as others falter – does not result in gain but rather in standing firmly on ground that has been previously walked yet feeling yourself much better than those floundering in troubled waters (into which you – intentionally or unintentionally – banished them).  This destructive demotivation can happen at work, in life and even within relationships when one (or both) parties exaggerate their self-importance and perceived contributions to a controlling level above those of the engaged partner (team or group).  While many of our shortcomings are a result of our personal actions (or inactions), others are a result of personality issues (strengths and flaws) that interfere with our ability to interact with others.

It has been said that someone perpetually late for meetings is driven by one of three characteristics.  They are either controlling (wanting to make sure that others know their importance), overly focused on details (not wanting to leave a project until a stopping point is reached) or are insecure (needing the attention and validation from others that being late brings).  None of these are good reasons to keep others from working, contributing or problem-solving but all focus more on an individual (their wants, needs, desires or personality characteristics) than on the good of all involved.  Whenever an individual NEEDS to finish one project before moving on to the next (or, alternatively, has NO INTEREST OR DESIRE to look into all the facts before making a decision OR cannot make a decision until ALL the facts have been reviewed and all the remote possibilities explored), talk more than they listen (or speak as if with a sturdy stick rather than a gentle voice), personality factors may be in play.  While it is difficult to change “who we are” it is possible to alter “how we look and act” to and towards others as long as we have a good reason to alter our perspectives or a worthwhile reward (or punishment) is linked to actions our actions.  Whenever we change ourselves to accomplish something we would not normally set as a high priority, however, we should recognize that no matter how successful we are in changing ourselves into something that seems to be different we will ALWAYS revert back to who we are should we experience stress or be pushed beyond our limits.

Doing things the same way they have always been done rarely produces results different than what has already been accomplished.  While not always a bad thing, progress is jeopardized and results minimized when someone perceived to be “large and in charge” shifts all the blame to others while seeking to claim all the positive praise for themselves.  Leadership should be seen as credible, trusted and wise (wisdom being the appropriate application of knowledge and experience to accomplish a task through others or build others up to accomplish great things)...as fallible and sincere...as honest and approachable.  Far too often a new leader sits back and takes comfort in the misconception that he or she “has arrived” when receiving their promotion rather than realizing that the opportunity is only the first step on their journey towards continued growth.  Far too many relationships have been destroyed by a self-seeking and self-serving partner feeling that he or she is THE reason for success, THE financial driver, THE only one with any needs and THE only one to set the relationship’s agenda.  The same holds true within a work setting...those IN CHARGE often find that the only one listening is themselves (as they carry on about how good they might be) and that those around them have become strangely distant (why compete with another’s self-perception?).

Some would say that rules are made to be broken – that the ends justify the means...that it does not matter how something transpired as long as it ended in a result that was satisfactory to the individual(s) who benefit from the actions.  An issue with this perception is that far too often it results in winners and losers.  Leveraging “win/win” solutions (approaching something in a shared decision-making process) could meld the talents and abilities of many to move forward in a manner that would allow all to win. 

Leaders recognize and respect rules – and typically seek to understand WHY they might be in existence and WHAT they might be accomplishing before doing anything to alter or change the rule by focusing on its origination and intent rather than its results and repercussions.  Supervisors or Managers often use rules as a weapon – relying upon them regardless of the circumstance and blaming them for any problem, discipline or termination.  “I would love to work with you but the rules are pretty clear on what I must do” is such a transfer of power that the manager might as well forfeit his or her authority.  A great leader (in any setting) should be able to explain the “why” of rules and recognize not only the absolute value of word meanings but also their intent.  Compromise (consistent and fair) tends to be most practical within any relationship (be it at work or at home).  There are very few “bright lines” as to “what cannot be done” unless it impacts life, livelihood, safety, trust or an organization’s bottom line.

Leadership within organizations or within a relationship (service group or body of individuals) is not that much different.  One must establish credibility in order to lead (OR to be heard) – a leader who does not know what is being done by those he or she leads and fails to identify the reason they enjoy (hopefully) their work will not be able to command the respect needed to motivate performance or maintain engagement.  A leader within any setting must be able to communicate clearly and effectively – and communication is not telling, ordering or dictating that something be done in a certain way within a given timeframe allowing for no independent thoughts.  Sometimes, in fact, silence and intent concentration on what another might be thinking, saying or feeling shouts much more loudly than words ever could. 

While a leader is responsible for results, he or she must also ensure that all interested parties within the team, the group or the relationship are able to express an opinion that is discussed and considered prior to a decision being made.  A relationship that is controlled (not shared) by one individual doing what he or she thinks is right (without considering the thoughts, feelings or opinions of the theoretically equal partner) will not remain strong unless an unhealthy emotional dependency exists in which one party takes joy while the other provides subservience.  An individual might be able to supervise or manage others by telling them what is needed and how to do it but will never be able to LEAD through trust, credibility and respect unless he or she actively engages team members and discusses their thoughts and suggestions.  A government entity will not be able to provide fair and democratic leadership if all blame for dissension or disagreement is dumped upon “the other folks” that “obviously caused the problems” while excusing or ignoring the role those seeking unity might have played.

Leadership is a “many splendid thing” no matter what way one looks at it.  It can be the highest peak in an individual’s life or the lowest valley within their existence – which, unfortunately, carries over to the individuals being led.  Learn to lead by taking the time to listen, to think, to analyze and to act.  Pick yourself up should you fall – more can be gained from getting back up than would ever be learned from staying down.  Know that whatever decisions you make or actions you take influence more than just yourself...that you are being counted upon to provide guidance (resources, support or a host of other things) to those depending upon you.  Remember that much can be accomplished by those willing to listen, to share and to “not really care” who gets the credit for a job (or a relationship) well done.