AVOID “BUT” AND “IF ONLY” TO REALIZE “WHAT IF” OR “WHAT COULD BE”

Life holds limitless possibilities – often influenced by the choices we make or avoid making every day.  We have many opportunities to make a difference dependent upon how we react/respond to or perceive an issue, problem or situation, yet many choose to obfuscate their influence by neglectfully doing nothing rather than intentionally doing something.  Successful people decide to act when necessary (and INTENTIONALLY choose NOT to act should the best alternative be to KNOWINGLY allow a situation to run its course).  What many do not realize is that taking no action can often create as much significant and meaningful change as planning and implementing a drastic course correction AS LONG AS they are willing to accept the results of their inaction.  When we preface failure with validators such as “but,” “if only” or “it was not my fault,” we discount any learning that our efforts may have produced by excusing our shortcomings and minimizing the need to succeed by accepting less than our best and believing failure was unavoidable. 

Complacency is the strongest of emotions – possibly more powerful than love or hate - because it represents an acceptance of everything and a lack of conviction for anything.  Complacency cannot be argued or discussed – it is simply “existing” without living.  Complacency obscures any thoughts of change behind the mask of “But,” then buries it forever beneath the surface of “If only”.  People often justify their inaction by using these deferral words yet, if they are honest with themselves, will find that avoidance not only fosters failure, it also encourages unsuccessful endeavors by presenting a plausible excuse for why something DID NOT happen as planned.  When we impose the “I would have accomplished something if not for…” or “We would have succeeded but…” excuses, we are accepting failure as a reasonable expectation and removing any need to achieve – placing the “blame” on factors outside of our control rather than trying to control the factors that might positively influence an outcome.  

Awareness – and the taking of action based on that awareness – is the key to eliminating complacency as the path upon which one chooses to travel is charted.  Some examples would include: 

• “I would have loved to attended college but I could not afford it.  Now look at me…no work, no future…all because I did not have the money to go past high school.”  College is expensive – and perhaps “not for everyone,” but some form of trade or specialized training IS necessary (and affordable) in today’s world.  An individual can no longer enjoy a rich life by taking a life-long job within a huge manufacturing facility without having any special skills.  Today’s careers require both knowledge and demonstrated abilities – combined with the thought processes needed to apply them in such a way as to achieve practical solutions - along with a desire to grow and contribute.  College may help some to achieve their dreams, but others can do just as well by specializing and refining their abilities in other ways.  Blaming one’s self-imposed shortcomings as being the reason that success was not achieved is an unacceptable excuse.  We have control over our own lives to leverage the talents and abilities we were given – we must simply act to realize this power and the results that using our gifts might bring to fruition. 

• “I could have made a difference in that organization (or in life) but I was fired (or dumped) for no reason!”  While some people lose their job for “no apparent reason,” and others end relationships “through no fault of their own,” more often people DO (or do not do) the things that create (or lead to) their own situation.  If an individual COULD HAVE MADE A DIFFERENCE, why was “the difference” not made when the opportunity was presented?  If a relationship “went bad,” what were you doing to nourish and maintain it when it was “good?”  To avoid blaming others for “things gone wrong” we must often take intentional action aimed at preventing things from going bad rather than waiting for the book to be written (and published) before wanting to rewrite the final chapter.  Far too often people look to assign blame rather than to assume it…they attack the integrity of others prior to first questioning their own role in whatever may have happened...they point their finger towards others assigning ownership for failure without realizing that such an action points three fingers towards themselves.  

• “I should have done things differently but I knew nobody would have listened anyway.”   How could you know nobody would have listened if you chose not to speak?  Most people using this excuse assume they will not be heard.  If, indeed, their words do seem to all upon deaf ears, did they truly have something worth saying when they had the opportunity or do they typically talk so much that nobody would know if what they had to say was significant or simply “suddenly important” should they have made a suggestion?  It has been said that the only bad question is one not asked.  Likewise, the only poor action is one not taken. 

Nearly as frustrating (and equally as hopeless) is the individual who hides behind “If only…” 

• 
  “I would be living on easy street if only I had been recognized for the contributions I personally made to my job (or my relationship) rather than allowing my boss (or partner) to take all the credit.”  Far too often people expect an immediate “return” for their efforts and are disappointed if they are not given one.  Most people cannot find reward (or satisfaction) in progress made towards the completion of a goal – they seek nothing less than the satisfaction found in reaping the harvest of a task’s completion rather than the being content to experience the internal satisfaction that PROGRESS (rather than finality) might provide.  Most people, it would seem, require verbal recognition or visible rewards coming from “outside” (compliments, awards, rewards, etc.) rather than “inside” (self-satisfaction, big-picture thinking, long, slow road rather than quick and vocal boisterous one) to be meaningful.  If every situation (or relationship) were blanketed by an attitude of “how much can I give” rather than “how much will I receive,” we might find ourselves so engaged in the glow coming from the PROGRESS WE MAKE towards accomplishing our objectives that we need not make excuses for our failures. 

• “I would be happy if only someone cared about me as much as I care about them.”  It is not possible for
  a person to make another feel good about him or herself. Caring about others is an admirable quality.  Doing it with the expectation that another will return the feeling is folly.  I have never seen a “conditionally caring” person happy – nor have I often seen the recipients of conditional caring return nearly as much as they receive.  Giving freely – with no expectation of anything being given back – often produces an exceptional return on your investment. 

Self-defeating (and action deferring) statements might make sense to someone looking to take the easy way in life, but not for someone passionately believing in maximizing their human potential.  Success will come ONLY when we replace “if only…” with “what if?”  It will touch our lives ONLY when we eliminate the concept that “I would have done this but for…” and replace it with “I am glad I did this because…”