Where Have All The Leaders Gone?

During this time of economic, political, international, and cultural transition, when strong, unwavering leadership is needed more than ever, I fear that many leaders have taken leave – or are at least staying so far below the radar screen (and out of the line of fire) that their effectiveness may be compromised. Within families, parents want to be their children’s friends rather than their spiritual and emotional leaders. Within relationships people are so concerned with “avoiding conflict” that critical issues are often overlooked or ignored. Where have they gone…and how can we bring them back…are two crucial questions that must be asked during these times where competent and influential leadership could make all the difference in the world.

While managers can be (and often are) appointed, promoted or anointed, leadership is expressed through an individual’s actions and revealed through his or her character. A manager often identifies and assigns blame while a leader realizes who may be at fault then assumes responsibility for what he or she SHOULD HAVE DONE BETTER in order to prevent an issue. A director deflects criticism and generates excuses while a leader addresses it and takes steps to avoid its recurrence.  In a family, addressing a situation might result in as much “punishment” for the leader as it does for the one being led in terms of lost time or “restricted activities” (when the “crime” demands supervised time as a punishment) while a manager may mandate isolation or “lock down” punishment. In relationships, honesty is, by far, the best policy…but people would prefer to engage in small talk having little significant life-changing possibilities than to talk about potential issues before they become a problem or talk about difficult situations rather than burying themselves in front of a phone or a computer screen – some preferring to “data-communicate” than discuss openly and honestly…preferring to “fire their shots across another’s bow” without giving the opportunity to debate or clarify (I recently saw four people at a restaurant all using their phones rather than taking advantage of the time they could be spending developing or enjoying personal relationships). Far too many individuals seem to be looking for excuses as to why something happened (or did not happen) rather than accepting the present as reality that must be lived, handled, and moved on from while seeking a reasonable and acceptable resolution. It seems that, if you listen carefully enough, everyone ELSE did things wrong…nothing is anyone’s own fault and “what will be will be” seems to be perfectly acceptable (RATHER THAN seeking “what might be better”). Other more specific examples of “lost leadership” would include:

• The news reports on individuals without jobs being unwilling to accept available employment as their needs are being met through government assistance or the delay / forgiveness of loans, debts, or other financial obligations. Though all do not feel this way, many would prefer to “get something for nothing” than to work hard for not much more than unemployment and other federal assistance might provide. Far too many are seeking someone or something to rescue them from financial ruin (preferring to let someone else lead) rather than taking charge of their own situation and finding a long-term solution.
• The government tries to “bring up” those having less by “taking from” those that have more – but in so doing the motivation, desire and ability of those able to make a difference is reduced. Equity does not equal equality and until we recognize that all should provide what they can rather than receiving all that is needed we may never return to an independent and self-supporting world.
• Educated, compliance-oriented professionals who have not yet experienced “practical” reality nor demonstrated an ability to lead are stepping in for individuals having proven knowledge and practical experience as they exit the workforce. While life-long learning is a good and desirable thing, learning from books does not provide the experience that learning from one’s past failures can…in order to “lead by example” one must have experienced an example and planned results rather than living in the theoretical and striving for the best-case scenario.
• In an “I am OK, but I am not so sure about you” society, paranoid (or insecure) individuals view any comment or suggestion that is different from what they might wish or want to happen as being criticism rather than being supportive. They tend to “protect turf” by building walls and silos to keep others out rather than openly sharing and encouraging for the good of the cause or the growth of another…rather than seeking to build upon the strengths of a whole they seek to mandate or impose their individual will to advance a personal agenda.

Individuals must be given the tools (education/knowledge/mentoring) with which to work and the environment (honest, open, accepting and forgiving) in which to operate if they are expected become leaders.  A manager can lead but often gains a following through fear and intimidation, creating a sense of “having to” follow for fear of the consequences. A leader influences by example, gaining the support of others wanting to follow him or her into battle. Leaders prefer to pull others along – managers tend to push others along in front of them (buffering themselves from the realities of life by “hanging out” away from life’s realities. A great leader understands his or her “audience,” be it a corporate group, a family or a significant other, and tempers his or her words, actions, and responses against what the listening party seeks (will accept or understands).  A manager frequently “could care less” what others think or feel as long as his or her individual needs are met.

Look at yourself and your style. Are you a part of the solution or are you a major part of the problem? Do you inspire others to positive action or do your actions encourage them to conspire against you? Do you lead by example or by manage through edict? Do you anticipate “what might happen” and prepare for it or react to “what has happened” by blaming others and getting them to accept (or submit to) the consequences?  In a world being run more and more by feelings rather than facts – by thoughts rather than life experience – by consensus rather than individual courage – perhaps it is time that we all raised our leadership quotient a bit (and expected the same from our leaders!).

Our world needs confident, competent leaders willing to take risks and celebrate (or grow from) their consequences. In business, fair and ethical leaders are a pre-requisite to sustainable growth. In our personal relationships we need to seek honesty and integrity as we work together with those close to us. In our families we need to lead by example. A society that expects others to “do as I say rather than as I do” is one that may “get by” but will rarely thrive.

Where have the leaders gone?  Look in the mirror – we all lead someone or something, be it a business, a family or simply our own existence.  Do not let your mirror be clouded with the promise of something for nothing…with an unbelievable image of something or someone that is not you.  Step out of the shadows and let your intentional actions reflect positively upon someone else as you fulfill your own destiny as you become a leader to those around you rather than an anchor holding them back.

INCLUDE OTHERS ON YOUR ISLAND TO GROW AND THRIVE

We need others in our lives to challenge, validate and support our direction, decisions, and aspirations. While most of us are able to move forward through much of life on our own, we can find encouragement to keep moving when we might prefer to rest if others are walking beside us along the way. I recently spoke with an individual that had “issues” with everyone else in their world – they were either bull-headed, set in their ways, did not know anything about the “real world” or just would not listen – the individual’s solution being “if only they would listen to me instead of wanting ONLY what they wanted, things would be a lot better.”  THAT is island logic at its best (or worst) and the kind of thinking that might make an individual’s personal “island” more a volcanic wasteland devoid of companionship than a lush, tropical escape that could be shared.

Before we can expect others to accept us – to care enough about us to invest their time in making us better – we must first accept ourselves as we are AND accept others as they are (rather than as we think they could – or should - be). The first step in this acceptance is to discover our own potential – fully accepting and assimilating the beauty of that reality into every aspect of our lives. Before we could ever realistically hope to have another see value or worth in us, we must first see it in ourselves – see ourselves as being worthwhile (even if tarnished) and having value (even if, in our own minds, far less than we might like). We must identify our individual strengths and weaknesses, realizing the role that each plays in our development AND to our detriment, then apply the positives while addressing and correcting the negatives – leveraging the strengths that make a positive difference in our lives and the lives of others while addressing the weaknesses that can bring ourselves or others down.  

When one looks for weaknesses, assigns fault, or emphasizes failure they tend to focus more on what “was not done” than on celebrating success. They often attempt to change behavior by identifying deficiencies that need altering (thereby becoming important as the identifier of another’s problems) rather than by encouraging the “cloning” of healthy behaviors they choose to exhibit themselves (leading by example). People acknowledging only their strengths often enter relationships to “fix” those around them – never fully exposing themselves to the scrutiny that true friendship brings. Those that limit themselves by accepting shortcomings as ceilings preventing their growth rather than floors from which they might leap forward often seek friendships that mask their deficiencies by making themselves feel “much better” than their friends. Individuals that plant themselves on “solid ground” and diminish others so that they can feel better end up being the best mediocre individual within a melting pot of mediocrity. Those that lift others up while rising to the top – bringing them along rather than stomping them down – raising all to the most that they could be rather than making them accept a lesser position in life – tend to thrive rather than to simply survive. 

Some people set low expectations to avoid ever being disappointed should they fail. What kind of a meaningful relationship could develop from the premise that what “is” will never change – that wherever a relationship began is as far as it will ever go? A relationship serves no valuable purpose if the melding of beliefs, values, ideals and accomplishments advances one individual more that it enhances the other – or the leader of a team more than the group to which he or she may lead. If one can benefit from the input of another, how much could be accomplished when several come together to openly share thoughts and ideas without fear of reprisal as they seek to advance the interests of the whole…if the interests of the group were to be advanced by the efforts of the whole rather than by the selected options of a single individual? 

Dreams are the destinations found at the end of the roads we choose to follow. If we set no expectations – fearing the pain of failure more than we anticipate the rewards of success – we survive but will rarely thrive. Those using failure as a springboard towards implementing a solution are more likely to succeed.  In order to assimilate dreams into daily relationships we must ALWAYS believe that the “light at the end of a tunnel” is a door opening to opportunity not yet realized rather than a train heading towards us on a collision course. 

Relationships are the foundation upon which life’s accomplishments are constructed. A relationship becomes successful when “we” becomes a given rather than “me” being the rule. When one thinks he (or she) is an island, life will not be fully experienced or appreciated until the reality that to live we must share life has been realized – and that we are only as strong as is the group of close friends and confidantes we have around us. We lose much that life has to offer when we focus only upon where we want to be rather than thinking about where we might want to go, considering how to get there, and identifying with whom we might wish to travel. Living on an island can be a peaceful place BUT living there alone can limit not only our contributions and ability to make a difference but also to our own ability to grow and thrive in life.

FINISHING THE RACE

People far too often focus on how their day starts, how a task is being accomplished or what must be done first RATHER THAN on how their day might end, what progress was actually made towards a project’s completion or what must be done to consider an assignment complete (before moving on to the next). We focus on the path before us – or even the road upon which we are currently travelling – rather than upon the end that must be reached and what course of action might get us there – on how quickly we start and what kind of “pace” we should maintain to complete each “race” we run rather than conserving our energy to focus our efforts on a strong finish. Regardless of how well each individual assignment is performed, one cannot do the minimum and expect to receive maximum rewards, growth, or success.

Looking back (instead of ahead), remaining content with the present (rather than using it as a springboard to the future) and doing what has always worked (as opposed to seeking what might work better) are all signs of stagnation. An acorn cannot become an oak tree without the proper conditions and nourishment establishing a path for future growth. Could a caterpillar ever become a butterfly were it not to finish the race? An individual cannot become “one” with another without caring more for the other than for him or herself. If one wishes to achieve “the possible” rather than finding contentment and satisfaction in doing those things that are “probable,” the race they run must be built upon a path that transforms “what is” into “what could be” as they seek new avenues that will reveal opportunities not yet fully imagined. Our sights must be firmly focused upon that which has yet to be considered or accomplished if we are to run the race as it has never before run…to climb mountains that have not yet been conquered – rather than focusing upon those things that have been tried, tested and found to be safe (predictable and functional). In order to focus on the ends without being delayed at the beginning or caught in the middle – to accomplish and achieve (rather than simply performing and complying) – we must strive to:

•  Add to existing abilities and upgrade outdated skills, refusing to accept “what is” as “what will always be.”  What was once necessary to maintain a life-long job or to enjoy a long-lasting relationship is no longer sufficient in today’s ever-changing world. Employees who are unsuccessful in their journey to know (new things, processes and/or techniques) typically fail to grow…those who refuse to retrain typically will not remain (relevant, credible or trusted). Unless an individual brings more into a relationship than he or she could ever expect in return – is willing to give to another more than is taken (unconditionally and without expectations) and seeks to gain more by sharing than by receiving, he or she may never realize the treasures awaiting them just beyond their present reality.
• Quit believing that you know all the answers. People who know the right answers in life often find themselves thrust into management roles. Those that ask the right questions are much more valuable than those who can give all the right answers – often becoming well respected leaders rather than successful managers. In order to finish each race strongly we must ALWAYS be open to new ideas, techniques, and ways of doing things. We can truly contribute to success and profitability – or experience all that life could offer – ONLY after identifying the limitations of current systems, policies, practices or procedures (by asking questions as to how they might be improved) then intentionally acting to implement change. Nothing will change, however, until we decide to act – to move forward by implementing the answers received of the questions we ask (rather than doing things as we have always done them because we think we know all the answers ourselves).
• Avoid the misguided concept of being irreplaceable. If an individual feels that nobody could EVER do what he or she does, that person has probably limited what he or she can accomplish. When we discredit others for doing things differently (in a lesser way than we would have done them ourselves) – we can become so enamored with our own ability to accomplish defined objectives that we fail to identify possible alternative outcomes (and/or withhold the ability another might have to try something different). If nobody else can do (or even wishes to try) your job…fill your shoes…participate within your community service…you may never advance beyond the rung of the ladder upon which you have firmly positioned yourself.
• ALWAYS give credit to others. People recognizing and acknowledging the ideas and actions of others tend to share a never-ending ride to the top – enjoying a seemingly unlimited potential “upside” while minimizing (but not eliminating) their individual risk.  Those that take credit for the ideas of others (and assign blame for failure or shift focus to deflect accountability) may not have supportive friends, relationships or peers to prop them up in the future. 
• Clarify the difference between efficiency with effectiveness. Efficient individuals make sure that every investment of time and/or energy has a direct and measurable impact. They rarely waste time or energy doing unnecessary things that “could be done or might be nice” but are not related to the accomplishment of their objectives. Effective individuals are focused – accomplishing things that need doing in order to move forward. Effective individuals accomplish all things well as long as they advance their cause or move them towards the accomplishment of defined objectives. An effectively efficient individual may tell others what to do then get out of the way – coordinating actions and monitoring ideas so that all involved can work in a complimentary fashion towards the accomplishment of goals and objectives.

While we may be able to start a race on our own, we need the help, support, and the efforts of those around us to finish. Life is not a sprint that is run alone – it is a marathon that requires a team of runners relying upon the other for strength and encouragement. To accomplish much, we must give much. To receive support from those around us, we must encourage their individual growth. To rise to the top – to finish the race – we must not only build the foundation upon which we stand (so that we are firmly rooted and grounded in our convictions) and the path upon which we will travel (keeping our eyes wide open to avoid unwarranted or unwanted turbulence) – but we must also accept the support of those around us as we grow – as we keep our eyes on the goals we establish – upon the target we wish to reach when all is said and all is done. 

EFFECTIVE LEADERSHIP...

Most leaders are effective in their own way – typically accomplishing their defined objectives – yet their tactics are very different as they lead, manage or direct others. Some lead from behind, pushing others to where they wish them to be while seemingly hiding behind the throng as if seeking protection from the resistance that typically comes when new initiatives are advanced against a traditional, “set in its ways” establishment. Other leaders interact with their team but fail to provide direction or initiate meaningful change as they feel successes must be shared by a team that is totally in agreement and blame must be spread across the group equally to avoid hurting any individual’s feelings - often driving decisions down to the lowest common denominator so that no one person will be held responsible for failure (inadvertently ensuring that no one individual will receive recognition for success, either). A third kind of leader tends to cast a vision as to where the team should go, move ahead to clear the path of potential hazards, then wait for the group to catch up before proceeding forward – pulling the team forward by encouraging them to join him or her on a shared adventure – by living the example that those being led can follow. Visionary leaders share successes (be they within a work or a personal setting), assume responsibility for shortcomings (by questioning what he or she could have done differently), and allow others to learn from their failures (without fear of unwarranted repercussions). 

Leading from behind is like trying to push a string uphill. It is almost impossible to keep a string straight and moving in one direction when applying pressure from behind (unless one adds a wire or some other outside strength to keep the string from bending). Try dumping a glass of water on a marble counter and pushing the puddle towards a sink…the water spreads out uncontrollably in all directions, eventually making it to a final destination only after it has moved far outside of its initial path and spread far afield from its intended (and inevitable) end. Leading from behind is like trying to herd cats – you may move a group forward but it will be from a point of chaos rather than in a structured order – from uncontrolled havoc rather than anticipated and planned intentional actions – often resulting in unexpected consequences that provide results that could be bad (because of what was done) or good (in spite of what was done).

 

Geese lead through a group mentality or process…the lead of a migrating flock changes like the wind – but such interchangeable leadership is rarely synonymous with greatness within our “human” society. In order advance as a unit, someone must step away from the pack – must be willing to step forward so that others might follow – or the things that have always been done will continue to be accomplished (though, perhaps, more efficiently due to repetition) and the roads that have always been travelled will continue to be taken (though, perhaps, with less risk as all the twists and turns are anticipated). Packs (or teams left to their own devices) tend to recognize individual positional authority but rarely realize innovation – and often experience challenges to leadership when one member feels that “their way is better” than others. Teams without direction or “reality checks” tend to find comfort within their temporary “known” but are often reluctant to step towards a yet to be defined “unknown.” Without a leader to monitor progress and define/redefine goals, teams may share a common objective but often find their successes are acceptable but not outstanding – are as expected but not innovative – because they seek to avoid failure (rather than reaching for unrealized potential).

Groups that move forward as a singular unit due to the intentional actions of a leader who identifies goals, sounds the charge, then pulls the troops forward as they follow his or her lead find greatness. When objectives are clearly defined and communicated - with responsibility and accountability assigned to individuals willing to embrace failure (and learn from it) while unselfishly sharing the praise (and rewards) that come from success, no objective is impossible – no mountain too high to climb nor valley too deep from which to rise. A group can model and assimilate the successful behavior of a leader (following his or her example) much more easily than it can take ownership of success resulting from the imposition of directives from the rear of OR from “within” the team. Rather than leading by edict, proclamation, or fear, such an individual leads by example – and those being led are ready and willing to follow (sharing either recognition for success OR corrective discussions for failure).

We must “lead, follow or get out of the way” as we move through life. Following rarely makes waves and does not produce new or innovative results but can fulfill the basic needs in society by providing security, consistency and (sometimes) rewards for those setting the goals and initiating action. Getting out of the way simply removes a barrier to success – it rarely allows one to enjoy individual rewards or accomplishments as stepping aside simply allows another to face delays or handle the disruption that obstacles placed in front of us that keep us from those things we wish to achieve (unless, of course, we were to live like geese by choreographing our decisions to  accomplish great things without giving individual credit or assigning singular blame). Leading by example allows us to determine our own path – to find our own way (be it good or bad, positive or negative) as we seek to accomplish great things (either by ourselves OR with other people). One can manage from a distance, direct from within a team, OR Lead by example but can rarely do or be all three at the same time.

 

While it may “take a village to raise a child,” perhaps we would all be better leaders (and ultimately lead stronger teams and live better lives) if we realized it takes more than a village – it takes the cumulative efforts of many focused upon a common objective if great things are to be accomplished. A team can taste success ONLY if someone steps forward and is willing to lead (AND members of the team are willing to learn as they follow an individual they can respect). Relationships follow a similar pattern – those that are partnerships of equals that work together to accomplish shared needs (following a recognized path that takes them to a discussed and mutually beneficial destination) strengthen and grow while those that are led without sharing tend to satisfy one while frustrating the other. Effective leaders lead so that things once thought to be impossible can become everyday reality – and everyday reality will NEVER stand in the way of bringing to fruition the dreams shared by a team or within a relationship.

ONE MUST DREAM BEFORE ONE CAN DO…

Why do so many people try to be someone they are not? Many individuals start a new year with fresh “resolutions” to do something (or be something) different. Unless there is more gain from the change, however, than pain from NOT changing, such mid-stream corrections rarely prove effective. People change very little once they have established their basic values, patterns and thought processes. It is often easier (and more effective) to leverage an individual’s strengths than it is to try to change their shortcomings. As a “well known philosopher” (Dr. Suess) once so aptly proclaimed, "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

People tend to think MUCH about what they have (or do not have), who they are (or who they might wish to be), and what they would like to happen in their lives (rather than what is inevitable should nothing change) so they can achieve, experience, or live an altered result. Stephen Leacock stated, "It may be that those who do most, dream most." One must first imagine something as being a possibility before it can become a probability – yet "Dreams take time, patience, sustained effort, and a willingness to fail if they are ever to be anything more than dreams." (Bryan Linkoski). We can identify, hope, and imagine all that we want but unless we take intentional action that is different from what we might typically do we will experience what we always have and find ourselves disappointed with our lack of progress.

While “failure” is not necessarily a desired outcome of change, dreamers often focus their DESIRE to change around the real possibility that they may not (at first) taste success.  Robert F. Kennedy said, "Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly."  Individuals who have truly made a difference in this world understand that "Failure is not the worst thing in the world. The very worst thing is not to try."  While much intentional thought and deliberate action is required to succeed, those that ultimately do recognize that "Failure is the path of least persistence."  If one is to transition their thoughts, hopes and dreams to reality, the word “impossible” must not be a part of his or her vocabulary. While facts, information and well-considered alternatives are often the building blocks of change, "If the dream is big enough, the facts don't count." (Dexter Yeger)

Life is a series of starts and stops – of closed chapters and of new beginnings.  Insanity has been defined as doing things the way they have always been done while expecting the results to change. If we are to see change as we move forward in life – whether it be at work, in our personal relationships, or in our own thoughts and attitudes – it is important that we not only recognize the need for altered behavior but that we also intentionally ACT to make change happen. Knowing the facts and understanding how to make change happen does not necessarily ensure transformation, however. Will Rogers appropriately stated, "Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there." As our lives change – initiated by our actions and our attitudes – we should embrace the thoughts expressed by William Osler when he stated, "We are here to add what we can to life, not to get what we can from life."

Sadly, many seem to seek equality rather than equity in the world. They (unintentionally?) pull down those who are successful, taking from them the fruits of their labor in an effort to narrow the gap between “those who have and those who have not.” Perhaps it might be better to provide “those without” the tools necessary to narrow the gap through their own productivity. While good, hard-working individuals seeking work often find they do not have the requisite skills to perform available jobs, many jobs remain unfilled because the “sting” of not working is more than sufficiently salved by an ever-expanding unemployment compensation system and an increasingly acceptable trend to “Take from each according to his ability while giving to each according to his needs.” (Karl Marx) College loan forgiveness…COVID compensation to employers…Increased Unemployment Compensation…mandatory paid sick leave…forced employer match to retirement programs…what else needs to happen before we understand the reality of our current world and how it fosters our dependency upon others to hand us comfort and success?

Perhaps we could gain from both the “wisdom” of Dr. Suess AND the reality of Mark Twain who said "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." We are not “owed” success – we must first seek it then ACT INTENTIONALLY to make it become a reality.  Think big and act audaciously without fear of failure…without concern about temporary loss or momentary setbacks…looking forward to making dreams come true rather than holding on to the past so tightly that it could never change…if you seek to live differently than you do as you realize opportunities that you never thought possible.

THE CRITICAL DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CONVERSATION AND COMMUNICATION

Far too many people believe having the ability to CONVERSE is the same as being able to COMMUNICATE. They believe that telling is equivalent to talking – that sending an e-mail or leaving a voicemail message is better than spending time in two-way discussion. They believe that if one can speak effectively, they will be able to influence the behavior of others – that “give and take” conversation only delay their decision-making process.  They are firm believers in the principle that “he/she who speaks last is right” so will talk an issue to death (or send a declaratory note or leave a one-sided voicemail) rather than allowing someone else to have the “final say” (or sometimes any “say: at all).  Rather than recognizing that individuals have two ears and one mouth (which should be an indicator of importance – redundancy is necessary and critical part of our lives) they think since the SIZE of a mouth is larger than the size of two ear canals it MUST add more value to exercise the vocal cords than the ear drums. A recent television show demonstrated this particularly well…a husband and wife both had events happen in their day that were critical and important to each other. The wife tried to talk about her day and was ignored as the husband talked about his. When challenged on his lack of attention he stated that her issues were not as important as his and that he was sure she would get over whatever happened to her – causing her to leave the room saying that “you do not even see me, do you?” While an extreme example, far too often our conversations can become proclamations rather than discussions…position statements rather than a sharing of experiences…eliminating any possibility of critical communications through interactive conversation. 

EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION is a sum of several important parts – not simply words spoken or sounds heard. Talking is saying words in a logical sequence – often (but not always) prefaced by thought and an understanding of what should be said. Communication is the art of organizing our thoughts to reflect the message we wish others to hear so that a two-way dialog can result in an appropriate action. Conversation is an exchange of words – hopefully (but not always) between two individuals that exchange thoughts and ideas while communication is the transformation of thoughts and words into meaningful action. Conversation typically involves what you wish to share with another – communication focuses more on what you wish to accomplish together.  In order to communicate effectively we must: 

·         Listen actively

·         Speak ONLY after considering the ramifications of our words

·         Establish and assign ownership to a shared vision or idea while transferring responsibility with accountability to the individual(s) assuming ownership of each task

·         Intentionally follow-through to make sure expectations are met and objectives are accomplished on a timely basis (while avoiding our natural tendency to “rescue” or “save” another from mistakes or failures)

·         Allow mistakes (our own and those of others) to become learning experiences rather than death sentences

·         Praise openly and honestly – criticize privately and quietly 

To communicate well we must identify what we wish to accomplish – figure out what we want our words to change, alter or enhance – before we begin to talk, write or “tweet.” Politicians often seem to say whatever they think you want to hear – in a manner convincing enough to make us forget what they may have said yesterday or what they will be saying tomorrow. They are typically highly effective conversationalists but may be lacking as communicators (where listening and speaking must closely align). Politicians (and other effective public speakers) deliver what their audience wants to “take away” from a speech – often abandoning their principles or core values in order to appease the masses. A conversationalist enters a debate with his or her ears (and mouth) wide open, clearly identifying and discussing multiple “means” but often failing to bring to fruition an “end.”  An effective communicator plans his or her outcome before speaking, listens (and considers) reactions, responds meaningfully, then works towards a mutually satisfactory actionable result. Ineffective communication is often “telling” while effective communication becomes active, participative “selling.”

One of the more critical aspects of communication is silence – that space where listening becomes active and saying nothing helps to formulate direction. When one is speaking, he or she is not actively listening. When planting your thoughts and concepts it is hard to harvest the bounty that another’s ideas might contribute. When we try to be heard above the noise around us, we often lose sight of the fact that a whisper can be much more effective in a quiet, listening room than can be a shout in a crowded building. Silence often creates discomfort – but it is not YOUR responsibility to fill every void with the sound of your own voice. In order to communicate effectively we must allow silence to be deafening at times – echoing within the conversational void as if it were an angry sea pounding upon a rocky and unforgiving shore. Allow your thoughts and ideas to fill the moments of silence that listening (rather than talking) can create, then EXPRESS those thoughts into encouraging words that identify issues, welcome contribution, communicate direction and motivate change. 

Effective Communication is more than talking – it is transforming words into actions through carefully directed compromise that produces “win-win” situations rather than creating and fostering “win-lose” relationships. When wishing to share experiences, thoughts, feelings or dreams – converse. While one needs to converse in order to communicate, not all conversation becomes effective communication. Communication is an active two-way exchange of thoughts and ideas that results in the investment of time and resources focused on the accomplishment of an intended consequence. Talk is cheap as it tends to fill time and space with words that do not necessarily require an investment of resources to create an intended (or intentional) consequence. While conversation is a necessary part of living within a community, communication is the key to change. When you need to accomplish something – when an action must result in an equal and opposite reaction that alters or modifies a condition or behavior – communicate your thoughts, your intents, and your expectations clearly by stating the facts then listening for (and encouraging) buy-in from all involved. We should all strive to be better conversationalists BUT making a conscious effort to communicate more effectively can help to change the world (or at least our role within it both at work AND within our personal relationships).

INEFFECTIVE PRIVATE RESOLUTION OR LIFE-CHANGING PUBLIC REVOLUTION…YOU BE THE JUDGE

It seems that people can make the worst out of even the best situation. Many see the new beginnings ushered in by January 1^st each year as a justification to leave what they have in search of something different (without identifying why they want to leave nor what must be done to change). Whether they find a new job within their organization or seek a new job elsewhere…whether they find new friends or simply isolate themselves from the friends that no longer fill their needs…whether they truly commit to “hit the gym” or they decide to just “give it a try,” or whether they seek to renew a relationship that has been failing or find a new one (that will probably fail without systemic change)…far too often people “run from” a situation rather than “running towards” a better opportunity. We cannot expect anything other than what we have always had unless we decide to do something different than we have always done. Unless (and until) we intentionally choose to do things in a way that has never been tried will we be able to “foster revolution” that can change the world (rather than maintaining the status quo which will keep it from ever changing).  Whenever you seek change, consider the following:

1)      INDIVIDUALS SEEKING CHANGE ARE OFTEN MORE DRIVEN BY WHAT THEY WISH TO LEAVE BEHIND THAN BY WHAT THEY WISH TO BUILD UPON ONCE.  Many seek new jobs because they think the boss is intolerable, the environment oppressive or the work is not what they thought. Their once “ideal opportunity” has become meaningless – offering no growth or potential. Their relationship has become cold (and they typically refuse to accept any responsibility in its cooling). Unless one seeks to identify (and accept) his or her role in the negative, however, leaving “the wrong job or running from a struggling relationship for anything other than the “right reasons” will only delay the inevitable decline or loss of “what is.”  Before looking outside for the solution or running to someone else (inevitably destined to repeat the catastrophic failure that initiated the transition), examine what changed, why it changed AND what you might be able to do to restore the luster (rather than blaming others and excusing yourself).2)     

IDENTIFY YOUR PERSONAL STRENGTHS WHEN CONSIDERING CHANGE.  It is surprising how few people can answer the question, “What do you like most about what you do, who you are, or with whom you choose to spend your time?” If seeking a change, people typically seek as little PERSONAL disruption as possible (while wanting as large a difference as imaginable)…as similar a situation as they were used to (but wanting no difference in effort or actions elsewhere to result in significantly increased results)…as much acceptance and influence within their relationships (giving more than expecting to receive). Those that successfully change often leverage their gifts, talents, and abilities to help them transition from one place to the next – from one relationship to another – but will RARELY find satisfaction without building upon what they “like” as they leave the “identified dislikes” behind.

3)      ISOLATE AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE NEGATIVES WITHIN YOUR CURRENT SITUATION WHEN CONSIDERING CHANGE.  Individuals often dwell so much on the negatives of where they have been that they inadvertently become the sum and substance of who they are. Many find that the thing they dislike most about their current situation actually has nothing to do with their duties, responsibilities, or actual day-to-day interactions. Rather, the “things” we dislike the most are often part of the environment in which we work, the people we work with, the level of responsibility we are given (or we assume), the LACK of responsibility we perceive we have (or have accepted), the boss – or even our dissatisfaction we have with the face we see in the mirror were we to compile a list of “dislikes.” Before taking action to disrupt your existence, make sure that it needs disrupting. A relatively minor issue should not force you into giving up something you might otherwise enjoy…an irritating idiosyncrasy should not force one away from an otherwise happy relationship…a bump in the road should initiate conversation rather than trigger the immediate abandonment of what were once hopes and dreams. Unless we acknowledge our own negatives (and how they might contribute to our personal dissatisfaction), we will probably NEVER escape from what we perceive to be imperfection as we will more often than not carry that “baggage” with us to the next event, environment or relationship.

Change often requires us to take a “road less travelled” if we wish to arrive at a location where we can complete something not yet accomplished by doing things never before done. People are often more comfortable doing what they have always done – and blaming others for what is not to their liking. If you seek “differences” in your life…want to make resolutions that can be maintained OR revolutions that will shake the world…intentionally act and “do” things differently while expecting alternative result. Why focus on the things you DO NOT LIKE when seeking a new opportunity that might provide the things you WOULD PREFER to accomplish?  Seek change ONLY if you are willing to walk away from the world you know to enter one you can only imagine. Leverage the strengths you possess – building upon them to accomplish great things – rather than wishing and hoping for the ones you wish you had. The difference between a resolution and a revolution is simple…a private resolution lacks public accountability while a public revolution refuses to allow us to hide behind good intentions or mis-appropriated efforts while seeking meaningful change.